Tainted
by Shinji the 600 Assassin
Summary: AN UPDATE! Impossible, you say? HA! Kaoru discovers the finer things in life.Read and Review
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not (in any way) own Gainax or Hideaki Anno or any of their respective properties. Therefore I am not responsible for any legal action taken against you if you (for some stupid reason) decide to sell/profit from this.  
  
Spoiler Warning: If you haven't seen up to or past episode 19 of Evangelion, I would advise against you reading this. This is meant to be an alternate time line but there will still be some spoilers. Not only that but I've taken creative liberties with the characters, if you notice that they're OOC it's for a reason.  
  
- Shinji (the 6:00 Assassin)  
  
And now without further ado.  
  
Tainted (An Evangelion Fan Fic)  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
*"Sometimes, I feel I've got to. run away I've got to.get away from the pain you drive in the heart of me The love we share, seems to go nowhere. and I've lost my light, for I toss and turn. I can't sleep at night.  
  
Once I ran to you, I ran, Now I run from you. This tainted love you've given, I give you all a boy could give you, take my tears and that's not nearly all. tainted love. tainted love.  
  
Now I know I've got to. run away, I've got to. get away Don't really want any more from me, to make things right, you need someone to hold you tight. And you think to love is to pray, But I'm sorry I don't pray that way.  
  
Once I ran to you, I ran, Now I run from you. This tainted love you've given, I give you all a boy could give you, take my tears and that's not nearly all. tainted love. tainted love.  
  
Don't touch me please! I cannot stand the way you tease. I love you, but you hurt me so. now I'll pack my things and go.  
  
Once I ran to you, I ran! Now I run from you! This tainted love you've given! I give you all a boy could give you! Take my tears and that's not nearly all! Tainted love. tainted love."  
  
Click. Whrrrrrr.  
  
As his S-DAT re-winded, a teenage boy got up out of bed. He ran his fingers through his short brown hair as he looked around at his room. It was (to put it mildly) very Spartan, almost lifeless. Much like the teenage boy's dark blue eyes. Eyes that had, only a year ago, contained much more life than they did now. He sighed quietly before heading for the balcony. it had become a ritual for him. Wake up in the middle of the night, go to the balcony and stare at the ruins of the city for a few hours whilst trying to figure out where it all went wrong. How and where his life, not to mention his will to live, had reached its breaking point. This boy was Shinji Ikari, Third Child, and designated pilot of Evangelion Unit-01, humanities' only hope for survival against the invading angels.  
  
Shinji remembered his many battles with the Angels as he stared at the ruins of Tokyo-03. A city built by man to be an impregnable fortress to withstand the might of the Angels. Ironically it was man that had destroyed it. Well not quite man. Rather it had been woman; a girl that had been dear to his heart.  
  
As he leaned against the railing he could still remember that horrible day. and many other horrible days when he had lost others. Amongst the others had been his best friend Touji Suzuhara. Shinji fought to keep back the tears, but failed. He laughed bitterly as he did so. He had failed so many people. especially the ones who mattered most to him. Chief amongst those was the girl he loved; the girl who lived with him, and the girl who seemed to hate him.  
  
"Asuka" Shinji sighed slightly as his tears hit the ground. He thought back to when everything had started to go rather wrong. He didn't want to think about it. What he did want to do, however, was to go back inside and listen to his music. Yet something compelled him to stay on the balcony and remember.  
  
Back inside the apartment was the girl that had been the major cause of his pains, his concern and his love. Back inside the apartment was Asuka Sohryu Langley; Second Child and designated pilot of Evangelion Unit-02. She stared at herself in the bathroom mirror.  
  
She was about the same size as Shinji, maybe a few centimeters shorter. She was thin and pale. Unbeknownst to her, the light in her once-brilliant blue eyes (not too unlike Shinji's in both regards) had gone out. Her once vibrant red hair had become coarse and dull. She looked as if all of her previous life and energy had been sucked out of her. In short, she looked like hell. Not that she cared anymore. As far as she was concerned she was damaged goods. tainted. She hated everyone, but most of all she hated Shinji and herself.  
  
She hated Shinji because he hadn't saved her; he hadn't been there when she needed him. She hated herself because of that. Because she needed Shinji, because she was weak and pathetic. It was for all of these reasons that she now held a rather large and sharp kitchen knife to her throat.  
  
"One quick move, and then it's over." she told herself as she pressed the knife against her slender neck. Drops of blood dropped into the kitchen sink. She closed her eyes as she moved the knife slowly across her neck.  
  
She stopped as she reached her throat and dropped the knife. Tears flooding her eyes, she headed back for her bedroom, paying no attention to the blood slowly trickling from her neck. She stopped momentarily as she saw Shinji on the balcony. He stood with his back to her. A mixture of hatred and something she couldn't identify filled her heart. She considered going up to Shinji and telling him what he had done to her, how he had helped, no, how he had single-handedly destroyed her. Instead she continued walking. She collapsed onto her bed and began to sob quietly. "Pathetic" she managed to whisper as she remembered where it had all started to go wrong. 


	2. The Beast

Chapter 1 - The Beast (Part 1 - Decisions)  
  
"Dead I am the one, exterminating son. Slipping through the trees, strangling the breeze  
  
Dead I am the sky, watching angels cry. As they slowly burn conquering the worm."  
  
-Rob Zombie 'Dragula'  
  
Asuka grinned as she pressed the small button on her wrist that tightened her plug suit. A level one alert had just been sounded and that could mean only one thing. An Angel was attacking.  
  
No one knew where the Angels had come from, or why they were attacking. Well, almost no one. Those that did know weren't talking. To combat the threat, the UN had created a secret organization called NERV. NERV created and commandeered the Evangelions; massive biomechanical humanoid weapons piloted by a chosen few. They were the only things that were equal to the Angels and thus the only things that had any chance of taking them down. Conventional weapons were useless, the Angel's AT fields made sure of that.  
  
Thus far, eleven 'Angels' had fallen to the Evangelions, several to Asuka herself. She made a brief count of the number of angels they had faced. This one would be the 14th. Asuka ran towards the EVA cages, where destiny and her Unit-02 waited. She took a moment to pause when she got there to take in the magnificent sight. No matter how many times she saw it, the large red humanoid was an awe-inspiring sight. And it was hers.  
  
Within seconds she was in the entry plug, waiting to be inserted into her EVA. As the plug was moved, it was filled with LCL, an orange liquid that helped the pilot synch with the EVA, and oxygenated the bloodstream directly once one's lungs were filled with it. It was also a very unpleasant experience, seeing as Asuka still had a very strong urge not to drown and that it smelt a lot like blood. A split-second later her lungs were filled, the plug was inserted, and the EVA started up.  
  
Asuka waited as the nerve connections were made. Aside from the nasty business of the LCL, there was only one other thing about piloting EVA that she didn't enjoy. Once you were synched with the EVA, you felt whatever it felt. Asuka tended not to worry about it too much; her EVA had never gotten damaged when engaging an Angel before, so why should she worry?  
  
Asuka grinned again as her EVA was finally moved to the launch pad. Shinji, the coward that he was, had run away from his problems yet again, resigning his commission as an EVA pilot. "Pathetic weakling" Asuka scoffed in disgust as she thought of him.  
  
She had heard what Shinji had done when he had found out who had been the pilot of EVA-03. The one that had been infected by an Angel and brought to bear against them. The one that Shinji's EVA, which had been operating via autopilot (Shinji had refused to fight, not wanting to injure the teenage pilot trapped inside the tainted EVA), had ripped to pieces. The pilot, Touji Suzahara, had barely survived. Even now he lay in the hospital, fighting to hold on to life.  
  
Touji had been Shinji's best friend. Shinji had been angry. He had even threatened to destroy Headquarters. Asuka had been impressed when she heard that. Her respect was replaced with disgust when he had resigned. "Oh, well, looks like it's up to Asuka to save the day now!" Asuka laughed.  
  
Now that the 'Invincible Shinji' was gone, no one would be there to show her up. She and Rei Ayanami, or 'wonder-girl', (as Asuka called her), were the only two pilots left. Rei was a quiet blue-haired girl. Her skin was pale and her eyes red. She never seemed to show any emotions, and she radiated an aura of coldness. Asuka hated her with a passion because of it. Asuka knew that she was a better pilot than Rei.  
  
There was a slight pause as the EVA reached its lift. Suddenly the large humanoid shot upwards and out of sight into the Geo front. The Geo front was a gigantic rounded cavern located right underneath Tokyo-03. In it was a large pyramid structure, NERV HQ, humanity's last hope. Asuka took up her defensive position as she waited for the Angel to break through the roof of the front. Asuka looked at the roof. Hundreds of meters above her a large number of skyscrapers seemingly hung from it, the central block of Tokyo-03. During an Angel attack the buildings in Tokyo-03 would descend into the Geo front for protection. Like EVA it was always an impressive sight.  
  
Asuka quickly took a look around her EVA. Surrounding it were several different weapons made especially for the EVAs: giant assault rifles, missile launchers, progressive spears, etc. EVA-02 picked up a rifle and waited. Then it happened, a large explosion ripped through the roof, taking several buildings with it. A large, strange shape, the Angel, moved down through the hole. It was large and bulky, the same size as EVA. It didn't seem to have any arms and its small gray skull-like head was located high up on its chest. Right in the middle was a bright red orb, the only thing that all the Angels had in common.  
  
"Here it comes, even without Shinji, I can beat it easily" Asuka spoke smugly as she opened fire on the descending Angel. The EVA's assault rifle spat its ammunition at the still-descending creature, to (what seemed like) no effect. The grass and trees at the Geo front swayed violently as the one- sided exchange went on  
  
"Damn you!" Asuka screamed at the thing as it touched down. The rifle clicked a few times as EVA pulled the trigger. "Next!" Asuka yelled as EVA threw away the rifle and picked up two fresh ones. Asuka opened fire with both of them. Again, it didn't seem to be doing anything. "I'm neutralizing its AT field aren't I?" she muttered, anxiety creeping into her voice.  
  
The Angel touched down, bullets flying past it and off of it. EVA-02 was still firing at it with the two rifles. "Damn you!" Asuka screamed inside the cockpit as the Angel just stood there, not even flinching. "Why won't it collapse?" Asuka panicked as the two rifles clicked. The Angel simply stood there defiantly, not making a move.  
  
Asuka threw away the two rifles and picked up a pair of Missile Launchers. "I can't lose! Not again!" she screamed as she pumped cruise missile after cruise missile at the beast. Hundreds of tiny explosions covered the Angel, blocking it from view. The force of them flattened a small nearby forest. The explosions subsided quickly. Asuka blinked, the Angel was still standing. "No way..." she gasped. Out of the upper regions of Angels, two thin paper-like arms unfolded. Asuka blinked again as the two arms shot towards her EVA faster than what should have been possible.  
  
A split second later, Asuka felt a sharp, blinding pain in both of her shoulders as she felt the Angel's arms cut straight through the EVA's. She grit her teeth as she felt the sheets punch straight through the EVA's shoulders. A moment later the EVA's arms flew away in different directions, one of them landing in the small lake in front of NERV H.Q. Part of the Angels arms was stained purple. They swayed slightly in the wind before shooting back to its body. Dark purple ichors shot out of where EVA-02's arms were supposed to connect to its body. Asuka grabbed her shoulders as her body was racked with pain. Her body spasmed for a moment before she regained control of it, she took the controls and charged towards the Angel. "You damn son of a bitch!" She screamed furiously at it. She was not going to lose again! She heard Misato (her commanding officer and current Guardian) Katsuragi's voice over the comm.  
  
A split second later several things happened. First, one of the Angel's arms shot out again, effectively severing EVA-02's head from its neck. It also happened to send it flying into the roof of the Geofront, where it crashed into the side of one of the numerous skyscrapers located there. The consequences of that particular action will become known a bit later. The second thing that happened was an incredible sense of numbness as the third thing happened. Misato had ordered the nerve connections to be cut, the very second that Asuka had begun her (rather) stupid headlong charge. The connections had been cut just as EVA-02 lost its head, saving Asuka's life. The cockpit turned a dark red as EVA-02 de-activated, blanketing Asuka in darkness. The Angel, no longer sensing an active AT field, simply walked past the inert EVA towards NERV HQ.  
  
"Damn it." Asuka swore as she sat in the still-dark cockpit. She had lost. again. The only pilot left was Rei; Asuka loathed the idea of Rei saving her. Even as those thoughts floated through her mind, Asuka thought of Shinji. "Idiot", she whispered to herself as she cursed Shinji for running away.  
  
Presently Shinji was doing something of the sort. A few minutes ago he had been in a shelter in one of the skyscrapers, cursing himself, cursing his father, and cursing the Angel for not allowing him to leave. Mostly he cursed his father, the commander of NERV. "That bastard. That f**king bastard! He tried to kill Touji using my hands!" Shinji thought to himself as he sat, slumped against the wall. A second later there was a bright flash of light, a deafening crash, and smoke filled the room. He looked up and saw a rather horrifying sight. EVA-02's head was imbedded in the side of the building with blood still pouring out of it. Shinji suddenly felt sick to his stomach. If Asuka had been synched when EVA-02 had gotten decapitated. Shinji pushed that thought out of his head as he ran out of the shelter, ignoring the instructions coming from the P.A system. A minute later he was on the ground at Geofront, trying to catch his breath. Looming in the distance, beyond the forest was the still and silent form of EVA-02. Purple and red liquids dripped down its sides and a small jet of blood was still emitting from the neck. Shinji stared at it, not even noticing the numerous projectiles flying past it at the Angel. "Asuka" he sighed.  
  
"Is that you Shinji?" a familiar voice called from behind him. Shinji turned to face the speaker. "Kaji?" he exclaimed as he saw him. Kaji Ryouji was a tall, unshaven man in his thirties. His long brown hair was tied back in a ponytail as usual and his brown eyes sparkled with life. Shinji had met Kaji a few months ago on the "Over The Rainbow" when he had first met Asuka. Since then he had gotten to know Kaji a bit better, and saw that he was a good man. He respected him.  
  
Currently Kaji was standing around in his normal dress (black slacks, a blue oxford shirt and red tie) sprinkling something with a watering can.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Shinji asked, Kaji worked for NERV; therefore Shinji was surprised to see him outside of HQ at a time like this. Kaji simply chuckled as he continued sprinkling.  
  
"That's my line", he replied good-naturedly. "What are you doing here, Shinji?" he asked the boy calmly, as the barrage continued.  
  
"I. I decided that I'll never pilot an EVA again", Shinji told him hesitantly. "And since I decided that." Shinji began, but Kaji cut him off.  
  
"Is that so?" Kaji asked rhetorically. "Well since my other job became public knowledge, I'm off the combat roster" Kaji spoke again as the two watched the light show increase in its intensity. "So here I am sprinkling," Kaji continued, motioning to the small patch of watermelons that he was watering.  
  
"What? At a time like this?" Shinji exclaimed, surprised at this.  
  
"What better time?" Kaji asked Shinji, confusing him greatly. "Although I'd rather be between Misato's melons," he continued, smiling slightly, "I wouldn't mind being here when I die". This shocked Shinji a great deal. Why was Kaji talking about death? And so casually?  
  
"Die?" he asked. A blinding light washed over the two as the Angel blasted away at the pyramid-like NERV HQ nearby. The barrage had stopped a few seconds ago. The light died away as the explosion did.  
  
"That's right", Kaji told him. "It's said that if an Angel comes into contact with Adam, who lies sleeping beneath this very ground, humanity will be eradicated", Kaji explained to the Shinji. Shinji's eyed widened considerably, Kaji laughed for a moment as he saw his reaction before continuing.  
  
"Third Impact", Shinji said breathlessly. Kaji smiled. "That's right, and the only thing that can stop it is the one thing that has power equal to an Angel's, the Evangelion", said Kaji.  
  
Shinji contemplated this for a moment. A second later a loud whirring was heard. Shinji turned towards the direction of the noise. The rather bright blue EVA-00 rose into view above the tree line. "Ayanami?" Shinji said out loud. He would have expected Rei to be using Unit 01 now that he was gone. He gasped as he noticed something else. "With no rifle?!" he shouted in disbelief. EVA-00 was missing an arm, in it's other arm it cradled a large cylindrical object. Shinji had no idea as to what it was. A split-second later, the EVA sprinted towards the Angel. The Angel turned around to face the EVA a moment before it made contact. The two AT fields clashed. The familiar orange ripple effect spread from the point of contact, washing the entire area with a bright light. A split second later the bright orange light disappeared as EVA-00 broke through the Angel's AT field, it proceeded to thrust the cylinder into the Angel's core.  
  
Shinji was thrown back a meter by the resulting explosion. A million thoughts ran through his head. Here are a few examples. "Why the hell did Ayanami just blow herself up?" "Was that an N2 mine?" "How is it that Kaji is still standing?" "Is Ayanami okay?" and most importantly, "What happens now?" Even as the explosion subsided, the area was still bathed in an eerie orange light. Through the haze Shinji could still make out two giant shapes still standing.  
  
One of the dark shape's arms thrust at the other one. The ground shook as EVA-00 fell to the ground. Shinji blinked, mouth wide as he watched this in horror.  
  
"Shinji, the only thing I can do is stand here and water." Kaji spoke after a moment. "But you have something you can do, that only you can do", he continued calmly, still watering his watermelons (presumably for emphasis). Shinji stared at EVA-00 and EVA-02, trying to make his decision. Kaji seemed to sense this. "Nobody is forcing you, think for yourself and make the decision by yourself... Think about what you have to do now", Kaji told him sagely. The look on Shinji's face was now one of grim determination. "Think about no longer having any regrets", Kaji added. The orange light faded, Shinji closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Thank you Kaji" Shinji told the older man before running towards HQ, leaving Kaji, the watermelons and his old self far behind.  
  
The Angel's eyes flared again and bright explosions impacted on HQ. Shinji ignored them as he continued running, running for his life, running for everyone's lives. Another explosion flared up, ripping a large hole into HQ.  
  
Asuka sat in the entry plug listening to the comm. She was on the edge of her seat so to speak. She was ready to rip her hair out; she was so nervous. She hated being unable to fight or do anything. From what she heard on the comm., things were not going well. Wonder-girl had gone Kamikaze trying to take the Angel out with an N2 mine. That had failed horribly. Even as the Angel descended down the main shaft, they were still trying to activate EVA-01 via dummy-plug (the auto-pilot system). Needless to say, it wasn't working. Asuka at this point, tried to accept her fate; that wasn't working either. Suddenly a voice issued over the comm. that startled her.  
  
"LET ME PILOT IT!" Shinji yelled as he finally came to a stop onto the umbilical bridge in front of Unit-01. "Me.Me." He panted as he caught his breath. He looked up to where his Father, the Commander stood. "Let me pilot Unit-01!" He yelled at him. "Father", he spoke softly. As he spoke that last word his hand clenched into a fist and unclenched. "Why are you here?" the Commander's calm and cold voice sounded. Shinji clenched his fists; he didn't have time for this.  
  
"You need a pilot and we don't have time for this, so let me pilot it, damn you!" he shouted at his father, surprised by his own boldness. The commander was also surprised; the only indication of this was his one raised eyebrow. A split second later a smirk appeared on his face. "Very well then, pilot if you wish," he said casually. A few moments later Shinji was in the entry plug swearing at the thing to hurry up and activate.  
  
Asuka blinked as she sat in her plug. Had that really been Shinji just then? "When the hell did he grow a pair?" she thought to herself as she sat back into her seat. As much as she hated to admit it, she felt better now that Shinji was in his EVA. At least now she'd live to fight another day.  
  
Part 2 - A Man's Fight/No More Running  
  
"Blood is rushing through my veins, I got the power Channel the energy and with my strength I will devour, Sickening thoughts are running through my head, That's when I realize I'm glad I'm not dead!"  
  
- Papa Roach (Blood Brothers)  
  
Everything went silent and dark for a moment in the main control room. Suddenly a massive shape burst through one of the walls with a deafening crash. The Angel of Might had come. It moved forwards until its face was only a few meters away from the bridge. Standing in front of it was a small group of humans.  
  
Misato Katsuragi stared at the massive creature, her heart filled with hate and fear. As far as she knew, everyone was going to die. The bridge crew would be the first, and then the rest of humanity would follow once Third Impact occurred. As she stared down the Angel, she was filled with newfound hate.  
  
The Angel's eyes lit up, ready to deliver death.  
  
Shinji felt an indescribable feeling of joy wash over him as he and EVA-01 literally crashed through the wall of the main control room, blind- siding the angel.  
  
Only now did he truly understand Kaji's words. As he saved Misato and the rest of the bridge crew's life, he realized how privileged he was. He was in a position to save the people he cared about. This spurred him on.  
  
Misato blinked as the giant form of the purple EVA-01 rushed past her. "Unit-01?" she shouted in disbelief before realizing who was piloting. "SHINJI!" Over the comm. she could hear his scream of rage.  
  
Shinji grabbed the Angel and forced it through another wall into the EVA cages. Pinning it to the ground with one leg the EVA raised a fist to beat the Angel. Shinji wanted it to suffer, like its kind had made him suffer. The Angel had other ideas and raised its head. A bright light issued from its eyes, a brilliant white beam followed suit, separating Eva's left forearm from the rest of its body sending it crashing into one of the walls. A large arc of blood hit the wall, only a moment before the giant forearm slid down it. Standing near the guardrails only a few meters away was Gendo Ikari, half coated in blood. He simply stood there, staring at Unit-01.  
  
Shinji screamed in rage, as he grabbed his arm where the Angel had separated Eva's forearm. After a split second he let go and grabbed the controls. "Want to play rough do you?!" He screamed at the thing as he charged it. Shinji dodged as the Angel shot one of its arms at him. He quickly round housed the Angel, leaving a considerable dent in the creature's side. Shinji half-screamed, half-laughed as he did so, "So this is why Asuka loves it so much!" he said out-loud as he charged into the Angel sending it and the Eva into one of the lifts. Suddenly Shinji had an idea.  
  
"MISATO!" he yelled at the comm. Thankfully for him Misato knew what he was thinking and ordered the catapult on which the Angel and EVA were located to be launched. A split second later it did so. Shinji forced the Angel's face against the side of the shaft as they both shot up towards the surface at supersonic speeds. Shinji could hear a loud screeching noise as he did so, whether it was the sound of the Angel's face scraping against the shaft or the Angel screaming, Shinji didn't know. Personally he was hoping for the latter. Normally he would be disgusted with himself for taking pleasure in someone or something's pain. He could forgive himself though, seeing as he wasn't really in a normal state of mind.  
  
Finally the shaft ended and the two combatants soared into the night air. Shinji dug both of his knees into the Angel and spun EVA's body so that when they hit the ground, it would be the Angel who touched down first. And so it did. The weight of the Evangelion combined with the force of gravity, forced the Eva's knee armor deep into the Angel. Blood issued forth like a geyser from the two puncture marks. Shinji's smile took on a feral appearance as he proceeded to beat the Angel brutally in a manner that was eerily similar to the way that EVA-01 had dispatched the 13th angel (EVA- 03) when it had been controlled by the dummy plug system.  
  
After bloodying it up a bit, Shinji decided that would he deface the thing, literally. He palmed the Angel's face and began pulling. Shinji was a bit disappointed when he realized that the Angel's face was still attached by some sort of muscles.  
  
And then it happened. Everything went silent. The Eva had lost power. Shinji blinked as the cockpit turned dark. The only light and sound was the small timer portraying several digits -00:00:00, the internal batteries remaining time. Shinji cursed inwardly. When the hell had the umbilical cable snapped?  
  
The Angel's face, which had been stretched a considerable amount, snapped back to its proper place. Now that its attacker was disabled the Angel decided that a little payback was in order. It wrapped one of its paper- like arms around EVA-01's head, lifted the purple humanoid off of itself and tossed it. EVA-01 landed shortly after with a loud thud as it hit a small mountain. The Angel got up on its stubby legs and moved closer. Almost leisurely it plunged one of its arms deep into the left side of EVA- 01's chest. Blood sprayed out of the laceration. The Angel's eyes flashed again and an explosion issued from the wound blowing away the chest plate.  
  
The sight that greeted the bridge crew as they ran out of the emergency exit was not a good one. Eva's bright red core, not entirely unlike the Angel's, had been exposed by the Angel's particle beam. The Angel in question was currently pounding on it with its arms. The EVA shuddered under the force of the impact.  
  
Inside the cockpit Shinji was pulling on the controls frantically. He barely noticed that cracks were appearing in the roof of the entry-plug. If he had been synched with the EVA at this moment, he would probably be screaming in pain. Not to say that he wasn't doing any screaming. "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" he shouted frantically at his Eva, trying his best to ignore the fact that the Angel was currently pounding him. As the cockpit shook, he kept screaming those words like a mantra, as if their repetition would make it a reality. He knew his death was near, and once he was gone, the human race would follow suit. "MOVE! MOVE! IF YOU DON'T MOVE NOW, THEN THERE'S NO POINT TO THIS! IF YOU DON'T MOVE, EVERYONE'S GOING TO DIE, I CAN'T LET THEM DOWN AGAIN AND I'M SICK OF THIS ALREADY, SO JUST MOVE DAMN IT!" he shouted. The orange glow of the LCL in the plug disappeared as everything went dark. Shinji could feel a familiar presence, and heard what sounded like a heart beating. "Mother?" he whispered. Then all went dark.  
  
Asuka's mind was racing, EVA-01 had just re-activated, without any power! She watched, wondering how the hell Shinji had done it, still wondering when he had found time to become so bold. Where was the spineless wimp she had enjoyed teasing, Where was the Shinji Ikari she had met when she first arrived in Japan? A moment later she had an epiphany. Somewhere along the line he had grown, she had been too busy complaining about this and that to notice or care. She tried not to contemplate this and instead watched as Unit-01 fought.  
  
The Angel had pulled back its ribbon-like arm for the final blow. If it had more of a face, it would be smiling. Suddenly EVA-01's eyes lit up and it thrust its hand forth just as the Angel struck. The hand cut through the ribbon-like arms and closed halfway through. The Eva wrapped the arm around its hand quickly and pulled with all its might. The Angel crashed into Unit-01 at full force, face to face with the awakened Eva. The Eva growled as it opened its mouth, before kicking the Angel off, ripping the arm that it was holding off, and sending the Angel flying a few hundred meters into the forest. It plowed through the forest, sending birds flying everywhere.  
  
Unit-01 stood up and held the remains of one of the Angel's arms to where it's forearm should have been connected. The armor plating where Unit- 01's mouth was, morphed, revealing a full set of sharp white teeth. The Angel's arm connected itself to EVA and began to bubble and morph. After about a second, Eva's arm had been regenerated except for the armor plating and paint job. The regenerated arm had a skin-like tone. It raised its head and let out a howl that pierced the night.  
  
The Angel however was not quite done yet. Its other arm shot out of the forest towards Unit-01. The Eva simply raised its hand, and deployed its AT field. The Angel's arm shattered under the force of the impact, and the Angel fell backwards in a shower of blood as Unit-01 used its AT field to penetrate the Angels. The bright orange hexagonal field disappeared. EVA-01 dropped into a crouch, looking rather savage and primitive. A moment later it began moving towards the Angel on all fours like some sort of beast. It reached the Angel a few seconds later. The angel's eyes lit up, ready to issue another particle beam, but with a quick motion of its hand, Unit-01 silenced it. What it proceeded to do shocked both Asuka and the bridge crew. It stooped over the Angel and began to devour it, bite by bloody bite. Blood dripped from its mouth as it tore another section out of the Angel. Blood poured like a river from the Angel's body as it collapsed in defeat, but the EVA continued eating. A moment later it stood up. A creaking noise was heard as its body bulged. The armor plating on Unit-01 burst off as it let out an unearthly howl. The only armor remaining was on the head, covering EVA's true face with an iron mask.  
  
"The bindings!" cried Ritsuko Akagi, NERV's head scientist. Around her bleach blonde head she had a bandage. She had been at the EVA activation facility in Matsushiro, when the 13th Angel had taken over EVA-03. "Bindings?" lt. Makoto, a young man, a little over twenty, with glasses who worked closely with her, asked in disbelief. "That's right, it's not really armor plating, those are restraints that allow us to control Eva's power", Ritsuko explained. Misato looked at her, a slight expression of shock on her face. Ritsuko then continued, "But now the Eva is breaking the chains that bind it to our will. We can no longer control the Eva."  
  
Asuka still sat in her plug, watching in horror. "Do I. Do I pilot a beast like that?" she whispered breathlessly. Unit-01 was still howling, it was a terrifying sound. She ignored the fact that the recovery team hadn't arrived to extract her yet, but she didn't care. Even missing arms and a head, EVA-02 was a safer place to be then anywhere else. It seemed that Shinji had finally snapped, lost control. God knew what he or the Eva would do in their current state of mind. A few minutes later everything went silent. Asuka couldn't tell which was more frightening, Unit-01's previous howl or the eerie silence now that it had stopped. She listened intently, expecting to hear something large approaching at any moment. Nothing came. 


	3. Revelations

Chapter 2 - Revelations  
  
Part 1 - Missing you  
  
Still counting the days I've been without you 1, 2, 3, 4...  
  
Still counting the days that you've been gone.  
  
Day one was no fun.  
  
Day two, I hated you.  
  
By day three I wish you'd come right back to me.  
  
Day four, five and six, well I guess you just don't give a shit.  
  
Day seven, this is hell. This is hell.  
  
I gotta get away, and find something to do.  
  
But everything I hear, everything I see, reminds me of you.  
  
Still counting the days I've been without you 1, 2, 3, 4...  
  
Still counting the days that you've been gone.  
  
GOLDFINGER (Counting the Days)  
  
Asuka lay in her bed staring at the ceiling; it had been a full two days since the berserker incident, two full days since he had gone. Asuka sighed as she remembered her reaction to Misato's news concerning Shinji. Her exact words had been "That Bastard! That Cowardly Bastard!" After seeing the questioning look on Misato's face she had explained. "First he shows me up again, and now he's run off so I can't get my hands on him!"  
  
According to Dr. Akagi, Shinji had been absorbed by Unit-01 after reaching an unprecedented sync ratio of over 400%. She didn't know if they could bring him back. Asuka had been a little distressed by the last part of the news but managed to hide it well.  
  
Now, as she lay in her bed she suddenly felt sick with herself. Why did she care so much about him, a spineless wimp? Then she remembered that he wasn't really a spineless wimp anymore, he had confronted his father, and brutally beat the Angel that had taken her and Rei out easily. He had single-handedly saved the day, again. Even so, Asuka still felt pathetic. Ever since she had met Shinji her feelings about him had swung back and forth violently (in more than one way). Some days she wanted him badly, while other days she wouldn't be content till she saw him dead. The past few days had been leaning towards the former. Now that he was gone, she wanted him back.  
  
She remembered the missions they had gone on. She remembered the synchronization training they had gone through in order to defeat the 7th angel. She remembered Shinji saving her as she fell in the volcano after defeating the 8th Angel. She remembered his fight with the 12th Angel, how she had felt when he disappeared into the Angel, and her shock and fear when his Unit-01 had gone berserk and torn its way out of the Angel. And of course she remembered how Shinji had fought the 14th Angel, how Unit-01 had devoured it.  
  
She got up out of her bed and poked her head out of her room. From the sound of it, Misato wasn't home. She was probably at NERV HQ, working with Ritsuko to get Shinji back.  
  
After making sure that the coast was clear, Asuka snuck into Shinji's room. The small plaque on his door read 'Shinji's Lovely Suite". Asuka laughed for two reasons. One, Misato had put the plaque up, not Shinji. And two, Shinji's 'suite' was anything but lovely. It was too damn empty, lifeless almost. Much like Shinji had been becoming, before he disappeared. Asuka took a deep breath before entering the room. She and Shinji had, had an unspoken rule between them that they were never to enter one another's room. She had just broken it.  
  
She sat down on his neatly made bed. Beside the bed were two large labeled boxes probably containing all of Shinji's possessions. She decided to have a look, seeing as there wasn't much there. The label on the first box read 'Clothing'. Asuka deduced that the second box would contain Shinji's personal items. Therefore she opened the second box first. What she found when she looked through it shocked her a little bit.  
  
Aside from Shinji's S-DAT and small collection of tapes there were also a small journal and two picture frames. In one of the picture frames was a photo of herself, Misato and Shinji. Asuka looked at the photo intently. Misato had her arms around both Shinji and her, and all three of them were smiling. Almost like a family.  
  
She was amazed that Shinji had kept this photo. Did she and Misato really mean that much to him? Perhaps after reading the journal she would know. The second photo surprised her more so than the first. It wasn't really a photo so to speak, but what looked like cutouts from magazines. It was of a father, mother and teenage son, together at a small pristine lake, a small cottage and forest in the background. The thing that was surprising about the photo was that all of the people's faces had been replaced. Taped over where the teenage boy's face should have been was Shinji's NERV photo. She shuddered slightly as she saw it. He looked so emotionless, almost like a doll.  
  
Her eyes widened when she saw whose face was on the father's body. "K- Kaji?" she shouted. She was rather shocked, seeing as she had, had a rather large crush on Kaji for a very long time. He was the only man she thought was worthy of someone like her.  
  
As she stared at his face she noticed that there had been another photo underneath it. She took the makeshift photo out of the frame and carefully removed Kaji's face from the over all picture.  
  
Underneath where his face had been there was another familiar face, the cold, uncaring face of Gendo Ikari. The orange sunglasses he always wore did little to soften his unrelenting stare. Asuka took a look at Shinji's photo again. "Give him a pair of those glasses and a beard and he'd look almost exactly the same," She thought to herself, shuddering at the mental image. After staring longingly at Kaji's face she turned her attention to the mother's face. She laughed out loud when she noticed who it was.  
  
The face was that of their guardian and commanding officer Misato Katsuragi. Her purple hair and brilliant hazel eyes were rather vivid and unmistakable. A thought occurred to Asuka. Was this what Shinji wanted his perfect family to be? Or were these the people who he felt were the parents he had never had? Another question that popped up was, "Where do I fit into this?" Too bad she'd never find out now. Now that Shinji was gone.  
  
Then Asuka suddenly realized where she could find the answers. Shinji's journal was lying on the bed right beside her. As she reached for it she felt a strange feeling. Almost like guilt. Who was she to go and look through Shinji's things? Who was she to violate his sanctum, to read his deepest and truest thoughts? She put Shinji's things back into the second box, closed it and walked out of the room. "Not tonight. Not tonight" she told herself as she did so. She went back to lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Within a few minutes she was asleep.  
  
Asuka awoke and sat up in her bed. She stretched out as she did so. As she stretched she looked down at the shirt she was wearing. It was a plain white, buttoned up, long sleeved oxford shirt. Oh, and it was also Shinji's. Asuka sighed; she had started wearing it three nights ago, when she had suddenly started to feel an intense sense of longing. Even after putting on his shirt, the feeling was still there, although not as strong. Asuka checked her alarm clock for the time, 8:20. Hmm, it was a Sunday so she didn't have school. She figured she might as well get up though.  
  
As she walked towards the bathroom, Asuka stopped in front of Shinji's room for a moment. It had now been a week since Shinji had been absorbed by Unit- 01, and it had been five days since she had last glanced at Shinji's personal things. The idea of reading his journal, of finding answers to her numerous questions about Shinji, popped back into her head at that very moment. "Tonight. It'll be tonight", she told herself as she closed the bathroom door behind her.  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen sat a rather depressed looking Misato Katsuragi, sipping her morning beer. She sighed; the beer no longer held any appeal for her anymore. It was just routine now. Wake up, take a shower, have a few cans of beer, and then head to work. No amount of beer could help her escape harsh reality, at least the reality that Shinji might not be coming back. The loss of Shinji had hit her hardest. He had been her last chance at redemption, a chance to prove she still had some value in this world. As selfish as that sounded, she cared for the boy; he had been the child she would never have.  
  
Misato looked up from her beer as Asuka walked into the kitchen; she was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice that Asuka was wearing one of Shinji's shirts. Had she noticed though, she would have been rather surprised and would have wondered what the hell Asuka thought she was doing.  
  
Asuka had done a rather good job of pretending not to care about Shinji's absence, but she couldn't keep it up forever. She sat down at the breakfast table and eyed the bowl of Instant Ramen in front of her disdainfully. Instant food was the only thing that Misato could cook, and even then she always found some way to screw it up horribly. It was times like these that Asuka missed Shinji the most, he was the one who usually did the cooking, and unlike Misato, Shinji was a pretty damn good cook. With a resigned sigh Asuka began to eat.  
  
After about a minute or so, Misato finally spoke up. "Dr. Akagi says that Rei's finally recovered," she said quietly. Asuka twitched slightly, whether it was from the food or from the news was anyone's guess. "Why are you bothering me with this trivial crap" Asuka growled. Misato ignored the comment and continued speaking. "Even though your EVAs are still too damaged for use, Dr. Akagi has some Synch tests scheduled for you today at around one" she told her.  
  
Asuka nodded. "Ok, so what's the situation with Unit-01 and Shinji?" she asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. Bad Idea. "Unit-01's been restrained and Dr. Akagi is currently trying to find some way to get Shinji back" Misato replied, her voice cold and serious. After seeing the same sort of look in Misato's eyes, Asuka decided to drop the subject. Misato finished her beer and got up. "Be at the EVA cages at one" was all that Misato said as she left for NERV.  
  
Asuka sighed as she checked her watch; it was only 11:38. Her best friend Hikari Horaki had gone to Tokyo-02 for the day. Hikari had said that it was family business, but Asuka knew better. Hikari had gone to Tokyo-02 to visit Touji, whom she liked. a lot. Asuka shook her head, what Hikari saw in the stooge was beyond her. The thing that mattered though was that she was all alone. Well, maybe not completely alone. Her only company at the moment was Pen-Pen, Misato's penguin. Asuka petted his red-feathered head. "Looks like it's just you and me Pen-Pen", she told the penguin.  
  
"Wark?" the penguin squawked, his head tilted in a quizzical pose. Asuka laughed as she watched him, waddle towards the fridge and get himself a beer. She laughed even harder as she watched him down it in one go. "You're worse than Misato, you know that?" she told the penguin. Again he gave her a puzzled expression.  
  
Asuka suddenly remembered her plans for the night, she realized that she was completely alone and had a good hour to burn. She got up from her seat and headed for Shinji's room, with a curious warm water penguin in tow. Pen- Pen blinked a few times as he watched Asuka; he wondered what she was planning on doing.  
  
As Asuka reached the door to Shinji's room, Pen-Pen realized what she was doing and gave a loud 'WARK!" Asuka ignored him and entered. Pen-Pen continued protesting by squawking some more. When he realized that it wasn't doing anything he simply shrugged (as best as a penguin can) and gave an almost sigh-like squawk before waddling back to the kitchen, where his fridge awaited him.  
  
Asuka reached into the second box, just as she had done a few nights ago and pulled out the small journal. "Shinji might not be coming back, and even if he does he'll never tell me what I need to know" Asuka told herself, trying to justify what she was about to do. Her hands shook slightly as she picked up the small black book. She began reading.  
  
The only words on the first page were 'Tokyo-03 journals'. That's not to say that those were the only things on the page. Surrounding the words, scattered all over the page were caricatures of people that both she and Shinji knew. Asuka hadn't known that Shinji was an artist. The most prominent (and closest to the words) were three plug-suited figures. The central figure was Shinji in his white and blue suit. . He had a startled expression on his face and a large sweat drop running down the side of his head. To his left was the icy-blue head Rei, wearing her white plug suit. Her face devoid of expression as always, she seemed to be staring at something to Shinji's right. That something happened to be Asuka.  
  
The real Asuka didn't know whether to laugh or be indignant. The Asuka on the page was wearing a bright red plug suit. She seemed to be shouting something as she jumped into the air, giving a victory sign. As she stared at the three figures it started to make sense. Shinji had been startled by Asuka's outburst, whilst Rei, as always, just stood there, observing passively. Asuka then scanned the rest of the page picking out faces and caricatures.  
  
In one small corner stood and sat Commander Ikari and Sub-commander Fuyutski. The commander was sitting at a desk, his hand folded in front of his face as usual, and his orange sunglasses reflecting the light. At his side stood the gray-haired Sub commander, a smirk on his face as he looked at the viewer. Across the page from them were the three EVAs, surrounded by all of the angels they had defeated. Asuka noticed that the 13th and 14th Angels were missing. She decided that she would study the front page later and decided to skip ahead to Shinji's last journal entry.  
  
LAST DAY IN TOKYO-03  
  
'Well, Here I am again. running away. I know that Asuka's disgusted with me, heck she won't even talk to me. I don't care anymore. I. I did a terrible thing, she has every right to be disgusted with me, I hate myself. I hate him even more. I'm not making any sense, am I? I'll start at the beginning. A few days ago I found out that EVA-03 had arrived. I couldn't say that I was happy about it. A new EVA meant a new pilot, another sacrifice to the nightmare that is EVA. Kensuke, who was the one who had filled me in on this, wanted to be the pilot. I honestly don't understand him, both Touji and me have explained it to Kensuke at least a million times, piloting means pain and suffering. Still, Kensuke won't listen; he's so caught up in the idea of glory and all that. If only he knew the sort of life that we pilots lead, or in my case, have led.' The first paragraph read. Asuka sighed as she read it. Yes, she had been disgusted with Shinji, for running away again, for giving up.  
  
Asuka thought she knew what Shinji had meant by 'the life that we pilots lead, or in my case led'. She had read Shinji's psychological and personal profile long before she had met him. His father had abandoned him at the age of four, shortly after his mother had died. Before he had arrived at Tokyo-03, he had been living with his Uncle in Old Kyoto. His uncle hadn't been the nicest guy around and didn't care too much for Shinji. As a result Shinji withdrew into his own little introverted world, blocking everyone out with the aid of his S-DAT. Now most people would feel sorry for Shinji after reading about his tragic past; Asuka had at first, until she read that he dealt with his problems by running from them. She had no respect for cowards, for people who were hopelessly dependant on others. Asuka sighed before she continued reading.  
  
'Not that it matters now; Kensuke wasn't chosen as the Fourth Child, luckily for him. School went by without too much trouble. Ayanami just sat there, staring at something out the window, and Sensei rambled on about Second Impact as always. Asuka got angry with me, again. "Perverted stooge! Why the hell are you staring at me!" she had yelled at me. I hadn't even been looking at her! God, some days it's a wonder that I can take the abuse, at least she hadn't slapped me.'  
  
Asuka paused for a moment, feeling mildly guilty. She had been a bitch to Shinji, and the only thing he did was just sit (or stand) there and take it. He could have yelled back at her or even hit back, but he never did. She was about to continue reading, but something compelled her to check the time. She checked her watch. It was 12:40. "Schiesse! I'm going to be late" she yelled as she got up. She tossed the journal aside and ran towards the front door. She quickly put on her shoes, opened the door, stepped outside, locked the door after closing it and ran as if all the Angels were after her.  
  
As the city seemingly rushed past, Asuka managed to catch her breath. She had caught a special express train going into the Geofront. She checked her watch again. It was 12:53. "Come on. Hurry up, hurry up!" she shouted, ignoring the NERV employees that were staring at her. Being late was up there along with cowards on Asuka's hate list. She paced back and forth impatiently, checking her watch every few seconds.  
  
Two minutes later, the bright bullet-like train came to a halt in the Geofront. "Out of my way!" Asuka shouted as she burst out of the train running. Just a few hundred meters away was the familiar pyramid that was headquarters. The gigantic armored structured glowed eerily in the darkness. Asuka could see that it still hadn't been repaired. The pyramid still had a gaping hole in it from where the 14th Angel had forced its way through. "At least they seem to have repaired the special armor" Asuka sighed as she paused for a moment, looking up at the roof of the Geofront where there should have been another gaping hole. She then proceeded to enter headquarters. She slid her entry card through the little slot right next to the main doors. The door opened, letting Asuka through before slamming shut again. Asuka checked her watch again, 12:57. "900 meters in 3 minutes. piece of cake" Asuka told herself as she began running again. Most NERV employees (recognizing Asuka) did the smart thing and got out of the way as she bolted past. Those that didn't ended up in the NERV infirmary, nursing something or other.  
  
Ritsuko Akagi checked her watch. It was one o clock. Rei stood beside her, already in her plug suit. Ritsuko was about to say, "Where is that girl?" but didn't need to, seeing as Asuka had just arrived. Asuka smiled, she wasn't even breathing hard. "Right on time" Asuka laughed as she checked her watch. "Good, now go suit up and meet me back her once you're finished", Ritsuko told her curtly. Asuka nodded and headed off towards the change rooms. As she headed for them she noticed Unit-01. Its head and most of its upper body was wrapped in bandages, obscuring most of the original shape. Asuka shuddered slightly as she took a quick look into the EVA's eyes. The eyes and the mouth were the only things that weren't bandaged. Asuka noticed that the bright green eyes looked almost human. "Just what the hell is an EVA?" she thought to herself as she walked into the change room.  
  
Misato Katsuragi was asking herself the same question as she stared at Unit- 01. She didn't even notice Ritsuko walk up beside her. "Damn it Shinji. Where are you?" Misato wondered out loud. "Floating around in quantum space, I suspect" Ritsuko answered, surprising Misato. "Hmmm? Oh, it's you Ritsuko" Misato said. "How have you been?" Ritsuko asked, having not been able to talk to Misato in a few days due to work. "I feel like crap. I haven't slept in days," Misato sighed. "So how're you doing on the bring back Shinji front?" she then asked. Ritsuko winced mentally. "Well. We're actually going to try a salvage operation today" Ritsuko said hesitantly. Misato's eyes lit up at the mention of a chance to get Shinji back. "When?" she asked. "Right after I finish running the sync tests on Rei and Asuka" Ritsuko replied, before walking away, leaving Misato with Unit-01.  
  
Misato took another look at Unit-01. "Hold on Shinji. We're going to get you back, wherever you are" Misato whispered to the half bandaged unit before heading for the test area.  
  
A few minutes later, Asuka was in her entry plug. She took a deep breath of LCL and began to concentrate on synching with EVA. Suddenly several memories began to assault her. Her first kiss, which she had (or so she thought) stupidly wasted on Shinji, she could remember it clearly now. It had been on the night just before the thirteenth Angel attacked.  
  
"Hey Shinji. Have you ever kissed a girl?" She had asked him. Shinji of course had been a little startled by the question. "N-No Why do you want to know?" he had managed to stutter. Then Asuka had pulled out the big question. "Do you want to kiss me?" she had asked him. Shinji's eyes had gone wide at that moment. "What? Why?" he had asked in disbelief. Asuka had rolled her eyes at his response. "Because I'm bored" she had replied innocently. "Is that even a reason?" Shinji asked, still shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
Asuka had started to lose her patience. Why did everything have to be a struggle with that boy? "Look, do you want to kiss me or not, baka?" she had asked him again, irritation slowly creeping into her voice. Then Shinji had done something surprising. "Yes, Let's do it" he had responded, taking a step forward. The two then brought their faces close to each other. Asuka had closed her eyes as she kissed him, she was starting to enjoy it, but then she felt something strange. "Your breath is tickling my nose" she told him, stopping the kiss for a moment while she grabbed his nose, closing off his air supply. She then resumed the kiss, ignoring the fact that Shinji was slowly turning a shade of purple. Shinji had broken off the kiss when his lungs finally gave out. He stumbled backwards gasping for air. Asuka had run into the washroom and began to gargle furiously. "Uh Yuck! I should never kiss to kill time!" she had shouted.  
  
Now that she was remembering it, she realized that it hadn't been that bad. Had Shinji not broken it off, maybe she would have enjoyed it more. A voice shook her out of her thoughts. "Asuka, you're not concentrating! Your sync ratio just went down by 12 points!" Ritsuko berated her as she spoke into the comm. "Sorry, ma'am" Asuka apologized as she pushed her thoughts of Shinji out of her mind and began to focus.  
  
Ritsuko took another look at the screen. "Pilot Sohryu's score has just gone up by 23 points, doctor", Lt. Ibuki confirmed. "That's better" Ritsuko spoke into the comm. Inside her entry plug, Asuka allowed herself a small smile.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only twenty minutes) later, the sync tests were over. "Congratulations Asuka, you hold the highest test score this time", Ritsuko spoke into the comm. as she motioned to Lt. Ibuki to drain the test room.  
  
As Asuka waited for the room to drain, her thoughts drifted back to Shinji. Mentally, she hit herself as she snapped out of them. "Why the hell am I thinking about him?" she thought to herself as she got out of the entry plug. Ritsuko's voice issued over the loudspeakers as she did so. "Okay, Asuka you're free to go" the scientist's voice proclaimed. Asuka breathed a sigh or relief, no more testing that day for her. 'Not that matters anymore, now that the only competition's gone'. Somewhere in her head, a small voice rejoiced. A slightly larger voice popped out of another corner of her mind and told it to do numerous obscene things to itself. The small voice let out a small 'Eep' before vanishing to wherever it had come from. 'Do you really want this? No competition whatsoever? .No Shinji?' the now predominant voice in her head asked, no, accused. "Shut up. Just shut up."Asuka told the voice as she walked towards the showers. She could already feel the LCL drying and hardening. She hated that feeling. It was like drying blood.  
  
Asuka sighed as she felt the warm water hit her naked body, washing away the LCL, washing away her thoughts on Shinji with it. Normally she would have preferred a nice long relaxing bath, but that day she felt she didn't really have any need of it. It had been a bloody long and boring week. Sensei Yuusiga had been droning on and on about First and Second Impact. The old man had been telling them about it for weeks. They had been told that a large meteor had impacted in Antarctica. Much like the First Impact (which had been blamed for the death of the dinosaurs) it had caused several species to become extinct. "Bullshit." Asuka thought to herself, it was all a cover-up. Most of the people in NERV knew the truth behind Second Impact. It hadn't been a meteor that had caused Second Impact, it had been Adam (as it had been called) the first Angel. Unbeknownst to those who thought they knew the truth, this was also (to some extent) a cover-up. Only a select few in the world knew the absolute truth behind Second Impact. Asuka wasn't one of them, and therefore content to some extent. Misato paced back and forth nervously in front of the partially repaired Unit-02. The Eva's distinctive four eyed head was still missing, as was its right arm. 'If that fight hadn't been so serious. this might have been funny.' Misato mused as she remembered the fight with the fourteenth. Suddenly her cell phone rang. Misato quickly pulled it out, it had to be Ritsuko. A small text message flashed across the small screen of the smooth black NERV issue cell. 'TEST 2' were the letters present. Misato understood immediately, the salvage was taking place in the second EVA activation facility. After sparing once last glance at the broken Evangelion she headed towards the second activation facility.  
  
-------------------  
  
As she put on Shinji's shirt, Asuka felt somewhat, better. She felt less exhausted for some reason. Maybe it was the absence of that strange lingering LCL smell. Asuka took a moment to smell the white shirt. "Still smells like that idiot." she said out loud. Not noticing that she wasn't alone in the locker room, Asuka took another moment to savor the smell.  
  
"Pilot Sohryu?" asked a familiar monotone voice from somewhere behind her. Asuka knew of only one person that could possibly talk like that, that had access to the locker room. She spun around to come face to face with her fellow pilot, Rei Ayanami. 'My.What an unpleasant surprise' Asuka sighed mentally as looked the icy blue head up and down. 'Wearing the school uniform. As always' she noted. "What do you want wonder girl?" Asuka asked Rei. "I wish to you ask you a question." Rei answered in her quiet voice. 'Meh, let's see what wonder girl wants' Asuka thought to herself.  
  
"About?" Asuka asked the albino girl, oblivious to what was about to hit her. "What are your feelings towards Ikari?" Rei asked in response. Asuka was somewhat shocked (to say the least). Thoughts pooped in and out of her brain like bullets, leaving gaping holes in her defenses. Thoughts like, 'I'm not going to say it', 'Why does she want to know?', 'Does she know something?.... with the last one being 'She knows. how the hell does she know?'. Asuka waited a moment before answering, Rei didn't seem to notice. "What feelings? You think I care about that idiot or something?" Asuka almost shouted at the albino. Rei seemed unmoved by it.  
  
"I believe I understand now. I am merely curious as to why you are wearing Ikari's shirt if, as you say, you have no feelings for him." Rei stated, cold ire creeping at the edges of her voice. This set Asuka's defenses on high and pushed them to the forefront. She was running on auto- pilot. "Why the hell do you care? Are you jealous? Afraid that the idiot won't want his doll anymore?" she shouted at Rei. Although Rei seemed to show no reaction to the redhead's outburst, Asuka could feel she had hit a nerve. The corners of Rei's mouth turned down slightly and her brow seemed a little furrowed as well. For someone who (on a regular basis) showed no emotion, this was way worse than what Asuka's recent outburst. Well. Almost anyways. Asuka decided this would be a good time to go. "I'm not a doll." were the last words that Asuka heard from Rei as she left the room. After she was a fair distance away, Asuka decided to start running. "Its good exercise, after all, I want to keep this heavenly body." she told herself as she ran out of the Geofront. She was lying to herself of course. She knew that she was really running to get away from Rei. Rei, the Wonder girl who could read her like a book.  
  
----------------------  
  
Misato took a deep breath before entering the control room of the activation facility. "We're going to get him back. We're going to get him back." she whispered to herself as she entered. Sitting in front of a row of computer consoles were the bridge control team, or bridge bunnies (as Misato liked to call them), lieutenants Maya Ibuki, Aoba Shigeru, and Makoto Hyuga. Behind them stood the good doctor. Just past the quartet of NERV personnel was a massive window through which on could see the still bandaged and fearsome Eva-01. Its uncovered eyes glared dangerously at the people in the control room.  
  
Ritsuko heard someone enter the room. The most logical answer as to who it was. was Misato. 'After all, if the commander wouldn't go visit his son in the hospital, why would he bother showing up for something like this?' Ritsuko sighed mentally. She turned and smirked. 'Right as always,' she thought to herself. "Glad you could make it", she told her purple haired friend. Misato simply nodded and took her place beside Ritsuko. "All right, let's bring the third child home" Ritsuko said, motioning to the three lieutenants to start. "Salvage commencing time is 3:30", the brown- haired Maya Ibuki announced.  
  
----------------------  
  
Asuka collapsed onto the couch right after closing and locking the front door. She lay there for a few minutes, catching her breath. Looked like she wasn't in top form like she thought she was. She checked her watch, 3:45. "I've got a good two hours before she's back", Asuka said to no one in particular. As she had ran out of NERV, she had bumped into Misato, who had told her that she'd be back at around six with some sort of news. Lying there, Asuka smiled. She had two hours to read Shinji's journal uninterrupted. With renewed vigor she bolted from the couch towards Shinji's room. Unfortunately for both parties involved, Pen-Pen was walked past Shinji's door just as Asuka reached it.  
  
The hapless penguin didn't even have time to squawk a surprised 'Wark!' before the redhead tripped over him, smashing face first into Shinji's door. As she picked herself up off of the floor she considered doing several things to Pen-Pen, at the very least yelling at the flightless avian, at the worst skinning the little bastard alive and eating him. Before she could do either, Pen-Pen dashed off towards his fridge as if a demon was after him. A single thought was firmly implanted into his mind, 'Run and don't stop doing it until your home, Understand?' Still thinking that a certain angry fourteen year old was on his heels, he made a dive for his fridge, forgetting two things. One, penguins can't fly, two, the fridge door was closed.  
  
Asuka simply rubbed her head and entered Shinji's room, barely hearing the penguin as he crashed beak first into his fridge. "Idiot bird." Asuka muttered as she picked up Shinji's journal. "Now where was I?" she wondered as she tried to find the page where she had left off. "Here we are!"  
  
'It doesn't matter anymore. She'll never see me again if she's lucky. Hell, if I keep feeling this low, maybe no one will have to see me again. I know it sounds really stupid, but maybe it's the right thing to do. rid the world of a piece of worthless trash, and make amends to those I've hurt. Touji, his sister Mari, Asuka, and practically everyone in this god forsaken city. I still haven't explained why I'm leaving have I?'  
  
Asuka didn't know what to think after reading that last paragraph. Apparently, Shinji was suicidal, or at least had been. It was ironic that Asuka was so shocked by this fact, after all Shinji did seem like that sort of person, a coward who ran away from his troubles. Was it so hard to believe that he'd choose to run away for good? Asuka kept reading, hoping to be proved wrong.  
  
'During it's activation at Matsushiro, Evangelion Unit 03 was infected by the thirteenth angel, or so they told me. Rei, Asuka and I were deployed to stop the thing. They only told us that it was an angel. It's been two days and I'm still having nightmares. I don't think it'll ever leave me in peace. DAMN IT! I should have known something was wrong when I was ordered to stay behind as back up. Maybe it would have been different if I had been given point, maybe it wouldn't have. Unit-03 managed to out Asuka and Rei rather quickly. I can still remember their screams of agony, the silence that lingered after. Then it came. Black as the Commander's soul; Unit-03 attacked. I barely had time to react as it pounced on me. The Commander lied and said that there was no entry plug. So I fought. Then I saw it. an entry plug, another pilot, another human being. He had lied; he had tried to take a human life using my hands. I stopped fighting. Even as the black demon' hands wrapped around our throat, I did nothing to stop it. I guess what most people don't know about me is that I'd rather die than take another life. Maybe it's why everyone thinks I make a good EVA pilot. I've stopped caring about my own life. I'd rather be the one that gets hurt or killed than Rei or Asuka. Father. No. The Commander knew that and still he wouldn't listen.'  
  
Asuka paused for a moment, silently cursing Shinji. "Why do you have to be this way?" Asuka whispered, remembering his screams during the fight with the fourteenth. Thoughts of him, brought thoughts of her own defeat. She decided to keep on reading.  
  
'Even as it choked us, I refused to fight it, that's when the almighty bastard got tired of repeating himself, and decided to stop ignoring me. The interior of my plug was bathed in red light as my neural links with Unit-01 were severed. A barely audible humming noise followed shortly afterwards. I only found out today that it was something called a dummy plug was responsible for this and what came shortly afterwards. I watched in horror through a live video feed, as my Evangelion returned the deadly chokehold. Slowly but surely it broke the other unit's neck. My fears only increased as the black Evangelion's eyes grew dimmer and dimmer, eventually becoming totally dark. The pain I experienced had been nothing compared to what the other pilot must have been felt right then. Of course at that moment I was assuming that the pilot was still alive. I yelled as loud as I could, "Stop it! The pilot! You're killing the other pilot!" I was praying that someone would hear me and stop the beast that I was stuck in. As if to mock me, EVA renewed its assault a ferocity I've only seen in a berserk unit. my unit.  
  
My shouting soon became screaming as EVA began to rip it's fellow unit apart. I screamed till I was hoarse, then I screamed some more. It didn't listen. I watched, unable to look away as Unit-03's body was relieved of its head. a leg. an arm. and most of its internal organs. The blood of the broken Evangelion flowed throughout the streets of Tokyo-03, until most of them ran completely red, and still Unit-01 didn't stop. Even as the other unit's body collapsed under my unit's blows, it didn't stop. Strangely, I still had some hope at that moment; hope that the other pilot was alive. Then it happened, my Evangelion suddenly stopped its onslaught, and stared at the broken remnants of the Angel infected unit before it. It stooped over the broken body and suddenly fished something out of the corpse's body. A shiver ran down my spine as I saw the familiar long white cylinder in its hands. Unit-01 held up the entry plug for a moment, seeming to admire it. Its fingers roamed all over it, tensing up as they finally came to a stop. that's when I realized what it was going to do. My scream of "STOP! NO!" came too late as it began to crush the entry plug in its hand. However it seems that my scream did something. It stopped and dropped the entry plug. I was certain that the other pilot was dead. I still don't know.  
  
I can still see it in my head quite vividly. the moment when I found out whom I had almost killed, who, for all I know, I have killed. As the rescue crew pried open the hatch of the entry plug. as the familiar orange LCL, and the unwelcome crimson of blood poured out of it. That was when I finally discovered who it had been. Touji. My best friend Touji. It was all so surreal seeing him lying there. Seeming so pale in contrast with his black plugsuit. What could have possessed Touji to pilot? He knew how much pain it brought firsthand. Was it his sister? Was he piloting for her? I sobbed as I plummeted into depths of despair only attainable by killing your best friend, having your heart broken by your first love or coming back to your senses after lapsing into temporary insanity only to find you have killed everything that you hold dear. That's how low I was feeling at that moment.'  
  
Asuka took a moment to pause; Shinji was laying on the angst with a bloody trowel in this segment. It wasn't an easy read and the way it seemed to be going, it didn't seem like it would be getting any lighter. "The rest better not be him whining about how his life sucks", Asuka muttered as she continued. True, she was getting to know Shinji that much better but when the hell was he going to get to the juicy stuff? She wanted to know what made him tick, why he acted like such a wimp outside his EVA. So she continued.  
  
'And then another emotion arose within me. a burning rage that threatened to consume me and all others who got in my way. A fury directed at myself, my fellow pilots, the man I once called father, and most importantly the world and the Angels. The world that rejected me and the Angels that try to take my life and the lives of those I care for are one in the same. This rage still burned within me when they hauled my EVA back to HQ. It was this rage that convinced me that the best course of action was to threaten to rain death and destruction on NERV. It was this rage that got me two days in the brig. As I lay there in that cold room, I began to think about all the people I knew and what I think of them. I figure that this is a fitting way of saying goodbye, I suppose.'  
  
Asuka smiled as she read the last two sentences. Here it was! The answers to her questions. At this point, her conscience threw its hand up in frustration and walked off to God knows where. Asuka began to read fervently.  
  
'Thoughts on Misato Katsuragi  
  
What is there to say about Misato? She's two different people, or so it seems to me. At home she's a drunken, easy-going, lazy tease. Yet when we go out on the battlefield, she becomes so serious. I really don't know how she can switch between the two personas so easily. I guess I never will. She's the family I've never had; a big sister at the very least, and a mother at most. I wonder if she thinks of me the same way sometimes? My life might not be that great, and piloting Eva was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I always enjoyed coming back home to our little makeshift family. She was always there for me. She lent an ear when I needed t talk, a shoulder to cry on, she even made me laugh the few times I really needed it. Misato, I don't think I'll ever meet anyone quite like her'  
  
Asuka paused for a moment as her thoughts turned to her own feeling towards their purple-haired guardian. She hadn't really thought of her as anything other than a commanding officer. It hadn't really occurred to her that Misato was more than that, or even could be more than that. Clearly it had to Shinji. Perhaps there was a chance that she could share the same sort of bond with Misato that he had? Asuka sighed, knowing that there probably wasn't. "So who's next?" Asuka asked herself as she turned the page.  
  
'Thoughts on Kaji Ryouji  
  
Strange, whenever I think of Misato, Kaji isn't far behind. I suppose it's because of the roles they've played in my life. If Misato was the mother I've never had, then Kaji is not only the father I've never had, but the father I wished I had. Although I didn't see him as often as I would have liked, he still managed to help me out when he could and always had some pearl of wisdom to impart. He even tried to teach me how to pick up women, although I doubt I'll be trying anything he taught me anytime soon. My thanks go to him anyways.  
  
I never really understood why Misato doesn't admit that she likes him, choosing instead to pretend she hates him. Kaji's a great guy and they seem to be rather good for each other. Why doesn't she admit it, she might never know when it might be too late. Kaji, the smooth talking, eternally unshaven ladies man, I'll miss him sorely.'  
  
Asuka was more annoyed than shocked by what she had read. She had seen Shinji's makeshift family photo and had already guessed his feelings towards Kaji. The thing that had really ticked her off was his thoughts on the relationship between Misato and Kaji. Asuka really didn't want the major and Kaji together, she still blindly thought that he was all hers and that no one could have him. The only thing that had surprised her was that Kaji had tried to teach Shinji how to pick up women. "That'll be a laugh to watch" Asuka mused as she continued to the next section.  
  
'Thoughts on Rei Ayanami  
  
Rei Ayanami, she's a mystery wrapped up in an enigma, hidden in the vast mystery that is Evangelion. I've tried to understand her. She's so wraithlike, almost completely disconnected from the world around her. So much that one can easily forget she's even there. She's like that. I'm remembering the day I first met her. She was the reason I first started piloting. When she was brought out on that stretcher, all bandaged up and bleeding. she seemed so fragile, yet so strong at the same time. Even broken, she was still willing to pilot. Then suddenly the ground shook as the 3rd Angel unleashed its fury on us. When I had regained my senses, I saw that Rei had fallen from the stretcher. Her wounds had re-opened and she lay there bleeding, I ran to her and took her into my arms, trying to comfort her. I don't even know why I did it. I just felt a sudden urge to protect her, to keep her safe. I think I climbed into the monster known as Evangelion for the first time, for her, and not for the Commander. Since then I've tried to get to know her better. She's even saved my life once. Maybe that's why I think of her as a sister, someone who's willing to sacrifice oneself for the sake of family. Even though I know she can take care of herself, I can't help but worry about her. Now that I'm leaving, she'll most likely use Unit-01, and it'll (hopefully) protect her, like it has protected me. Rei Ayanami, You smiled for me. I don't think I'll ever forget you'  
  
Asuka took a long moment to take in everything she had just read. She had always had a suspicion that he and wonder girl were somewhat close, and that Shinji had feelings for her. However she had always thought that Shinji just wanted to bang Rei. Looked like Asuka had been wrong about that. and from the way things were going about many other things. Although the more she thought about Shinji and Rei, the more it made sense. They did look somewhat similar. once you ignored the red eyes and blue hair.  
  
Suddenly, for some strange reason Asuka remembered a conversation she had, had with Hikari a month or so back. It had been the day after their victory over 10th Angel and Shinji had been mobbed by quite a few attractive females, a lot of them bearing lunchboxes.  
  
"Gott! Look at that pervert!" Asuka had said as she watched him from her desk. "I bet he's accepting those lunches, just to he can try to score with them later" she had scoffed before adding (rather loudly too), "He's probably just going to throw the lunches out anyways." She had been more than a little disappointed when no one had paid any attention to what she had just said. Save Hikari of course.  
  
"Actually Asuka, he seems to be refusing the lunches." Hikari had pointed out. "WHAT!?" Asuka had practically shouted at the class rep. "Why would he do something like that? What does the Invincible Shinji think he's too good for them?" Asuka had laughed. "Well I suppose I shouldn't be telling you this, but I overheard Touji and Shinji talking after school a few days ago." Hikari had whispered to her red-haired friend. Asuka had stared at her best friend and tried hard to picture the brown-haired, pig-tailed, goody-goody, class representative eavesdropping. "What were you doing listening in on them?" Asuka asked raising an eyebrow before smirking. "Following one of the stooges again?" Asuka giggled, nudging her friend with an elbow. Hikari had blushed fiercely, almost matching the color of Asuka's plugsuit. "Look. do you want to hear what I have to say or what?" Hikari said quickly trying to change the topic. "All right, all right. spill it then", Asuka sighed, a bit disappointed, Hikari was a lot like Shinji. Too easy to tease.  
  
"Good, anyways, I was heading back to class since I forgot my purse there. Shinji and Touji were still there. I hid behind the door as I listened in. They were talking about women, or to be more exact, Touji was teasing Shinji about them, saying something about how most girls would give their "left hand" to spend a few minutes alone with him." Hikari whispered. Asuka had been about to say something, but thought better of it.  
  
Hikari simply continued. "Shinji then did something completely unexpected, he shouted at Touji. 'Just stop it all right! It's bad enough coming from others, I don't need you doing it too' he had yelled." Hikari paused for a moment. Asuka had been mildly curious about why Shinji would yell at his best friend. Hikari then continued. "Touji had been really surprised by Shinji's outburst, he even asked Shinji about it. 'What the hell are you talking about man?' he had said. Shinji suddenly looked even more downcast than usual, if that's possible. 'I'm talking about you teasing me about girls. you know just as well as me that there isn't a single girl out there that likes me. Especially the one girl I like. and she barely talks to me' Shinji laughed bitterly after that" Hikari whispered hastily.  
  
At the time Asuka had thought that Shinji had been talking about Rei. After all, Rei barely talked to anyone. And Shinji had been spending a lot of time trying to talk to her. Therefore she assumed that Shinji had been in love with Rei, or something like that. Now she knew better. "Who's next on the revelations list?" Asuka laughed before turning the page.  
  
'Thoughts on Commander Ikari  
  
Sadly I usually connect Rei with the Commander. Ironic, when I first met her I was jealous of her, the Commander treated her like a daughter. Or so I thought. Gendo Ikari, the cruelest bastard to ever walk upon the earth. Gendo Ikari, my father. I've tried to hate him with all my being. yet I can't. I don't know why I can't. It's as if something won't let me. I suppose it's better than the fear I had of him beforehand. Heh. You know what really gets to me about him though? It's not so much that he tried killing Touji, using my hands. It's that he had the gall to call me a coward for leaving afterwards.. Fair enough I suppose, but If I'm a coward then what do you call a man who abandoned his five year old son? What do you call a man who refuses to acknowledge his son's existence? What do you call a man who only uses his son as a tool? Well? Hell, he won't even call me by my fucking name! It's always, Pilot Ikari, Third Child, pilot and worst of all, boy. Never my fucking name! Is it so fucking hard for him? Is it!? To think I was stupid enough to believe we might've been able to patch things up, to be a family again. I see now that I was wrong.  
  
Father. I sincerely hope we never meet again. for your sake'  
  
Asuka was slightly taken aback by that last paragraph. For one thing, Shinji had worn more times than he had ever done in person. Another thing is that it showed Asuka that she and Shinji weren't that different. Both their fathers never really cared for them.  
  
In Asuka's mind a door appeared. From behind it a faint laughing could be heard. "No." Asuka told herself firmly sending the thought away. A faint voice began whispering to her. Asuka could barely hear the words. "Go away." she told it, trying to will it away. "Oh very well, Mein kleines Mädchen. I'll leave you in peace. for now" it laughed before returning to the darkest regions of Asuka's mind. Asuka shuddered involuntarily. Trying to forget the horrid voice, she hastily resumed reading.  
  
'Thoughts on Touji Suzahara, and Kensuke Aida  
  
I feel it's best if I write about these two at the same time. They're best thought of as a pair, and I can't stand to think of one without the other. They were my two best friends during my stay here. I can clearly remember the day I met them. Cowering between my fingers, even though only hours before, Touji was beating me into the ground. Funny how situations change like that huh? Needless to say, we became good friends after that. They've helped through a lot of things. through my depressions, through the days when I just didn't want to pilot or live anymore. And I've repaid them by destroying their homes every time I go out in EVA, by hurting their loved ones, endangering their lives. Christ, I've almost killed Touji! I found out from Misato that. that they're going to have to amputate his left leg and left arm. All of that because of me! Damn it.. I shouldn't be thinking of that. I shouldn't have to only think of my guilt.  
  
Despite all of the above, we still had a lot of great times together. They were always there for me. I only wish I could've done the same.  
  
Kensuke the military nut. Touji, the jock who was deeper than anyone would have suspected. I'll miss you guys more than you know.  
  
Asuka sighed. Reading about Shinji's thoughts of the other two-thirds of the Three Stooges made her think of her own friends. Well. friend. That's when Asuka realized it. She only had Hikari. She had alienated all the other girls to the point where they either hated or feared her. It was a depressing thought that disgusted her. She didn't want to think about it. so she flipped the page and continued reading.  
  
'Thoughts on Asuka'  
  
Asuka closed the book and tossed it aside quickly as if burnt. She stared at the journal for a few minutes wondering if she really wanted to read that last page. She was almost completely certain that whatever lay within those two pages would change her views on Shinji, not to mention the way she acted towards him and her attitude concerning him, forever. Or it could just be a boring little entry on how he though she was really nice and all. The question presented itself again. Dare I risk it?, burned in her mind. Her curiosity and conscience manifested themselves in her mind. She was the personification of her curiosity. Strangely, Shinji was the personification of her conscience. Within seconds the two were kung-fu fighting for supremacy. The two personifications traded blows for a few more minutes, before conscience-Shinji landed a well-placed side-kick on Curiosity Asuka. Curiosity fell with a loud thump. Conscience stood there proudly watching curiosity limp away. Then it winked at Asuka before walking back into dormancy.  
  
"That.was really, really messed up", Asuka muttered as she placed the book back into its hiding place. She then sat back down onto his bed. Something silver caught her eye. Shinji's S-DAT cassette player! In order to keep her curiosity pacified Asuka picked it up. 'Hmmm, let's see why Shinji's always so out of it' she thought to herself as she put in the earphones. Before turning it on she checked the tape inside. The label read 'Indifference'. Asuka stared at it for a moment, not knowing what to expect. She decided to pull out Shinji's small box of tapes and started looking through the labels. Amongst the tapes were labels such as, 'Fury', 'Despair', 'Tranquility, 'Joy', and 'JPop'. It seemed that Shinji had a different tape for each of his moods. Asuka decided that she would give them a listen later. She pressed the play button and laid back.  
  
A somber sounding guitar began playing, and a man's voice was heard.  
  
Sweet dreams are made of these.Who am I to disagree? Traveled the world and the seven seas. Everybody's looking for something. Some of them want to use you; some of them wanna get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused." ----------------------------  
  
Misato struggled to stay standing. They had failed.  
  
Part 2 - Never Again  
  
Maybe in another life  
  
I could find you there  
  
Pulled away before your time  
  
I can't deal it's so unfair  
  
And it feels  
  
And it feels like  
  
Heaven's so far away  
  
And it feels  
  
Yeah it feels like  
  
The world has grown cold  
  
Now that you've gone away  
  
Leaving flowers on your grave  
  
Show that I still care  
  
But black roses and Hail Mary's  
  
Can't bring back what's taken from me  
  
I reach to the sky  
  
And call out your name  
  
And if I could trade  
  
I would  
  
And it feels  
  
And it feels like  
  
Heaven's so far away  
  
And it stings  
  
Yeah it stings now  
  
The world is so cold  
  
Now that you've gone away  
  
- Offspring (Gone Away)  
  
Asuka awoke with a start. cold sweat clinging to her body. She had been having nightmares again. She had been for the past week. First it was the same nightmare she had been having for years. The door.and what lay beyond. Then it changed. That damn journal taunting her. Secrets kept from her drove her mad. It had been two weeks since she had last peered at its pages, three weeks since Shinji had been absorbed by 01. They had already tried to salvage him twice since then. Both attempts had failed.  
  
Misato wasn't in the best of moods, trying to keep Asuka in the house with her. It had been only four days since the last salvage operation. As such, Misato was more depressed than usual. She had been restocking the beer fridge every two days or so, instead of on a weekly basis. The chances that Shinji wouldn't return to them were getting greater and greater with each attempt. "We'll try one more time in ten days' time. If we fail then, Pilot Ikari will be considered 'KIA'" Ritsuko had said when the last attempt had failed. This hadn't done anything for Misato's current depression.  
  
Asuka was also somewhat down. Between the nightmares and Misato's horrid cooking, she was in a moderate hell. It had gotten so bad, that Asuka was trying her own hand at cooking. It was certainly better than Misato's attempts. However, Asuka found Pen-Pen's little 'run-away in mock terror and take cover' routine, rather annoying, if not completely disconcerting.  
  
After taking a quick shower and getting dressed, Asuka decided to make some breakfast. Misato was asleep, and Asuka currently preferred her that way. Looking through the fridge, Asuka decided that she'd try her hand at eggs today. She double-checked to make sure Misato was sleeping. She was. However, Pen-Pen was not.  
  
"For Gott's sake!" Asuka shouted at the bird, "Could you stop doing that!" The penguin was currently running (well, more like waddling quickly) away to what he presumed was safety. "It's not as if it's going to blow up or anything." Asuka said quietly in a some-what hurt tone as she poked at the eggs on the frying pan with a spatula. They looked alright to her. Deciding that she would add some more flavor to the, she scanned the spice rack for what she needed. "Paprika. Paprika. There we are!" she said as she picked up a small container containing the red powder. She quickly unscrewed the cap and attempted to pour a small amount onto the eggs. A loud "WARK!" made her up-end it though, dumping a large amount of paprika onto the eggs that were already well on their way to being burnt to a crisp. "Schiesse! Screw the eggs, I'm going to kill that infernal penguin then roast him!" Asuka shouted as she stalked off to find the bird.  
  
In her anger, she forgot that the eggs were still cooking. The smoke detector kindly reminded her. Asuka let out a yelp as she rushed back into the kitchen and scrambled to get the now completely blackened eggs off of the frying pan and onto her plate. She then swiftly disabled the smoke detector. She stared at the charred substance in front of her mournfully. She figured the only thing to do now was to just throw it out, try again, and no one would ever know. except for the penguin. and he could be dealt with. She was just about to put her plan into motion when Misato came stumbling into the kitchen wearing her morning apparel, which consisted of not very much. 'Damn it. Too late' Asuka thought to herself as she stared down the blackened heap on her plate, knowing she'd definitely have to eat it now.  
  
Misato lumbered off towards the beer fridge. She took out a single can and stared at it for a while. She opened it slowly and drank slowly. As she tossed the can away, a look of regret crept onto her face. She went back to the fridge for a few more beers. Asuka watched in silent amazement as Misato forced herself through another four beers. She had never seen Misato like this around beer.  
  
However, by the sixth beer, Misato let out a deafening, "WHOOOOO YEAH! That's how you start a morning!" Asuka sighed in relief; it had been a bit disconcerting to see her guardian so serious all the time after being exposed to happy-go-lucky Misato for so long. Then again, Misato had been drinking more heavily as of late.  
  
"So what's that you got there, Asuka? A lab assignment?" Misato asked, looking amused as she sat down to the table. "No, just something I made to .er. eat" Asuka said, hesitantly picking up a fork. She jabbed at her eggs for a second before finally spearing one of them. "Looks simply delicious" Misato teased as Asuka began to reluctantly eat the eggs, bite by paprika saturated bite. Misato watched as she swallowed slowly. "Well, look at the time, I'd hurry up if I were you, don't want to be late for school do you?" Misato chuckled between gulps. Asuka choked, and then spat out the piece of egg she had hastily swallowed, pegging Pen-Pen (whom had just poked his feathered head into the kitchen to see what the noise was about).He fell backwards with a weak squawk. "WHAT!? It's a Sunday! Why the hell is there school today?" Asuka shouted, "And don't give me that whole, Angel attack bullshit, I graduated from college, why the hell should I go?"  
  
"All right, then I won't then" Misato shrugged as she got up from the table and staggered off into the bowels of her apartment, leaving Asuka alone to curse at a numerous amount of deities.  
  
----------------------------  
  
In his quiet little home on the very outskirts of town, Sensei Yuusiga suddenly had a very, very bad feeling.  
  
"Maybe I should take a vacation." he pondered out loud before grabbing his phone.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Asuka cursed as she stomped off of the express train and towards school. So far it wasn't shaping out to be a good day. Her food tasted worse than Misato's, she had to go to school. If sensei Yuusiga rambled on about Second Impact one more time, she swore she'd shove those glasses of his somewhere unpleasant. The thought of that made her chuckle and for some strange reason, she wondered what Shinji would have said if he was there. Probably something along the lines of "Well no use complaining about it. We just have to go". He had always been so bloody complacent, so giving and so unusually kind (once you broke through his introverted shell). Things certainly had been different without him at school. Since Touji was still hospitalized, Shinji was off floating somewhere within Unit-01, the remaining stooge, Kensuke Aida was too easy of a prey for Asuka to even bother with anymore. However, today he might just provide some form of entertainment.  
  
A familiar shape not too far down the street caught Asuka's eye. It was her best friend, Hikari Horaki. Asuka smiled as she ran towards her, the smile turned slightly feral, when she realized that Hikari couldn't see her coming. "Hikari!" Asuka shouted as she tackled her friend. Hikari yelped as she caught herself, then realized it was just Asuka and calmed down a bit. "Don't do that" Hikari hissed, blushing slightly as a few boys began to stare curiously. Asuka just shrugged apologetically before the two resumed walking.  
  
"Gott this sucks, I'd really rather not be here" Asuka sighed as they entered the school. "You're telling me? You think I want to be here either!?" Hikari snapped. Asuka stared at her friend for a moment before Hikari spoke again. "I'm sorry. It's just that my older sister is in the hospital. car accident, we still don't know if she'll be fine", Hikari sighed as they entered the school. "What happened?" Asuka asked. "Last night, some psycho almost side-swiped my sister, she didn't get hit because she swerved, unfortunately she swerved right into the way of another car. She never saw it coming" Hikari replied sadly. Asuka didn't hear the rest of what Hikari had said, her brain was buzzing. She remembered that Misato had been more drunk than usual the previous night and had gone for some take-out. Could it have been Misato? Asuka shook her head. "Well, I hope she gets better soon" Asuka said quietly.  
  
As they entered the class room, they were met by a strangely pleasant (given their track record with surprises) surprise. Sensei Yuusiga was no where in sight. Instead was a tall man wearing a dark suit and a grim expression. He ran his fingers through his short brown hair and then proceeded to stare at the pair with his hazel eyes. Asuka had a bad feeling that this wouldn't be a typical day at school. She had already noticed the surprising lack of people in class. Aside from herself and Hikari there were maybe, eight others? Kensuke Aida, Keiko Fujii, Sato Arota, Shiunji Gato and a few other girls which Asuka had never taken the time to learn the names of.  
  
Asuka went to her usual seat near the back of the class. Hikari went through the Rise-Bow-Sit routine. Asuka sat back down and started up her school issued lap top.  
  
A miniature Shinji danced out onto the screen after it had finished booting. 'What the hell?' she thought to herself as it grew larger and larger. After a few seconds it had filled up most of the screen, and had suddenly become very, very naked to boot. 'Oh my.' Asuka thought to herself, blushing a bright red before regaining composure and moving the nude Third Child aside with her mouse pointer. Only it didn't move. She turned off the monitor. then turned it on again. The picture was still there. She looked around frantically for a moment before spotting the person she assumed was the perpetrator. The sandy-haired, bespectacled, war loving, perverted as hell, nerd and stooge extraordinaire, Kensuke Aida.  
  
Asuka quickly opened the instant chat program and found Kensuke's computer on the school network.  
  
Uberpilot02 Look you little pervert tell me how to get this filth out!  
  
/\r135 Eh? What the hell are you talking about, Demon?  
  
Uberpilot02 Look here, get this shit off my screen, or I'm going to bat you good!  
  
/\r135 I don't see anything out of the ordinary.  
  
Uberpilot02 OMG! I swear on my unit that I'm seriously going to hurt you if the image on my screen doesn't disappear in the next five seconds.  
  
/\r135 O_O;; I'm telling you, there's nothing there!  
  
Kensuke looked at the fuming redhead only a few desks away, his curiosity getting the better of him, as he craned over trying to see what the hell she was being so bitchy about.  
  
It was at that moment that the substitute teacher, Sensei Zakunachi. Walked past and took a look at Asuka's screen. It took all of Asuka's will power not to freak out completely and throttle Kensuke where he sat. As if that wasn't bad enough, the nude Shinji began dancing. 'Schiesse, Schiesse, Schiesse.' Asuka thought to herself as she blushed heavily, trying hard to focus on Mr. Zakunachi's face. "Ms. Sohryu. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't do this sort of thing while I'm teaching" he said sternly.  
  
"I swear it wasn't me! It got there, some pervert must have done it" Asuka blurted out. The substitute simply stared at her before responding to her statement. "Some pervert opened the messenger system and started chatting with /\r135?" Mr. Zakunachi asked with a raised eyebrow. "Yes" Asuka answered, trying to cover up the fact that she was confused as hell. Was this some sort of sick joke? Why was the naked Shinji doing the Macarena? He looked up, right in the middle of it, winked and popped off. "Ms. Sohryu. Are you listening to me?" Mr. Zakunachi asked patiently. "Er. Yes sir" Asuka said quickly. Mr. Zakunachi eyed her for a moment. "Ok then, don't let me catch you doing it again, understood, Ms. Sohryu?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, sir" Asuka answered, trying hard to sound sincere. She turned back to her screen and stared at it. She wondered if she was going insane. and decided to settle on the next best thing. Somehow, in saturating her eggs with paprika, she had managed to turn them into some sort of hallucinogen. Psychedelic eggs, a perfectly good explanation for what she had just seen. 'That's got to be the stupidest thing you've come up with in years', a small voice laughed at her from within her mind.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Back in her lair, Misato lay in bed. She didn't have to head to work until later that evening; she had night duty for the next few days. She dreaded the night shifts. It was usually only the skeleton crew that was in HQ. Meaning that it was just her, the three bridge bunnies, Ritsuko and from time to time, Sub-Commander Fuyutski. Not only that, but the Angels had (thus far) rarely attacked during the night, Misato prayed that they wouldn't start doing so again. She hated the idea of night fighting against Angels. Not that it hadn't been done before. The operations taken against the fifth Angel had been successful, of course. But the Angel had stayed stationary and two Evangelions were deployed in a concerted effort to defeat it. With Commander Ikari's new (and to her mind, foolish), one-on- one tactics, things might not work as well as they had in the past, especially since the Angels were getting stronger and stronger as the number of them grew smaller and smaller.  
  
'No use worrying about it now' Misato sighed mentally as she closed her eyes. she'd need the sleep.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Asuka had to restrain herself from laughing out loud when the final bell rang. Free at last she made her way to the exit as fast as she could. She got halfway to the door before Mr. Zakunachi stopped her. "Ah Ms. Sohryu, leaving so soon? In case you've forgotten, you and Ms. Ayanami have clean-up duty today" the tall man said curtly as he pointed to the storage closet at the front of the class. "No sir, of course I haven't forgotten" Asuka said, coming off a little more sarcastic than she had intended. The substitute noticed. "Look little girl, I honestly don't care if everyone else bows down to you just because you're a pilot. I don't intend on doing so, what I do intend on doing is making sure you give me the respect you would give your normal sensei were he still here" he said sharply. After noticing a slight look of confusion on her face he added, "In case you were wondering, I'm going to be here for the next month or so whilst Mr. Yuusiga is on vacation.. Goodbye Ms Sohryu" He then turned and walked out.  
  
Asuka had a feeling that the next few weeks would be rather horrid. Hell, today had been bad enough, now she had to clean the class by herself? "I believe that we should begin" Rei's voice stated calmly. Asuka span around, and came face to face with the blue-haired girl. Hiding her surprise Asuka started doing what she usually did. She started giving orders. "All right wondergal, let's start then, now grab a broom and get to it. And no questions!" Asuka said firmly as she grabbed a broom herself. She wanted no repetition of the conversation they had, had a few weeks ago. She wondered how it had been that she hadn't noticed Rei in class. The ghost of the nude, dancing Shinji floated past in her mind. Asuka shook her head, clearing her mind of that disturbingly enticing image and started sweeping.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Misato tossed and turned in her bed, whimpering slightly. Nightmares, like a plague had been ravaging her for months now. Even with the nearing end of the Angels and the completion of her revenge, she still had them. Tonight's one was an old one.  
  
She was inside the capsule again. She was floating above a glowing sea of green, a massive whirlwind raging around her. The broken bodies of her father and his fellow scientists littered the melting ice around the safety capsule she lay in. A horrible wailing permeated into the airtight compartment. A mile or so away from her, a pillar of light had burst forth from the irradiated waters. Now wings. horrible skeletal, blood red wings unfurled slowly from the depths of it. A giant being of light stepped out. It turned its attention towards Misato. It reached its hand out, intent on crushing the pitiful creatures before it. The wailing increased in intensity until she was certain she would go deaf. A brief but brilliant of flash followed suit. Then all was silent. All was dark.  
  
Misato awoke with a start, covered in cold sweat. "Daddy." she whispered to the darkness.  
  
----------------------------  
  
As she mopped her half of the classroom, Rei watched Asuka intently out of the corner of her eye. The redhead was mopping her portion of the floors as fast as she could; doing a horribly sloppy job as a result. Rei wondered why the German girl was in such a rush. She continued to mop, taking the time to do the job right, yet not taking so much time that it would be inefficient. She had been ordered to clean the classroom, and she intended on doing the job to the best of her abilities. 'I wonder how Ikari would do this.' She pondered, memories of the young man rushing into her head. She remembered how he had cleaned her apartment, how he had been thus far, the only person to show a genuine care for her.  
  
Asuka was watching Rei in turn. 'Damn it! Could she do this any slower?' Asuka grumbled to herself as she checked her watch. 3:45. They had been there for half an hour. Asuka, as far as she was concerned, was finished. "Screw this, I'm going home" she said out loud as she tossed her mop aside and made for the exit. Or at least tried to. Something seemed to have been holding her back. Perhaps it was her conscience. Maybe it was her sense of pride. As it turned out, it was a certain blue-haired Albino acting on behalf of the former. "You are about to enact a dereliction of duty, I must ask you to stop" Rei said, without any emotion. Asuka laughed out loud.  
  
"What makes you think I'm going to listen to you, or better yet, what makes you think you can stop me?" Asuka sneered. Rei simply stood there, looking passive. "I have been trained in numerous defensive arts, it would not be wise to try to strike me," Rei answered, her voice terse. Asuka flinched inwardly. Was she that predictable? Or was Rei somehow capable of reading minds?  
  
"Fine." Asuka grinned as she clenched and unclenched a fist. "I won't try to strike you." she said quickly as she grabbed her bag and bolted before Rei could respond, leaving a somewhat surprised blue head behind.  
  
As Rei stood there, she considered informing Mr. Zakunachi of her fellow pilot's desertion. A memory of a smiling Shinji chose that moment to surface. Rei re-considered. "I do not believe Ikari would do so." Rei said, frowning inwardly before resuming her cleaning.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Asuka got up as the train reached her stop. She sighed as she stepped out. She knew that Rei had probably informed Mr. Zakunachi of her desertion. After all, Rei was the perfect little soldier. Took any order, never disobeyed them, and did everything strictly by the book. She supposed she'd get chewed out by the severe substitute and Misato, come Monday morning. She didn't care, what could they do to her? She was a pilot! Essential to Humanity's survival! THEY COULDN'T TOUCH HER! After all, Shinji the Invincible was gone, if the next salvage didn't work, they'd be down one pilot. Asuka laughed, drunk on her sense of godhood.  
  
However deep down she knew that it was all a lie. She was replaceable. Her entire class was composed of level 4 candidates for piloting. She had learned that when she had visited Kaji in his office once. An official document had been lying on the ground and she had picked it up. She barely had, had time to read it before Kaji had snatched it away. She was replaceable and well on her way to being replaced. She had been absolutely useless against the last three Angels. If she didn't kill the next one, or suffered a defeat again. She'd be replaced, and quickly. Her entire life until this point would be for nothing. Piloting was all that she had left, all she had ever had. If that were to be taken away...  
  
She didn't have to think about it, mostly in part because those thoughts were buried deep within her mind. So deep that she rarely brought them to light... They skirted too close to dark memories she had buried only slightly deeper than the thoughts of the consequences of repeated failure.  
  
"I'm home!" Asuka called out as she entered the apartment. No one answered. 'Must be asleep, or too drunk to answer' Asuka thought to herself as she slipped off her shoes and headed off to the kitchen to fix herself a snack. On the kitchen table was a note with a wad of cash laying on it.  
  
'Here's some money, go order yourself something to eat, don't bother waking me up unless it's an emergency, ok?  
  
Misato  
  
P.S - When I say, don't wake me up unless it's an emergency, I mean it'  
  
Asuka grinned as she read the note. At least there wouldn't be a repeat of the morning's fiasco. She picked up the phone and dialed the number for a small Chinese place she knew of. She placed an order for some Cantonese and gave the address.  
  
"All right, Cantonese for four? No chicken balls, extra egg rolls?" Ok. Don't forget, 40 minutes or it's free!" the small Chinese man on the other end said cheerfully. Asuka, certain that her food was on the way, said goodbye and hung up. She headed off to her room, she stopped at Shinji's door. 'Come on Asuka. come on in and read me' a small voice called out to her. She had been hearing it a lot since the last salvage attempt. Now with the final attempt coming up, Asuka's curiosity had reached its peak. After all, if Shinji came back this time, she'd never have another chance to learn what he truly thought of her. However, if he didn't come back. if she read something that would change her perspective on him forever. Some sort of confession. what then?  
  
Something snapped. she didn't care anymore, she moved on impulse now. She had to know. She slid open the door, picked up Shinji's journal from its resting place on the floor by the bed and walked over to her room. She made sure to close the door behind her. Misato treated Shinji's room like a holy shrine. She didn't let anyone disturb it. So far, Misato was failing miserably in her self-imposed duty. Asuka chuckled mentally. She sat down on her bed and began reading where she had left off two weeks ago.  
  
'Thoughts on Asuka Sohryu  
  
I suppose I've saved her for last, because she's the one I've thought of most, once I got out of the brig  
  
From the day I met her on the 'Over the Rainbow' I began to admire her. How couldn't I? She's strong, beautiful, smart. Everyone can't help but notice her. She's like a bright flame. She's also everything I'm not. Or so I thought at first. On the last night of our synchronization training, when she fell asleep beside me, when she shed that single tear, when she whispered "Mama" sadly. That was I found out she's more like me than either of us would like to admit.  
  
I don't think I truly understand the meaning of the word love, or love itself (or that anyone does for that matter) but since that night, I think I've grown to care for, if not love, her.  
  
That's why, maybe, just maybe, it's better for both of us that I'm leaving. Asuka clearly hates me, and that hurts more than anything the Angels or anyone else could do to me. It's been so damn hard living with her, taking all the beatings both mental and physical, and the teasing, especially when I feel the way I do. Some days it just got so bad that I wished I didn't feel this, so that I could strike back without guilt, without remorse. For example, take all the times she's called me a perv. It didn't just hurt, but it angered me too. I've never really thought of anyone the way she's suggested. I don't even dream of her. Well not in the way she thinks anyways.  
  
It's just this one dream I rarely have anymore, the one where Asuka is laying in my arms. We watch the sun set from underneath a large oak tree, near a beautiful lake. It made me feel complete, it made me happy. I helped drive away the nightmares for a while. Then I remembered that it was only a dream, nothing more. I'd give my life for her gladly, if only to get close to that dream. Hell, I've even disobeyed a direct order for her. She probably still thinks that Misato ordered me to go in after her, the day she fought the Angel in the volcano. I suppose it doesn't rally matter anymore though, right?  
  
Asuka, I'll miss you more than anyone else here. I truly hope that if we ever meet again, I'll have changed enough for you to give me a chance.'  
  
Asuka re-read the last page two more times; just to be sure she wasn't seeing things. The shock, once she accepted the fact that she wasn't, set in immediately. "It's not true, it's a lie. It's not true. It can't be true" she repeated to herself, as if it would make the words written on those last two pages, or her knowledge of them go away. It didn't. Asuka had figured that Shinji, like most other guys, was just some pervert who wanted to get her into the sack. No. that was a lie. She had always thought of him as the best one out of all the boys at school. But therein lay the problem, he was just a boy, not a real man like Kaji. Now her whole sense of things was screwed up. She was so damn confused. She walked back into Shinji's room, and placed the small book back into the box she had taken it out of so long ago.  
  
As she slumped down beside Shinji's bed, she immediately regretted ever setting foot into his room in the first place. She had learned much over the past few weeks from his journals, yes, but perhaps she had learned too much.  
  
"He loves me." she finally whispered as the past few months with him started making more sense. All those furtive glances when he thought she wasn't looking, the way he was always so kind, even when she was being a total bitch to him. The fact that he had saved her life back at the volcano.  
  
Now, more than ever she prayed that Shinji would be brought back home this time.. If only to sort things out. Just then the doorbell rang. Asuka got up and walked to the front door. 'This meal's for you. Shinji' she thought to herself as she opened the door. 


	4. Apparitions

Chapter 3 - Apparitions  
Part 1 - Darkness Overpowering  
  
"Stop  
  
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground  
  
Try this trick and spin it, yeah  
  
Your head will collapse  
  
But there's nothing in it  
  
And you'll ask yourself  
  
Where is my mind.. Where is my mind.? Where is my mind.?  
  
Way out in the water  
  
See it swimmin'  
  
I was swimmin' in the Caribbean  
  
Animals were hiding behind the rock  
  
Except the little fish  
  
But they told me, he swears  
  
Tryin' to talk to me koi koy  
  
Where is my mind.? Where is my mind.? Where is my mind.?"  
  
- The Pixies (Where is my mind?)  
  
Shinji's eyes jerked open as he came back into consciousness. or so he thought. Instead of the familiar ceiling of the hospital room (where he assumed he was) he usually ended up in after most operations, there was a hazy. haze. 'Where the hell am I?' he wondered as he looked around. All of it was haze.  
  
Suddenly his own voice assailed his ears from every possible direction.  
  
"I am in Hell" "I am Hell" "Hell is not where I am" "I am not here" "Am I here?" "Who am I?" "Am I me?" "I am me"  
  
Countless words were shouted at him, by him. all hitting him at the same time. It would be more than enough to drive a completely sane person over the edge into complete madness. Shinji was already mildly insane (anyone willing to pilot a massive bio-weapon and put themselves in death's way repeatedly could be considered as such), yet he remained seemingly unaffected by the barrage. He simply shrugged, then closed his eyes again. "Just a dream. nothing more." he whispered to himself before re-opening his eyes.  
  
As everything went into focus he saw that he was somewhere different. No longer was in a blurry haze, but somewhere definite. And yet he wasn't. He was on a train car, he recognized it as the one he was always riding in most of his dreams. As usual it was bathed in an orange light that made everything seem distorted. casting shadows everywhere. He seemed to be alone at the moment. The only sound was the clang-clang-clang, of the train's wheels as they rushed over the land. The absence of all other sounds was so overwhelming, that even this normally loud and overpowering sound became muted. "Why am I here again?" Shinji asked out loud, wondering why he was stuck where he was, like the train, repeating the same thing over and over again. Stuck in a loop.  
  
"You are here because you broke your promise to yourself. You are here because you piloted again, even though you said you would not do so again" Rei's voice stated clearly. Shinji looked up from where he was sitting. Rei was beside him. He stared at her for a moment before realizing it wasn't her. It was just a soulless copy. A doll. He didn't know how he could tell, but something inside of him warned him that this wasn't really Rei Ayanami he was looking at.  
  
The doll spoke again, "We are curious to know, why you did so." it asked, tilting its head slight. Shinji sighed, weighing his words carefully before replying. "Because I couldn't afford to let everyone down again." he said to the doll beside him. "I see. Is that the only reason that you pilot?" it asked in response.  
  
Shinji stared at the thing in the form of Rei and found the way that it had switched between using "I" and "We" when it spoke, strange, if not extremely curious. He hesitated before answering. "No. I pilot because without it I'm nothing. so I fight. I fight because they say to" he replied simply.  
  
"Who is it that you fight?" the copy asked.  
  
Shinji's own voice shouted at him, echoing throughout the car. "Enemy!" "Enemy!" "Enemy!" it screamed at him. Images flashed by in Shinji's mind. The defeated Angels strolled through his head, one by one. The last image was that of his father walking away. "Yes. I fight those they call enemy" Shinji said sternly.  
  
"Why do you not question them.? Why do you not choose to make your own decisions? Are you afraid?" The doll asked, seemingly mocking him.  
  
Shinji decided to give it the most sarcastic answer he could. "I don't question because I'm a good little soldier, I do my best, I follow orders, I pilot. People care about me when I pilot, so I continue to do so." Shinji said snidely. Before he realized what he was saying was true. "If I stop piloting, no one will be nice to me. no one will care." Shinji ended; a tone of sadness was in his voice. Familiar voices rang out.  
  
Misato.  
  
"I just wanted to tell you, that you did a very noble thing today Shinji. I'm proud of you."  
  
Kaji.  
  
"Nicely done Shinji."  
  
His classmates and friends.  
  
"Look there's Ikari! There's our hero!" "Hey Shinji, That last battle totally rocked!"  
  
Father.  
  
"Good job, Shinji."  
  
"You are simply regurgitating the same memories over and over again. we wonder why you choose to delude yourself in this manner" The Rei-Doll asked. Shinji sank into his seat. "It's how humans survive. It's the only way I can survive, day by bloody day. It's all I have" Shinji protested weakly before images and voices flooded his mind again.  
  
"You Idiot!" "Nice going, dumbass!" "I do not know you well; I wish it to remain so" "Perverted stooge, look what you've done now!" "Hmmm, seems I was wrong about you, what a waste of time" "You disappoint me"  
  
Over and over they played in his head, like a broken jack in the box. leering at him, refusing to be silenced, and refusing to go back into its dark place.  
  
"I'm doing my best. Care about me. I'm doing my best, be nice to me!" Shinji said, repeating this mantra. His voice gained intensity and ferocity with each repetition of it. He screamed til he was hoarse. The voices suddenly stopped. The copy at his side faded out of view. The train car was empty again. Silent, except for the sound of his breathing. and of the train's movement. He started laughing.  
  
"I've done it again. I've driven them all away. Alone. Always alone." Shinji chuckled, feeling his sanity slip away. bit by bit. He slowly sank to the floor.  
  
And so he lay there, laughing like a madman. Hours passed and he remained where he was, still laughing. His mind was a total blank. No thoughts uselessly cluttered it, no images swarmed him. There was nothing. Nothing, save his insane cackling.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji groaned slightly as he opened his eyes again. His throat hurt and he couldn't remember why. As he blinked, he noticed his surroundings had changed once more. No longer was he stuck in the endless loop of the train ride, but in a vast meadow. mountains surrounding him from every side. The air seemed charged with something. something he couldn't quite describe. He felt warm. happy. He felt a presence near him.  
  
He looked up from where he lay, feeling a heavy weight forcing itself onto him. He gasped as he saw what it was. Misato loomed over him, her naked body and purple hair glistening in the soft sunlight.  
  
"Hey Shinji, Want to be with me? I promise I'll be gentle. It won't hurt at all" she whispered to him, smiling serenely as she leaned backwards to give him a better view.  
  
Shinji's mind couldn't comprehend why this was happening. His head fell back to the soft grass, his eyes wide open. He as if a portion of himself was being yanked away. The sensation stopped and he jolted himself back into the moment. He could already feel that Misato was gone. He was thankful for that; he didn't think that he would be able to sufficiently resist the temptation she had offered. It felt wrong, seeing her in that light. to think of her in that way. He felt dirty.  
  
He took a deep breath as he felt another straddle him. Someone lighter. He closed his eyes and brought his hands up to where he assumed her face was. Made contact with it. Smiled as he felt who she was. His eyes remained closed as he let his hands drop slowly from her face. He didn't want to open his eyes, didn't want to risk doing something stupid.  
  
"Rei." He said softly as he opened his eyes briefly. For an instant, dark blue met red. Then all went dark as Shinji imposed blindness upon himself once more.  
  
"Greetings Ikari. Do you wish to become with one with me? One mind, body and soul? It feels so wonderful. Do you not wish to feel so?" she offered as she lay down on him. Shinji wrapped his arms around her without thinking. Felt her warmth. Wanted so badly to take what she was offering. Finally he got back into control. He whispered in her ear. "I won't lie. I do want to feel that way. But I can't do that to you Rei. It wouldn't be right." He gave (what he was sure was) the copy a light squeeze. His eyes flew open in shock as he felt her body give way. All that was left was a pile of dust. Shinji got up slowly, watched as the dust was blown away by a sudden gust of wind. He apologized to the spot where he had been laying a few moments ago. "Farewell Ayanami. Misato." he said sadly before he turned and began walking. He didn't know where he was, or where he was walking to. He acted as if it was all a dream and was simply waiting to wake up. Only, he wasn't too sure that it was just a dream. It all seemed too surreal to be reality for him, yet there was still a lingering doubt in the back of his mind. Again, the increasingly familiar sensation of someone's presence nearby flowed throughout him. He barely had time to turn, let alone react, before he was knocked back down to the ground. He held his breath as he stared at the girl straddling him. 'This isn't real. It's not real.' he thought to himself.  
  
"Hey idiot, wanna have sex with me? It feels great! Come on, I won't bite you. Well, unless you bite" Asuka laughed as she tossed her fiery hair. Shinji simply lay there, paralyzed. He stared, his mouth wide open in amazement as he took in every inch of her. Afraid to move, let alone breathe for fear of ruining the illusion. He knew it wasn't real, but was it so wrong to just pretend that it was?  
  
"Well?" Asuka asked Shinji, a playful grin on her face as she hugged him. Shinji exhaled. Dark met light. Two seemingly endless seas of blue stared out at each other. A few inches of air separating them.  
  
Then Shinji saw past them. Caught a glimpse of the multi-faced, yet faceless horror hiding behind them. Just waiting for him to let down his guard. Waiting to devour what remained of his soul. He now knew what that yanking feeling had been. It had already partaken of his soul. Now it wanted the rest of him.  
  
With all of his strength, he shoved the imposter off of him. He made sure not to stop and watch its reaction, lest he forget for even a moment that it wasn't really Asuka. He knew that if he ever forgot that, even if it were for a second or so, he was leaving himself wide open for attack. He ran as fast as he could all the while repeating a slightly modified version of his mantra "Must run away, Must run away" he repeated over and over again as he bolted towards the mountains.  
  
"I am rather disappointed in you. Shinji" a chilling voice laughed from somewhere far behind him. Shinji immediately recognized the voice and ran that much faster because of it. He couldn't stop now. The Devil himself was after him.  
  
And then Shinji became aware of his mind. The sheer absurdity of it all had gotten to his head and he felt a sudden rush of rage, mixed with contemplation. He ran with mixed emotions. Sorrow trailed behind him with every footfall he made, remembering a bloody past. He took all those memories . tore them to pieces. Then he paused for a moment to catch his breath. looked up. Guilt flowed through him and his mind. He took a glance behind him.. Nothing to remember. not anymore.  
  
Then as soon as the thoughts came, they left. He felt himself begin running. stumbled as he found that the memories. the thoughts he had just experienced were not his own. Yet they felt familiar. As if they belonged to one such as him.  
  
Without his noticing it, his surroundings had changed yet again. He was back on the train ride of introspection. He grew angry. He wanted out and he wanted it right then and there.  
  
"Why am I here again? Why are you hunting me!?" he shouted getting up from seat he had found himself in. "ANSWER ME!" he demanded, clenching and unclenching his fists. Nothing answered him. Nothing changes. There was nothing save him and the car he was in. Even the usual clang-clang-clang, he was so used to hearing when he was in his dreams was there. The only sound was of his voice. And even his shouts became must. to the point that they sounded more like whispers. After trying to make himself heard, for a good hour, he finally gave up. Letting weariness overcome him, he crumpled as he hit the floor.  
  
Faint sobs filled the space he occupied...  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji awoke to an acute pain in his chest. It felt as if something or rather someone was trying to rip his heart, amongst other things, out through it. Shinji started laughing. He laughed because then he wouldn't have to scream.  
  
As the pain got worse, Shinji's plan backfired as his laughter became hideous screaming. He clutched at his chest frantically, doubling over from the pain. "Can't run away" Shinji said weakly as he felt the pain become more intense. It almost surpassed any pain he had ever felt during his time as a pilot. He decided to try focusing on something different. Thoughts of piloting seemed to increase the pain. He called on happy memories. found out that he seemed to have none.  
  
One memory managed to free itself from its prison in the dark.  
  
"Hey Shinji. Have you ever kissed a girl?" Asuka's voice asked him clearly as the memory began playing in his mind. Shinji smiled weakly as he watched it. He could feel her lips locked with his own. Could taste her. He concentrated on the experience. and felt none of the negatives of it. The breathlessness he experienced now he attributed to the way he felt, not from Asuka cutting off his air supply. Then as quickly as the pain had gripped him, it lessened. Shinji fell to the floor, gasping for air. All went blue as he fell past it. He felt cold and wet all over. Then realized why.  
  
Water. Lots of it. Shinji panicked immediately when he saw that he was surrounded by it. He couldn't swim. He flailed frantically, but to no avail as he sunk into the dark depths below. To Shinji this was where Angel's feared to tread. This was where things, without a doubt, more horrible than Angels lay in wait. Shinji continued to try and propel himself upwards. Failed again.  
  
He became hysterical as his lungs began burning. Screaming for the air they needed. Shinji flailed around even more frantically, reaching out to the bright light of the surface. that was so close yet so far away.  
  
Further and further he sank below. A strange sense of serenity filled him. 'Maybe it's because I've accepted the inevitable?' Shinji thought to himself, still falling slowly to what he presumed was his death. He laughed mentally. In this horrible, surreal place he would find his solace. It would do for him, what he had never had the courage to do. After all, he had nothing left. He had piloted Eva and now he was in this strange place. For all he knew there was nothing to go back to. Or worse yet, this horrible place and all the things in it were a result of his failure to defeat the last Angel.  
  
He closed his eyes, feeling tendrils envelop and pierce his being. let the cold depths embrace him. Then something within shifted. He heard a heartbeat, and knew it was not his. Felt his clothing, his shell, melt away. Felt someone nearby. and felt safe as a pair of arms embraced him.  
  
He closed his eyes as a voice from his youth softly sang to him, cradling his tortured mind. As the soft lullaby filled his mind, he stopped sinking. He lay suspended between light and dark. A bubble of happiness surrounding him, and a single thread holding him there. The thread stretched. Held  
  
In the space between, Shinji slept without worry.  
  
----------------------------  
  
When Shinji awoke, he no longer felt cold, or wet. He could tell by the fact that he was able to breathe properly, that he was no longer in the water. He got up, saw that he was in the valley again. Smiled as he felt the warmth of the sunlight on his naked body. "Wait a second. Naked body?" Shinji said as he looked down at himself.  
  
Suddenly he laughed out loud. Just for the sheer absurdity of it all. Thus far he had been chased by demons, straddled by copies of three women that he knew and cared for, had been tossed around like a rag doll from location to location, been forced through bouts of contemplation and introspection, and now stood naked in a valley underneath a sky with a single cloud in it. A cloud that looked a lot like Asuka's face. And which happened to be growing larger and larger by the second. Shinji made an effort to hide his nakedness, for a moment, before reminding himself that it was just a cloud. And even if it wasn't a cloud, then it was probably another effect of this place, designed to try and break him, or do God knew what.  
  
The cloud began to turn red in some areas. it looked like it was blushing. Shinji's eyes widened as he realized it. He then smiled as an incredibly strange compulsion popped into his head. He felt like dancing. Even underneath the watchful eye of the Asuka cloud, even though he was naked, Shinji felt like dancing more than anything else. So he did. The cloud became redder and redder as Shinji moved faster and faster. Finally the cloud burst apart. Showering him with a spray of something blue. something that smelt vaguely like. cookies. As the blue stuff dried off, Shinji no longer felt the warmth of the sun on his body. Instead he felt the tight slickness of his plug suit. A sudden feeling of dread filled him as he waited for something to happen, anything to happen. He wasn't disappointed. He felt a slight tugging within his chest. "Damn it." Shinji muttered, knowing exactly what was about to happen. His eyes went wide as he resisted the urge to scream. The pain hit him hard and fast. Shinji fell to his knees, and saw that his chest was contorting.  
  
The pain seemed much worse this time, more visceral. It also seemed to be coming from the core of his being, spreading outwards like ripples in a pond. Shinji lifted his head slowly to the sky above. Kept his teeth grit, trying hard to suppress the scream that was about to escape him.  
  
Pointing a vengeful finger skyward, he let it loose. "WHY?!" he screamed. "What have I done to deserve this? I've done the best I can! Why are you doing this to me!?" he screeched. The pain increased as if to try and answer him. Shinji sank to the ground as he blacked out from the pain. Sweet nothingness took him for the sixth time during his stay.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji opened his eyes again as he came back into the land of consciousness. He was beginning to find the feeling of doing so, annoying. The constant change of scenery didn't help much. nor did the fact that a combination of excruciating pain that came and went, and random happenings, were leaving him teetering on the brink of permanent insanity too often for his liking.  
  
As he got up, he noticed three things. One, he was still in his plug suit. Two, he seemed to be in a hospital room. Three, he felt weakened, and strangely vulnerable. He didn't like it.  
  
He immediately looked up at the ceiling, to see if he was where he thought he was. "Unfamiliar ceiling." he whispered, staring at it. He wasn't back at NERV, or if he was, then they had done some major renovating. For one thing he didn't remember the ceilings having strange symbols on them. Large strange swimming symbols. Shinji shook his head and decided to go and have a look about, to see where he was. As he reached for the door handle he wondered what to do if he wasn't at NERV. 'I suppose I'll just deal with that problem once or if I run into it', Shinji mused as he opened the door.  
  
He froze as soon as he got into the hallway. A passing by nurse gave him a concerned look. Or so he hoped. His mind noted the nurse wasn't human, but somehow couldn't see the nurse too clearly. "Excuse me, but what are you doing out and about? Has anyone cleared you yet, pilot?" the nurse asked. Shinji just stood there, staring at the nurse, his left eye twitching like there was no tomorrow. 'Well, takes take care of the question of 'Where am I?' a voice in his head shrugged before trying to snap him out of his funk. 'Hey kid! It's staring at us! DO SOMETHING!' the voice shouted at him. "Er. Pilot? Are you still with me?" the nurse asked waving an armored hand in front of his face. Shinji blinked a few times, staring into her eyes. All six of em. Six bright red orbs, much like the single one that Rei's Unit-00 had, jutting out from a peaked gray armor plate. The rest of the head was covered in a white helmet like encasing.  
  
"Hello?" The nurse asked again, tilting her head towards him. A part of his mind found this curious as the nurse had no mouth to speak with, only an armor encased chin-like structure that protruded from its multi-eyed face.  
  
A second after that thought popped up, it hit Shinji. He was talking to an Evangelion, or so it seemed. 'Just when I thought this place couldn't possibly get more messed up. This happens.' Shinji smirked inwardly as he watched the Nurse-EVA walk away, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration. As she stomped off, Shinji could hear her mutter "Pilots. Crazy bastards" Mentally kicking himself, Shinji began to wonder anew if he might just be at NERV after all, and was just on a major overdose of something. It was a rather plausible theory, the doctors had been (slowly but surely) increasing his dosage of pain killers with each visit. Or he could still be in, well, wherever the hell he was in. He blinked as he studied the hallways surrounding him. everything was so familiar, yet not. He couldn't tell what it was or why, but there was something that wasn't right about this place, aside from the man-sized Evangelions in clothing roaming about. He decided to pass it off though as his own paranoia. Instead he turned his attention towards the numerous Evangelions around him. The sheer number of different head variants made him dizzy. Also, some had shoulder sponsons, and some didn't. None of them paid him any mind though.  
  
'Time to find out I'm just on an OD, or if I'm still in Hell' Shinji said trying to think of where to go to find that out. As he watched the Evas walk past it came to him. "Just head for the cages. everything will be fine. We'll know everything once we get there' he told himself as he headed for the Docking Bays.  
  
----------------------------  
  
After an hour of walking through NERV HQ, Shinji finally found himself in a corridor leading to the cage where his unit was. He looked down it cautiously. The reason he had been taking so long to find a hallway was because every time he got close to his Unit, a shadowy figure would appear at the end of the hall, blocking it off. Not wanting to risk a confrontation, Shinji had decided to just find another corridor. "Speak of the devil." Shinji muttered as the dark figure appeared at the end of the hallway. He had gotten tired of it always blocking him off. He grit his teeth and decided to stand his ground, so to speak. A quick repetition of his mantra (I mustn't run away) and he felt ready enough to do something stupid, like, oh let's say, charge down the shadowy figure blocking the end of the hall.  
  
The idea that the figure was most likely an Evangelion of some sort and therefore stronger than Shinji could ever hope to be, the fact that the figure was taller than him, and had the distinct shoulder sponsons of an Evangelion. occurred to him. Not that he paid them any mind as he rushed headlong towards certain injury, if not death. An old song played through his head as he got closer and closer.  
  
'Like an angel that has no sense of mercy...Rise, young boy, to the heavens like a legend...' his mind sang as the distance became lesser, and lesser. His feet left the ground as he tackled the figure. He made impact...hard. He fell to the ground with a loud thud. The world spun around him as he ruefully rubbed his head. "So much for embracing the universe." he muttered under his breath before getting up to face his rather hard opponent. As it came into focus, Shinji's eyes widened in fear. The color was different but Shinji could recognize that metal jaw. that single horn that stuck out of forehead. the blazing yellow eyes, narrow like a cats. His opponent was none other than a black Unit-01. wearing the Commander's uniform to boot.  
  
Terror flowed through him as he stared back into the beast's unreadable eyes. The black demon in his father's clothing simply returned the stare. cold eyes piercing him.  
  
"Where do you think you're going, Third Child?" it asked, a hidden threat of steel lining its voice. Shinji, despite his fear was feeling strangely bold. "If you would stop cutting me off, to the cages. I want to check Unit- 01" he replied as he clenched and unclenched his fist. He knew that he was no match for the Evangelion if it tried to stop it, and assumed that his assailant knew this too.  
  
"I cannot allow you to do so, the schedule must not be interrupted or deviated from", the Commander EVA said coldly, falling into a battle stance. Shinji flinched inwardly, being a pilot and having watched footage of his Evangelion in action he knew that here was not the place to be. 'If only I could get to 01. The real 01.' he thought to himself as he tried to find an opening.  
  
He found his opening in between the two black pillars that were this demon's legs. Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes and went for it. With speed he never knew he had possessed, he slid in between the black Evangelion's legs and to freedom. He opened his eyes as soon as he cleared those terrible legs, got up and sprinted towards the entrance to the Cage. "Must run away. Must run faster!" he repeated frantically, trying his damn hardest not to look back. Given what was on his heels, he had no such problem with stopping.  
  
The corridor seemed to stretch out into eternity. but Shinji kept running. His legs ached, but he kept running. He was rewarded, the corridor ended a few seconds later and he stumbled into the docking bay. Without even pausing to catch his breath Shinji stepped out onto the umbilical bridge that would take him to his Evangelion. He felt it move. and feeling that it was safe to do so, he collapsed onto the metal beneath him. Gasping for air he barely noticed his Unit when he reached it. However after his lungs felt that they had sufficient air, he noticed it and his jaw dropped. 'Well. I really should have seen this one coming' he thought to himself as he stared at the massive figure before him.  
  
She was familiar, maybe it was because she was rather similar to Rei. Only with brown hair instead of blue. wearing a purple and green, primitive looking plugsuit. After a few moments an old memory flashed by briefly. Someone who cared for him.  
  
"Mother?" he whispered, falling to his knees. 'If mother's here. Am I dead?' Shinji thought, confused enough by the recent turn of events that things were starting to make sense. However, below the surface of his now tranquil mind laid a horde of questions ready to burst forth. Even then some were leaking through. Was he dead? Was he in hell? Or worse yet, some sort of twisted heaven? After all, he had been told all of his life that his mother had died in some sort of accident when he was only five. He couldn't remember what the accident had been though, all he remembered was that he was there. He had never asked his father, mostly because of his fear of him, and recently because he really didn't want to hear his lies.  
  
It didn't matter anyways. He was with his mother. Somehow he could tell that she was the real Yui Ikari, even in her surreal state. "Mother."he whispered again, moving closer to her. He could feel that his assailant was gone, banished back into the shadows from whence it came. Yui's eyes remained closed even as he approached her. Her face was serene.  
  
"She doesn't even know I'm here. Does she?" Shinji asked himself out loud as memories of his abandonment at the hands of his father came rushing in. Suddenly a clear voice swept them aside. "Shinji?" it asked, surprised by his presence. "SHINJI!" she shouted, overjoyed. Her eyes shot open and immediately came to rest on him. "Mom?" Shinji asked rhetorically, feeling (for the first time in a long time.) happy. He hated to break the mood but he needed answers.  
  
"Mom, where are we?" he asked, hoping she wouldn't say "The After Life". "We're inside Evangelion Unit-01" she answered simply. Shinji sighed in relief. "Wait. What do you mean, inside Unit-01? Am I still in the plug and just hallucinating?" he asked again, feeling rather confused.  
  
"No. Let me explain, you're currently floating about somewhere within EVA's core. Your body lost coherence and is gone, where to, I don't know" Yui answered slowly. Shinji's eyes widened. If his body was gone, how was he supposed to get back out? His mind immediately began formulating a million different outcomes. All of them were fatal. He panicked and ironically the one thought that should've calmed him down served to agitate him further. His mother had somehow survived for ten years inside this beast. How long until she was gone and he was alone? How long til he too, faded away into the nether? As these thoughts grew more pronounced, despair began to set in.  
  
Feeling her son's dismay, Yui began to panic slightly herself. It took her a few moments to regain control. 'Humanity. It's been too long.' she mused before trying to calm down an increasingly neurotic Shinji. "Don't worry. They'll find a way to bring you back" she said soothingly. 'It'll work this time. It has to!' she thought to herself as she stared down at her son. Raising a massive arm, she lowered it gently beside him.  
  
Shinji looked up at the massive form of his mother. A part of him was recording the moment. A happy memory to call upon when in doubt or despair. A re-assuring fact when piloting. To know that she'd be there and had been there to protect him from harm. Everything began to fall into place. All the times the EVA had gone berserk to save the day, the reason why it wouldn't accept any other pilot now. The reason why it hadn't killed Touji when he had screamed at it to stop.  
  
Shinji got a good grip on his mother's arm and began climbing up it. As soon as he was on top he began running as fast as he could up it. The rubber soles of his plugsuit providing surprisingly good traction. 'Good thing too. A fall from this height would probably kill. If it's even possible to die here,' Shinji thought as he reached his mother's shoulder. Yui watched, unable to move, due to the restraints imposed on her by the form she was in. She had managed to break most of the restraints but still remained captive; a prisoner of the beast known as Evangelion. A tear, caused by mixed feelings, made its way down her cheek.  
  
Sadness, because she hadn't been there for her son when he had needed her most.  
  
Joy, because he was here now. Because she had been able to protect him during the past few months.  
  
'I guess I'm not a total failure' she chuckled mentally as she felt her son embrace her cheek. "What about you mom.. How will you get out? When they get me, will they get you out too?" Shinji asked, basking in his mother's warmth, hoping that she'd give him the answer he longed for. Yes.  
  
"I'm sorry kitten. I don't think I'll be getting free anytime soon." she whispered sadly. Shinji's heart sunk. He rested against his mother's cheek, trying to hold back the tears. "Don't worry. I'll be fine. I've survived for ten years, what's another ten billion?" she chuckled softly. He nodded, tears filling his eyes.  
  
Shinji suddenly felt a slight tugging at his chest. "It's starting again. What is this pain? Why do I feel it?" Shinji muttered. Yui's eyes widened. "They're trying to shock your body back into coherence. They're trying to bring you back!" she shouted, excited. Shinji inhaled sharply as the pain began flowing. His words came out slowly as he strained to get them out. "How. do. I. get. out?" he asked, muscles tensing up and relaxing as the waves hit him. "I don't know. If I did, don't you think I'd be out already?" Yui answered, her voice tinted by resentment.  
  
Shinji cried out, the pain was cutting deeper and deeper into him. He peered down into the abyss only a few inches away from the edge of his mother's body. He stared at it. The pain lessened as he focused on it. 'Ikari.' a wailing voice called from the darkness. Shinji closed his eyes. "Goodbye mother. I promise you, we'll meet again. I'm going to get you out" he said before leaping.  
  
Shinji laughed as he felt air hit his face, caressing it softly as he fell into eternity. He felt his plugsuit fall away from him. He fell a liberated man. if he could call himself that, no responsibilities, no facades. just his inner self. falling to his doom.  
  
He opened his eyes, turned his body so that he could look up. He could no longer see the overpowering form of his mother. Strangely he felt this comforting. He sighed as the pain left his body.  
  
'And so it ends,' he thought bleakly. He could see no bottom, no finality in this darkness that he was falling into. Closing his eyes once more he whispered, "God. Please let it end." He then chuckled after realizing the irony and futility of what he had just done. He was Shinji Ikari, Third Child, Invincible pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. Slayer of the Lord's Angels. Why the hell would God Help him? And then Shinji had another epiphany.  
  
What was the use of praying? What point was there in religion now? God clearly hated the human race. After all, why else would he send the Angels to destroy humanity? Why else would he have inflicted Second Impact. The Bible clearly stated that God had promised that he would never again unleash such destruction as he had in the Great Flood upon Mankind. Looked like he had lied. For now he had unleashed something far worse than a flood. He had sent the Angels.  
  
The Angels. the ones who were trying to create a Third Impact to wipe out humanity, the ones that had taken the lives of those he had failed to protect, the Angels that had hurt those dear to him, the Angels that had taken away his innocence, and now what remained of his pitiful life. There was no doubt about it, God hated him. The only question going through Shinji's mind was. Why?  
  
After a few minutes of contemplation, Shinji gave up. He knew he'd never find the answer to the question. And so he waited. all the while falling. Waiting for the ground to meet him. Waiting for something to happen.  
  
Two seconds later, he made impact. Opening his eyes as he felt the cold hard surface on which he had seemingly just laid down on. Everything was blurry. He heard someone he knew call his name. Felt a pair of arms encircle him. Hold him close. He sighed happily before closing his eyes. The sweeter embrace of unconsciousness took his broken and weary body.  
  
PART 2 - REBORN  
  
I Watched you change, into a fly  
  
I looked away you were on fire  
  
and I watched a change in you  
  
it's like you never had  
  
wings now you feel alive  
  
I've watched you change  
  
And I watched a change in you  
  
now you feel alive  
  
now you feel so alive  
  
I've watched you change  
  
like you never had wings  
  
Deftones (Change in the house of flies)  
  
Alarms went off in the EVA cages. Like ants around a seemingly dead mouse that just began moving, NERV technicians began to swarm around the not so inactive Evangelion Unit 01.  
  
"Ma'am. Something's wrong! Unit-01 isn't reacting. Wait, it's trying to eject the plug!" Lt. Maya Ibuki shouted as she watched the monitors in front of her go crazy. To either side of her were her co-workers. Lt. Makoto Hyuga and Lt. Aoba Shigeru. Both were working frantically, trying to make the data on their screens change to something more favorable. Having an almost hysterical purple haired Major didn't help much either. "Block the signal! Don't let it eject!" Misato screeched, panicking. Maya grit her teeth, tempted to tell the older woman to just shut up and let her do her job. "Ma'am. I can't! It's rejecting any signals we send!" she shouted instead. "It seems that EVA doesn't want to let him go." Ritsuko muttered under her breath as she took over from another console. "Just what is Evangelion?" Misato asked, having overheard her. Ritsuko didn't even look up from the screen. "You've seen the data; you can access the specs. You know what it is" she said flatly, fingers moving across a keyboard at high speeds. Misato had an urge to just smack Ritsuko right then and there. She knew she was lying, she had to be. But it wouldn't be proper for her to assault the good doctor in front of their support staff. She'd have to confront her about it later. Those thoughts were pushed out of her mind by the immediate expulsion of the entry plug by Unit-01  
  
Misato ran down to the umbilical bridge, watching in silent horror as LCL began flowing from the plug. Carrying an empty plugsuit with it.  
  
"Ma'am. We've lost the pilot's signal." Maya said slowly, not believing the information present on her screen. The signal was gone. Completely gone.  
  
Down on the bridge, Misato's eyes widened as she picked up the fallen plugsuit. 'He's gone.' Misato fell to her knees, hugging the plugsuit tightly. "What good is it. What good is your science! You can't even save one life with it!" she screamed at the techs around her. She then turned her attention towards the Evangelion before her. "Give him back! Damn you! GIVE ME MY SHINJI BACK!" she screeched at the now still behemoth. It remained passive. mocking her with it's silence.  
  
"Misato. he's not coming back. We've done everything we can, "Ritsuko said, kneeling down beside Misato, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder. 'Damn it, this is hitting her hard. I feel sorry for her. The things she'll have to endure.' Ritsuko thought sadly. not noticing Misato clenching her fist. She lashed out a moment later, hitting the blonde doctor dead on in the face. "Bullshit" Misato snarled, looking rather feral. Ritsuko stumbled backwards. hand going straight up to her face. 'I won't say anything. she's in a bad place right now. I can't help her.' Ritsuko told herself calmly before turning her thoughts towards schedules and the agendas hidden within them. No doubt that the entire incident concerning Unit-01's appropriation of an Angel organ, an authentic S2 organ to boot, had thrown the entire damn schedule for the Human Instrumentality Project into disarray.  
  
The two women stiffened slightly as they heard a loud humming emanating from the Unit-01 beside them. A loud 'thud' followed once it stopped.  
  
"SHINJI!"  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji opened his eyes slowly, and found the ceiling. He smiled as he recognized it.  
  
"Familiar ceiling." he whispered, feeling oddly happy. The feeling permeated through the thick haze of mental and physical exhaustion.  
  
"I hate this place" he laughed as he sank back into his hospital bed. 'I'm home. I'm really home.'  
  
"I don't think anyone likes this place," a familiar voice chuckled. "Misato?" Shinji asked quietly, before being pulled into a tight embrace. "Good to have you back" she smiled, easing up on her hug. 'God. How long has it been since she got a decent night's rest?" Shinji thought to himself as he noticed the dark rings around her eyes. He was taken a bit off guard when Misato hugged him tightly again. "I.We were afraid that we had lost you," Misato whispered, "Thank you for coming back." 'Thank you. No Angel can stand against us with you back. My redemption is that much closer.' Misato thought, before smacking herself mentally. 'SHAME ON YOU WOMAN! He is not a tool. He's a human being and don't you ever let yourself forget that!' she scolded herself.  
  
Shinji watched Misato as she sat back into her chair; blissfully unaware of the inner conflict going within her head. "Um. Misato, where was I? How long have I been gone?" he asked, bringing her out of her muddled thoughts. She shook her head slightly before replying. "You were floating around somewhere inside Unit-01. It's been a month since you were taken"  
  
Shinji's head was spinning. A month. How was it that he couldn't remember an entire month of his life? Suddenly bits and pieces of recently suppressed memories re-surfaced.  
  
"Hey Shinji, wanna be with me?" "I'm bored, want to have sex with me?" "Hello Ikari. Do you wish to become one with me?"  
  
"Mmmm. it feels wonderful" "Come on, I promise I won't bite, unless you do first" "One body, one mind, one soul"  
  
Shinji felt his body shake. Everything was blurry for a moment before his eyes focused on the first thing in front of him. Misato. "Shinji. SHINJI! Are you alright?" she asked frantically, seeming somewhat agitated. "Huh?" Shinji muttered, blinking. "You spaced out for a while. You started mumbling things about becoming one with something" Misato replied, seeming even more agitated than she had been a few minutes ago. She had good reason to be. According to the not so good doctor Akagi, this wasn't the original Shinji. She had seen the results, the DNA was almost exactly the same as the original Shinji's, only now it contained a few extra bits. What these bits were, or what they would do was anyone's guess. So far he seemed normal enough, except for the spacing out bit. For all intents and purposes he was Shinji.  
  
Misato studied him carefully, especially his eyes. The deep blue eyes which everyone else seemed to think were brown. The ones someone could easily get lost in. They looked older, weary of the world that they were being forced to see. Other than that, she couldn't read them. She sighed as she decided to let him rest. She needed caffeine...badly.  
  
"Well. I guess I should let you rest, I'll see if I can get you released soon" she said before heading for the door.  
  
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief as soon as she left. The way she had been staring at him, no, examining him, made him uneasy. It was something which he expected of Dr. Akagi, not Misato. He began to wonder why. He raised his left arm, clenched and unclenched his fist, staring at it. He tried to find something wrong; anything wrong with it. As hard as he tried, he found nothing. Nothing warranting the cold way in which Misato had been looking at him. As far as he could tell he was still human. What had happened to him when he was inside EVA? He couldn't see any changes, no physical ones anyways.  
  
The only thing he knew was different was that his mind had set up memory blocks. He knew this because it had happened before. For example, after his fight with the Third Angel his mind set up blocks to protect itself. The memory of having an energy spike forced through his skull via eye socket would have scarred him had his mind not taken those countermeasures. Usually a sound familiar to one in the memory would gradually release the memories from their prison.  
  
The last thing he remembered was sitting in Unit-01's entry plug, shouting at it, trying to get it to reactivate and move. An Angel was outside, pounding his powerless Evangelion. Everyone was depending on him, so he began yelling that much more frantically. Still the EVA had remained silent. Shinji, desperate, had begun pulling on the controls, knowing that it was pointless to do so. Then the darkness took him.  
  
Shinji found himself staring at his hand again, once the flashback ended. "What is this scent?" he asked as a familiar smell filled his nostrils.  
  
Another memory freed itself.  
  
Warmth. A smiling face. gentle arms holding him, keeping him safe. cookies.  
  
"Mother," Shinji whispered to the ceiling. "This is the scent of my mother."  
  
He began to think of all of the ramifications and implications of what he had just said. He smelled like his mother. He had just been inside Evangelion Unit-01 for the past month. Therefore.  
  
"Mom's in Evangelion." Shinji said with a deranged smile on his face. A few moments later he fell back onto his bed. Unconscious.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Asuka checked her watch again. "8:49. Where the hell is she?" she wondered aloud. Misato had, for some reason 'forgotten' to tell her the exact time of the salvage operation that was supposed to have taken place earlier that morning. She paced back and forth. waiting for news, good or bad.  
  
During the past week she had been contemplating the final pages of Shinji's journal. She was prepared for either outcome of this last salvage. She was ready to confront him about its contents once he returned. However, she was also ready to forget (or so she thought) that she had ever read the journal, if the salvage had failed.  
  
All she needed was to know which outcome she should prepare for. "Where are you, Misato?" she muttered again as she flopped down onto the living room couch. After turning on the t.v, she began flipping through the channels. "Crap. Crap. More Crap. Damn it! Nothing good" she groaned as she turned it off a few minutes later. She sat up, trying to find something to occupy her mind. Anything to occupy her mind with. After a few more minutes of thinking, she found it.  
  
Shinji's journal.  
  
----------------------------  
  
'Wow, the last few days have been eventful, to say the least. A new pilot, another Angel down. I don't think I was expecting any of this a few days back.  
  
It all started when Touji and Kensuke had walked home with me. When we got to the front door, Misato was there, apparently waiting for me. Noticing Touji and Kensuke she decided to be nice and invite them along with me for a 'boat ride' (as she put it). Touji and Kensuke immediately began nodding and grinning like idiots, like they always do when Misato's around. Sure, she's nice looking and all, but she's such a slob! Honestly, I don't know what they see in her. On second thought, I know exactly what they see in her.  
  
Anyways, she explained later that we'd be overseeing the delivery of Evangelion Unit-02, and its pilot. I, being a NERV employee, had a duty to go. Touji and Kensuke had no such obligations. However, after being told that the new pilot was female, and that we'd be staying on an aircraft carrier, they were dead set on coming. Of course they didn't know that I had to go, so I told them that it would be kinda stupid if I didn't come along. After all, I guess I have to promote NERV as a big happy family. Hmmm, that doesn't sound too right.  
  
We took a big transport chopper there, I learned later that we weren't its only cargo. Kensuke was practically having orgasms all the way to the ship. Touji was stuck in M.C.S (Misato caused stupor), telling me all about the special hat he had bought, just to wear for her. I, was dying from a combination of boredom and sheer annoyance, after all. one can only listen to one's friends talk about military stuff, or how he decided to wear something special just for your guardian before you feel the urge to just smack them senseless. I immediately regretted not bringing my faithful S- DAT with me. Thankfully it wasn't long til we landed. AS I stumbled out of the chopper, a wonderful sight greeted me.  
  
She looked the same age as me. Red hair and yellow sundress fluttering about in the wind. I could tell already that she was something special. Our eyes met briefly. My dark blue meeting her bright blue. She seemed to be looking down at me.  
  
I don't know why, but it hurt.  
  
Pathetic of me really, a girl I barely know gives me a disapproving look and I go to pieces.  
  
Touji stepped out after me. The wind took his beloved hat from him once he was out. The girl stomped on it as it came her way. Touji lunged for it. right at the same time she did this.  
  
The same wind that took Touji's hat, gave us a rather nice look at the girl's panties. She proceeded to smack him. Hard, claiming it was a viewing fee. Now I only mention all of this because it led to Touji flashing her back, with significantly more skin to boot. The fact that Misato was laughing hysterically doesn't help the mental image. Or Touji's self esteem.  
  
After Touji had recovered sufficiently from the angered girl's blows (although I don't think he'll ever recover from Misato's laughter)Misato made the introductions. Yet again the girl looked into my eyes. Only this time I felt insulted.  
  
"What? This is the Third Child? Looks a little scrawny for a pilot," the girl said eying me with casual disregard. She turned out to be the pilot of 02 (The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu, as she put it), the Second Child. It's a shame really. That she doesn't have a good personality to match her looks. To quote Kensuke and Touji. "What a bitch!" Egotistical one to boot, as I found out later when she showed me her Unit.  
  
I had to stand there, while she boasted how much better her Mass Production Model Evangelion was better than my Test Type. The most I'll admit is that hers is a rather interesting and nice color. One doesn't see bright red Evangelions every day; then again most people will never see one in their lifetime, let alone get chosen to pilot one.  
  
Halfway through her lecture, something rocked the boat hard. Alarms went off as we rushed for the main deck. Once we got there we were treated to a rather spectacular sight. Two cruisers in our escort went down in flames as something large and white ploughed through them. Asuka smiled, looking quite deranged as she whispered something in a foreign language. Her guess was that it was an Angel.  
  
It figured. Here we were, no land in sight, an Evangelion in transit, a pilot that was too sure of herself, and to add to our problems, an Admiral that seemed to hate NERV with a passion, therefore hindering our every move. So of course an Angel had to attack us.  
  
Asuka felt confident enough that she decided to launch Unit-02 by herself. without orders. Dragging me along for the ride.of course.  
  
Of course she demanded that I wear a plugsuit, and seeing as there seemed to be no male variants aboard, and because I had lacked the foresight to bring one along with me, I had to wear a bloody female issue plugsuit. Bright red, just like the EVA. Gee, I wonder what Asuka's favorite color is?  
  
The plugsuit affair was not a pleasant experience. It was too loose in a lot of areas and way too tight in the ones that really mattered. Thankfully Kensuke and his camera were on another ship this time. However its times like these that I really, really wish that Kensuke's camera would short out, or something equally damaging (I figure if I'm going to wish for something, might as well make it realistic, after all, there's not a chance in hell that Kensuke would ever leave his cam at home). I suppose I'll berate him later, before he tries to blackmail me into finding some way for him to become a pilot. I'll touch on that later.  
  
Once we got into the plug and inserted, things didn't get much better. She began speaking German as she activated Unit-02. Within seconds the not so familiar ERROR, message was surrounding us. She then started to yell at me. again.  
  
"If you MUST think, then think in GERMAN!" she shouted. Well, I tried to think in German, but if bratwurst, Volkswagen, and schnitzel aren't German, then I don't know what is.  
  
She yelled at me again before re-starting using a Japanese interface. Millions of colors flashed by as we synched with the red giant. I silently prayed, hoping it wasn't as temperamental as its pilot. My prayers seemed to hold fast, thankfully as she jumped from ship to ship, heading for the "Over the Rainbow", the ship we had landed on earlier that day. I watched as the Angel took down another cruiser.  
  
Once we got to the "Over the Rainbow", Misato began cheering us on. Bad idea. It only spurned on the insane redhead. She pulled an activated prog knife from a shoulder sponson. I could see that it was a different model than mine. I couldn't help but think, 'State of the art tech, and what do they arm us with? A giant X-acto knife that vibrates really fast. We're doomed.'  
  
"COME GET SOME!" she laughed as she assumed a fighting stance with it, holding the knife out in front of her, and open palm inches away from the tip. The Angel seemed to hear her as it came straight for us. It was a lot bigger than I had originally thought it to be. It took us slightly off- guard, knocking the knife straight from Unit-02's hands. I watched, impressed, as Asuka wrestled with the massive beast. Then I realized that her EVA was equipped with B-Type Equipment. Therefore rather vulnerable underwater. well actually, useless to be exact.  
  
Asuka seemed to realize the same thing a moment later, because she began swearing profusely as the Angel dragged s down with it into the murky depths. The only thing that saved us was the umbilical cable. And from my experiences when it comes to combat, I've learned that it snaps much too easily for my peace of mind.  
  
Down and down we went. Rather rapidly thanks to the Angel. The first thing we saw once we got down there was a giant wall of teeth heading for us. The first thing I felt afterwards was a fuzzy sensation in my mid section. Asuka merely grunted as she tried to pry the enormous teeth trapping us, apart. As she did this, I (somewhat calmly) informed Misato of the situation, and of the location of the Angel's core. All she told me was to "hold on" while she thought of something.  
  
And think she did. Coming up with a plan crazy enough that it worked. All me and Asuka had to do was hold the Angel's mouth open, while two cruisers were sunk and rammed down its throat.  
  
Easier said than done. Trying to open a gargantuan fish's mouth, whilst it's trying to cleave you in half with its teeth isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. But somehow we managed to do it. it took all of our strength, both mental and physical. We did it though, so I guess that's the only thing that really matters. We came back to cheers, and a few wolf whistles from some of the crew. The fact that they were mostly directed at me was not a good sign.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Asuka put down the journal. She shook her head furiously. It didn't make any sense; Shinji's earlier entries seemed to be. filled with life, with SOME sort of happiness. Then slowly but surely as she flipped through the entries after that one, they got more and more depressing and lifeless, steadily. Almost as if something was leeching any joy, any defiance he once had, from him.  
  
That's when it hit her. From the look of it, the process had begun shortly after she had arrived in Tokyo-03. "It's me. I'm the one who's doing it to him," she laughed. It made so much damn sense to her now. After all, Shinji had stood up to her a lot before they began synch training. That's when he had fallen in love with her. He became more docile, more apologetic, and slowly but surely he had become the Shinji she knew. The only thing that didn't make sense to Asuka was, why? Why was he doing it? He couldn't possibly be thinking that by bringing himself down he was doing her any good.  
  
Asuka carefully placed the book back into its place and walked out of the room. "No sense at all." she muttered as she headed for the couch. She checked the time again. "12:46. She should be back by now" Asuka said as she began to worry slightly.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji sighed as he pulled on his shirt. Misato had managed to get him released. He was grateful for it; usually he spent a week or so in the infirmary for any minor injury after piloting. He'd hate to waste another month of his life lying in bed, because of what had happened.  
  
He just wished that he didn't have to leave at three in the morning. Wearily he pulled himself off of his bed and out the door. A slightly more animate Misato greeted him. "Let's get going before they change their minds. God knows they'd love to get their hands on you for another week or so" Misato chuckled as they made their way to the exit.  
  
A few minutes later they were in Misato's trusty Renault and on the way home. Shinji gulped as he saw that Misato's driving hadn't gotten any better. 'It's three in the morning; she hasn't slept in days. I suppose it's not that bad' he thought to himself, taking back his previous mental statement. He changed his mind again as Misato barely missed hitting a ramen stand. 'Well, at least it won't be a long ride.' the optimist part of Shinji offered. 'It's still a ride with Misato' the pessimist chipped in.  
  
Shinji sighed. It was going to be a long ride.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Gendo Ikari was not a happy man. Then again, he rarely was. However it happened that on this night, he was more displeased than usual. For all he knew, all the hard work, all of the machinations, all of the planning and scheming he had been doing for the past ten years would amount to naught.  
  
"How will this new variable affect the schedule?" he asked; his voice calm and steady as he leaned forward in his chair. Surrounded by darkness, only the faint blue glow from the patterns etched into the ceiling of the vast office illuminated the woman standing in front of him.  
  
"Nothing like this was predicted by the scrolls. As a result, I do not believe that the project will go forward exactly as SEELE had planned. However, with a few modifications, our own schedule may actually be carried out in less time than originally specified", Ritsuko Akagi said, trying to match her superior's tone. She could tell by the smirk on his bearded face that he was rather pleased with the news. She breathed a sigh of relief mentally, for had the senior Ikari's plans been halted, or interfered with in any way, the junior Ikari might not have survived his wrath.  
  
"Excellent. Now what of the anomaly present in the Third?" The Commander asked, folding his hands in front of his face. Ritsuko gulped, mentally. Now was the clincher, unfortunately Shinji played a key role in the project, therefore if he wasn't operating according to the parameters set, he would have to be replaced.  
  
"I don't believe that it will pose any problems." Ritsuko answered quickly. She faltered quickly under his stare. "However, I will most likely need to conduct more testing in order to be certain", she added hastily.  
  
"Very well. See to it that this testing is completed soon. SEELE grows impatient. The old men are scared." the Commander smirked.  
  
Ritsuko nodded and made for the exit. "Oh and Doctor." he said softly. She stopped and turned. "Yes, sir?" she asked. "Eight O'clock, the usual meeting place. that is all," he said. Ritsuko nodded once more and made a hasty retreat as she realized that she must have been blushing.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji took a deep breath as he came to a stop in front of the apartment's front door. "Well, Shinji. Open the door" Misato said as she slumped against the wall. Shinji took another deep breath before opening it. Taking a step inside, he smiled. "I'm home." he whispered. "Welcome home, Shinji" Misato said as cheerful as one can be at four in the morning, before heading in. 'I really am home.' Shinji thought before closing the door behind him.  
  
As he walked into the living room, a rather confusing yet amusing sight greeted him. Asuka lay sprawled on the couch. Her red hair formed a halo around her head. 'Why is she here at four in the morning? Was she waiting for me? Nah. couldn't be.' Shinji thought to himself as he leaned in closer. He chuckled as he noticed a small bit of drool running out of the corner of her mouth. She wasn't wearing much, only a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. He didn't dwell on it, as he spotted a few blankets nearby.  
  
"Good night, Asuka" he whispered as he covered her with the blanket. Warm and fuzzy feelings filled him as her mouth curled into a smile. Not one of her usually arrogant smirks, but a genuine smile.  
  
He tried not to look back as he entered the kitchen. He let out a small chuckle as he saw Misato, who seemed to have passed out on the table. He immediately went back to the living room to grab another blanket, and a pillow.  
  
Just as he was finished gathering these, he heard a loud thud coming from the kitchen. He ran in. and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that it had only been Pen-Pen trying to get the beer fridge open. Misato was still slumped in her chair, face flat on the table.  
  
The penguin squawked happily as he finally noticed the boy. Shinji smiled as he crouched down to pet Pen-Pen's feathery crest. "Hey there Pen-Pen, miss me?" he asked, laughing softly as the penguin cocked his head in the direction of the beer fridge and squawked a few times.  
  
"You haven't changed a bit, I see," Shinji grinned as he stood up, "All right, I'll get you a beer, but only because I feel extra nice tonight" he added with a slight chuckle as he got a beer from the fridge and set it down before him. Pen-Pen did an odd sort of bow before waddling over to pick up the can. "Wark" was all he said before heading off into his fridge for the night. "You're welcome" Shinji whispered, turning his attention to Misato.  
  
Shinji gently lifted Misato's head, careful not to wake her, whilst simultaneously sliding a pillow underneath it. "Good night Misato" he whispered, giving her a slight hug. "And thank you." he added as he left.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji yawned as he woke up. He sat up, waited a few moments, and then laughed out loud. "I'm home. I'm home!" he said, the realization finally sinking in. He quickly grabbed his S-DAT, and began rifling through his tape collection. "Where is it. Angst. Despair. Here we are! JOY!" Shinji said as put the tape up to blow the dust off of it. He blinked as he noticed that there was no dust. "Strange, I almost never use this one. And I've been gone for a month, so unless someone's been going through my stuff." Shinji wondered aloud, before rejecting the idea. No one had any reason to go into his room... He simply shrugged as he opened his S-DAT and put the tape in. Within seconds, music filled his ears. "Off to the kitchen we go" he said as he headed out of his room, a bounce in his step.  
  
Asuka groaned as she woke up; she felt groggy, and her head hurt like hell. "Where did this blanket come from?" she said out loud. After all, no one had been home last night. She stiffened as a voice she hadn't heard in over a month drifted out of the kitchen.  
  
"Goddamn you half Japanese girls! Do it to me every time." Shinji's voice rang out. Asuka blinked, wondering what the hell he was talking about. "Oh, the redhead said you shred the cello and I'm jello, baby 'cause you wont talk, won't look, won't think of me, I'm the epitome, a public enemy why you wanna go and do me like that? Come down on the street and dance with me!" He continued.  
  
Asuka shook her head furiously. "This can't be. this is a dream, a really messed up dream." She muttered as she lumbered off to the washroom. After splashing some water on her face and making sure she was awake, she headed back for the living room.  
  
"...Then my heart stopped listening to chocho-san, fall in love all over again" Shinji sang happily as he began mixing some batter. He decided to try something new. 'Mmm. Pancakes. They look good' he thought to himself as he checked his cookbook.  
  
"How stupid is it? I can't talk about it. I gotta sing about it and make a record of my heart. How stupid is it? Won't you gimme a minute, just come up to me and say hello." Shinji continued singing, "How stupid is it!? For all I know you want me too or maybe you just don't know what to do, maybe you're scared to say I'm falling for you."  
  
Asuka stopped in her tracks. It wasn't a dream, and from the sound of it, Shinji knew that she had been going through his things. Now he was taunting her. "Or maybe he's being serious. But how could he." she thought out loud as she slumped against a wall. "Well, I suppose I'd have to do this sooner or later." she said, taking a deep breath.  
  
"I wish I could get my head outta the sand, 'cause I think we'd make a good team and you would keep my fingernails clean, but that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize 'cause I can't even look in your eyes without shakin' and I ain't fakin'. I'll bring home the turkey and you bring home the bacon" Shinji sang, repeating the last line over and over again.  
  
Asuka marched into the kitchen. "Look Third Child... I don't understand why you feel the way you do... God knows I don't, but I think we need to talk..." she said, determined to keep talking. Shinji didn't turn around. "Shinji?" she asked, wondering why he was ignoring her. She quickly noticed the reason. "He's listening to music? He's been singing along to music!?" Asuka shouted in disbelief. Shinji finally turned around. He was wearing his trademark apron. After pulling out one of his earphones, he gave her a rather disturbing smile. "Good morning Asuka, if you could just take your seat besides Misato at the table, I'll be serving you your breakfast." He said before turning around and continuing with his work.  
  
"You heard everything" Asuka said flatly as she sat down. "Yup" Misato said cheerfully as she took a sip of her beer. Asuka fidgeted slightly, trying her hardest not to let her pride get the better of her. "What I said stays between us?" She said hopefully. "Fair enough." Misato shrugged. Asuka blinked, not believing her good luck. She decided not to push it and simply shut up. 


	5. INTERMISSION: NOTICE TO THE FANS

NOTICE:  
  
To my most appreciated readers  
  
Oh, don't worry, I'm not discontinuing Tainted (I've put waaaay too much of my time into it to stop now), at the very worst I'll just be doing some re- working of the current chapters (grammar, html work, spelling, etc.)  
  
So you're probably wondering, why else would I write a notice such as this one? I suppose it's for many reasons. I might as well list them  
  
Apologize for the lack of updates  
  
I have not updated for a while now, the last update occurring somewhere  
in the middle of Nov '03. I blame this on a few things. My reluctance to  
put up bits and pieces of chapters, choosing instead to only update when  
I have a full chapter (both parts) completed, the rising stress level  
associated with school life, depression that comes and goes (sometimes  
threatening to take me with it) and a lack of inspiration (think  
Evangelion sized writer's block and you wouldn't be too far off) .  
  
Several of these things have mixed together to form a rather unpleasant  
mixture I like to call, Sad and Useless Shinji (SUS for short). This  
mixture results in lack of new materials, new chapters, and severe  
shortage of the energy required to produce the first two. Sadly I have  
been suffering from SUS syndrome for the past two to three months now.  
  
Still, I feel that it is my duty to apologize to those who have actually  
sat there, and waited, and waited, and waited. for updates that seemed to  
never come.  
  
To re-assure..  
  
Chances are, that unless you happen to frequent the one of the few  
message boards that I frequent, you might've thought that I had  
died/gone away/[insert something here]. I am alive and well, and have  
recently taken up pen again, so you can expect Chapter 4 to hit FF.net  
sometime mid to late February. However, if you want you can check out  
the www.darkscribes.org forums (Story Teller's Corner) to have a go at  
the unrefined materials.  
  
To announce!  
  
You will be seeing the following titles coming to FF.net soon  
  
"Remembering The Rain"  
and  
"Evangelion: Meteora"  
  
That is all.. You may resume waiting.. Now  
  
- Shinji (01/05/04) 


	6. Gathering Clouds

Chapter 4 – Gathering Clouds Part 1 – Arrivals and Departures  
  
On the verge of spontaneous combustion.  
  
Woe-is-me.  
  
But I guess that it comes with the territory;  
  
an ominous landscape of never ending calamity.  
  
I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have had all I can take and exploding seems like a definite possibility to me.  
  
So pardon me while I burst into flames.  
  
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.  
  
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.  
  
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.  
  
Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees. I said, "I can relate," cause' lately I've been thinking of combustication  
  
as a welcomed vacation from the burdens of the planet earth.  
  
Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...  
  
and thinking so much differently.  
  
So pardon me while I burst into flames.  
  
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.  
  
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.  
  
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.  
  
Incubus (Pardon Me)  
  
"I'm sure that Ritsuko is thinking that I'm an 'indecent woman' right now."  
  
"Those who are hooked on sexual desires seem more human. I think we might just be fooling them a bit.  
  
"Intelligence? Commander Ikari, Ritsuko, or me?  
  
"No, me..."  
  
"Others... I'm right? You aren't interested in others but you feel lonely. You really are like my father..."  
  
"Cigarettes, you still smoke?"  
  
"I smoke only after doing things like these... So only you know about this."  
  
"I feel honored, but is this the only reason we meet? For you to gain things?"  
  
"Yeah, that's one of the reasons. I'm rather honest, don't you think?"  
  
"The honor would be entirely mine, if a lady would make a cat's-paw of me."  
  
"At present, it's important that I let you know my hopes. What is the true goal of NERV and Commander Ikari?"  
  
"Ah but it's I that wants to know that."  
  
"Stop dodging my questions. Aaah! No, don't put things in there! What are you trying to do anyways?"  
  
"Here is a present, for the first time in eight years, I suppose."  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"I'm afraid that it's the last one."  
  
----------------------------  
  
Kaji Ryouji sighed as he turned his computer terminal off. He checked his watch... 'Not much time now' he thought to himself as he leaned against the terminal. He pulled out a small pistol, checked the clip. "How strange... I know the exact amount of bullets in my clip, yet I feel compelled to double check... I always have to make sure, don't I?" he chuckled to himself mentally as he slid the clip back in. He sighed as he waited for what he felt was the inevitable. He had grown too dangerous, had poked about where 'he shouldn't have'. Now it was time for SEELE and NERV to get rid of their little tool, before it had the chance to turn on them.  
  
"Chances are, I'm not going to get out of this alive if I decide to stay..." he wondered out loud. "One has to wonder, what happens if I live? No, I don't think I can be allowed to live... It'd be stupid to keep going... Ah well, I wonder how they'll remember me when I'm gone? Most likely as the ever-present tramp..."he sighed, again. A moment later he chuckled. "I'm getting much too sentimental in my advanced age," he laughed as he continued to wait for his deliverance.  
  
It came soon enough, as a few minutes later he felt something cold and hard press against the back of his head.  
  
"You're rather late" he said smiling as he silently pulled out his gun, hiding the motion by lifting his left arm, showing his assailant the time.  
  
"I know"  
  
Several gunshots later, a body fell to the floor, the sound of the impact coupled with the previous gunshots echoed throughout the corridor ominously. It was over...  
  
----------------------------  
  
The knife fell, slicing the meat that it encountered in half... Thick red fluids flowed like small rivers... It was over...  
  
Shinji hummed softly as he packed the sandwiches away into his and Asuka's lunchboxes. He sighed as he started to think of her. It seemed, to him at least, as if she had been avoiding him over the past few days. He had considered talking to Misato about it but had eventually decided that it was nothing to worry about. Not yet anyways, and to be truthful he was sort of enjoying the peaceful that came as a result of Asuka's absence. 'Why risk destroying that?' he thought as he remembered her harsh words, her scorn, and how it had been so hard for him to deal with. At least for now he wouldn't feel too hurt.  
  
"Come on Third! Hurry up and get moving! Don't want to be late, do you?" Asuka shouted from down the hall before exiting. She had no intentions of waiting for him, because she knew that if she did, she'd be tempted to talk to him... And she didn't want to do that just yet.  
  
'You do know that you will have to talk to him eventually, you said so yourself,' her inner voice scolded her before adding an accusation, 'Not as ready as you think you are now, are you?' Asuka brushed the voice aside mentally as she stepped inside the elevator down the hall from the apartment. She caught a glimpse of Shinji rushing out the door and looking around wildly before the elevator doors closed. She sighed as she pressed the button for the ground floor. She watched as the light indicating the floor, slowly made its way down to the end.  
  
Shinji cursed as he hastily closed and locked the front door. He began looking around for Asuka. After seeing the elevator doors closing he cursed again and headed for the nearest stair case. "Great, First day back to school and what happens? I'm going to be a little late because Asuka decides that it's a good time to be a bitch and not wait for me. Marvelous" he muttered darkly as he flew down the stairs. 'Not only that but it seems that everyone in NERV thinks something's wrong with me, the way they all keep their distance from me...' he thought angrily as he remembered his first day back.  
  
======================  
  
'Shinji gave Misato and Asuka a broad smile as he sat down and watched them try the pancakes he had made. "So what do you think?", he asked, eagerly awaiting their answer. It had been the first time he had attempted making blueberry pancakes, and he wanted to take note of anything wrong for future references.  
  
Misato was the first to try. "Hmmm, it's different... But I like it!" Misato said before inhaling the contents of her plate. Or at least it seemed that way to Shinji. 'Well, considering that she can stomach her own food, Misato may not be the best food critic... Let's see what Asuka thinks' he thought as he turned to her. "Well?" he asked, watching her intently.  
  
Asuka simply sighed, and took a few bites. She chewed slowly and thoughtfully. Shinji waited patiently as she took her sweet time tasting it. "What do you know, I guess Shinji's good for something after all", she laughed. Shinji flinched subtly at the comment. He began to apologize, but changed his mind half way through, finally realizing the stupidity of it. "I'm sorry..." he said softly. Asuka rolled her eyes, and was about to say something when Shinji cut her off. Still using a soft voice he added, "I'm sorry that you feel that this the only thing I can do..." Without looking at Asuka or Misato he sat down and turned his attention to his own breakfast. He took a deep breath, trying to push dark thoughts out. 'Mmmm, not bad,' he thought to himself as he took a few more bites.  
  
Misato was the one that broke the silence. "Ritsuko wants to run some tests with you, be at her office at noon," she said. Shinji nodded, it was reasonable enough. After all, after what had just happened, they were probably wondering if he could still pilot... 'Or if I'll continue piloting...' he thought to himself as he finished off his plate. Besides, it would give him some time to think... 'Maybe it won't be so bad,' he shrugged mentally.  
  
======================  
  
"Ha, stupidest assumption I ever made!", Shinji muttered as he skipped a few stairs.  
  
======================  
  
Ritsuko gave Shinji a somewhat re-assuring smile. As re-assuring as an older woman can be when one isn't wearing much. "Is it really necessary for me to be...er...naked?" he asked twitching slightly covering his nether regions. Ritsuko gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, it's necessary, I want to see how well you synch with and without a suit on," she explained motioning to the empty plug waiting in the test room next door.  
  
Shinji knew it was pointless to resist, or argue for that matter. "Fine, but could you at least tell the techs to stop giggling? It's a little off- putting," he asked, refusing to move until the female technicians stopped. Ritsuko gave another sigh, "Okay... You heard the man, stop it, especially you Fubuki!" she shouted. After giving a "Yes Ma'am!" the tech in question fell silent. Shinji took the opportunity to rush into the test room, practically diving in to the entry plug.  
  
"Finally", Ritsuko said, "Begin the procedure! Ready?" "Ready as I'll ever be", Shinji sighed, closing his eyes as he waited for the LCL to fill the plug. It did so slowly, its warmth encompassing his body as the plug neared fullness. 'Mother' he whispered mentally as he felt her familiar presence nearby. 'Not real' he thought sadly as the feeling slipped away, hollowness replacing it.  
  
He breathed in deeply, letting the LCL fill his lungs. He grinned as he recalled his first experience with it. He had held his breath as long as he could, resisting the (at the time)foreign liquid. Eventually his lungs had given out and he had been forced to allow the substance to enter his lungs. He shuddered slightly as he remembered that first gulp; the way the LCL had oozed down his throat, slowly dripping into his lungs, the warmth invading his shell. And now it was second nature... no longer alien.  
  
'Adaptation', Shinji thought. Adaptation, it was what made humanity different from other life, what gave it it's greatest strength. 'And combined with hope, should be able to win us this so called Angel War...' he pondered as he waited for Ritsuko's signal to start.  
  
"Let's begin"  
  
======================  
  
"Thirteen hours... For thirteen hours she poked, prodded, probed and practically dissected me... WITH COLD HANDS!" Shinji growled to himself, remembering those grueling thirteen hours of torture. He shuddered violently as memories of the physical came up, unbidden. In doing so, he missed a step. He barely had time to shout before slamming into a wall, fifteen steps down.  
  
He hit the wall feet first, his left leg fracturing on impact. It took everything he had to keep from screaming as pain coursed through his leg. He found it strangely ironic. He had suffered injuries far worse than a broken leg while piloting, yet because it was actually happening to him it seemed worse. "Marvelous," he spat, rather sarcastically, through grit teeth. Taking rapid, shallow breaths he tried to block the pain mentally.  
  
"Happy thoughts... Painless thoughts... Tranquil thoughts..." Shinji repeated as he lay crumpled on the floor.  
  
'But what brings me happiness, without also causing me pain?" he wondered, trying to sit up as best as he could. His first thought had been of Asuka, and of her once in a blue moon genuine smile... but the bitter realization that it wasn't because of or for him, caused him to stop.  
  
"Even now she causes me pain", he mused, suddenly remembering his current predicament. "I'm going to be so late", he chuckled, as he leaned against the wall, wondering what he was going to do.  
  
----------------------------  
  
"Where is that idiot?" Asuka muttered as she entered the classroom, just as the bell rang. She had been forced (due to a number of things) to stop several times along the way to school. "Shinji should have caught up with me at the second light...,'she pondered out loud, worry creeping into her mind. 'Why am I worrying about him?' she asked herself. Instead of an answer she received Hikari. "Worried about Ikari, are you?" she asked, sidling up next to Asuka. This immediately set off Asuka's built in countermeasures, allowing them to kick in just in time for her to save face.  
  
"No, I'm just wondering why the stooge is so damn late, he has my lunch, and I forgot to bring my wallet along today," she half-lied. "Oh really? Then why did you blush when I asked?" Hikari asked slyly with an eyebrow raised. 'Oh she's good... fluch!' Asuka swore mentally, whilst simultaneously trying to come up with a plausible explanation. She couldn't find one, and her pride wouldn't let her admit that she was feeling anything (except utter contempt) towards Shinji. 'When in doubt, or close to defeat, use horribly confusing and complicated answers,' Asuka thought smugly. Hikari cut her off before she could begin. "And don't try to use the 'confuse em with a complex answer' approach, you know I'm not stupid," Hikari added.  
  
Asuka was getting desperate. 'She's right... she knows me too well, I can't use my best stuff... but I can't tell her either, not outright anyways', she sighed mentally. "We'll talk later, class is starting" Asuka finally replied, opting to cop out.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji gasped as he felt something warm trickle down his injured leg. He pulled the pant leg back carefully, groaned as he saw the blood. "What the..." he began to speak as the blood began to form bubbles. A moment later his leg began to liquefy. "This isn't happening! This isn't happening! This isn't happening!" he repeated, closing his eyes as numbness took him. When he looked again, his leg was solid once more; there was no sign of the blood anywhere. Slowly and carefully, Shinji got up. He felt no pain in the injured leg. It seemed...fine?  
  
"I'm going insane... That's it, that's the only explanation. I've officially lost it," he laughed, taking a few wary steps. Feeling no discomfort of any sort he picked up his bag and walked down the remaining steps, making a mental note to talk to Asuka when he had the time. 'Speaking of which... I'M AN HOUR LATE!' he screamed mentally, as he checked his watch.  
  
"An hour, an hour! I swear I'll kill that girl!", he told himself out loud as he exited.  
  
"That's a very strange way of saying you're displeased with someone, don't you think?" a cheerful voice asked him. "Huh?", he asked turning in mid stride. "Re" he stopped in mid-sentence as he realized that it couldn't be Rei. The girl before him shared the same red eyes, albeit a little darker, and she too was very pale. But that's where the similarities ended. For one thing, she was too emotional to be Rei. Her hair was longer and (even) unrulier than Rei's. Not only that but it was gray...  
  
Shinji stared at her for a few moments. 'Interesting color for someone this young... I wonder if it's natural?' he wondered. She wore a school uniform, was she a new student? Fear gripped him. 'A new pilot? No, we don't have a spare unit, and all of us are fine... Why are you here?' he asked himself.  
  
"After all, I don't think you'd hurt anyone... not intentionally" the gray haired girl said before giving Shinji a smile and walking off. He followed her with his gaze for a few more moments, constantly studying the way she moved, putting it away for future usage. He shook his head before breaking into a run. He'd wonder about this new girl later, right now he had to get going, he was already horribly late as it was...he really didn't have the time to walk. 'Please, let Mr. Zakunachi understand, please don't let him be as bad as Asuka makes him out to be' he thought as he began running faster.  
  
----------------------------  
  
"Ikari, Shinji?" Mr. Zakunachi called as he took the attendance... "MR.IKARI?" he repeated before asking, "Does anyone know where Ikari is?" When no response came, he marked Shinji absent.  
  
Asuka sighed as she watched. 'What's he gone and done now? He's never this late, and he doesn't have the balls to skip classes,' she thought, finding herself growing worried, much to her dismay. It wasn't as if she didn't have reason to be worried... NERV's security... The seemingly omnipresent Section 2 had lost Shinji before, it could happen again. 'How long did he manage to get away from them for? Three days was it?' she asked herself, trying to recall details of the incident. After only a few moments of sifting through her mind she brought them up.  
  
After getting the chewing out of a life-time by Misato for disobeying a direct order to retreat, Shinji (according to the official report) had experienced emotional distress and had become increasingly isolated, locking himself in his room. Only two days after he had started doing so did Misato finally discover that he had fled from her apartment. Shinji in the meantime had spent four days wandering about Tokyo-03 before heading off into the mountains, where Section 2 finally caught him.  
  
"I'm- I'm sorry I'm late sir!" A familiar voice shouted as the door burst open and someone stumbled in. "Mr. Ikari, I assume?" Mr. Zakunachi asked calmly as Shinji caught his breath. "Yes sir" Shinji nodded, opening his mouth to apologize again. "You are only a few minutes late Ikari, no need for so many apologies... However, be sure that it does not happen again... You may be seated", he said softly. Shinji nodded gratefully again before heading off to his seat.  
  
Asuka watched him as he took his seat, a few desks in front of her. A mixture of relief and anger flushed through her as she examined him with her eyes. 'He doesn't seem to be hurt... Bastard! Making me worry like that! Soon as he boots up I'm giving him a piece of my mind,' she fumed silently as she started her own laptop up.  
  
'Only a few minutes late?' Shinji pondered, confused as hell as he checked the classroom clock. 'I'm losing it... Slowly but surely...I'm losing it...' he sighed, as he marveled at his good fortune. With a more audible sigh he pulled his laptop out.  
  
Within seconds of it becoming operational, a messenger screen popped up.  
  
UberPilot says: You and I need to have a little chat, Third...  
  
Shinji scratched his head, discreetly taking a look in Asuka's direction. 'She looks angry...Not good...'Shinji groaned,' Be strong, go on the offensive...Don't hold back'  
  
=Ikarus= says: I agree, we've needed to talk for a while now  
  
Asuka frowned slightly. She hadn't been expecting this, but then again, what had she been expecting?  
  
UberPilot says: Good! How about we kick it off with, why the hell you're late?  
  
=Ikarus= says: Hmm...  
  
UberPilot says: Well?  
  
=Ikarus= says: Well, I really don't think you'd believe me if I told you  
  
UberPilot says: Oh no... No copouts for you Shinboy! I don't care how outrageous it sounds. You're going to tell me!  
  
=Ikarus= says: sigh when did you start caring?  
  
UberPilot says: You're copping out again, and when did you grow a pair?  
  
=Ikarus= says: So are you, and I've always had them, I just happen to hide em smirks  
  
UberPilot says: Right, so are you going to tell me or what?  
  
Shinji rolled his eyes and began typing up a response, but was cut off by another message screen popping up. He smiled when he realized who it was.  
  
=/X0r says: Come on man1 talk to me!  
  
=Ikarus= says: Calm down! I can hear you muttering and I'm eight desks away!  
  
=/X0r says: Sorry bout that  
  
=Ikarus= says: Not a problem, I've missed you!  
  
=/X0r says: Same here... It hasn't been the same without you  
  
=Ikarus= says: Let me guess, you want to know where I've been for the last month or so?  
  
=/X0r says: (: Well... yeah... When the hell did I get that predictable?  
  
=Ikarus= says: Sorry to burst your bubble ken, but you've always been predictable!  
  
=/X0r says: Ha, now I know you're bsing me... Anyways, good to have you back from?  
  
=Ikarus= says: You never stop, do you?  
  
=/X0r says: Wouldn't be me if I did, would I? :p So?  
  
Shinji chuckled as he typed a somewhat elaborate story, one that was passable, yet one that Kensuke would eat up. He waited a few seconds for Kensuke to respond.  
  
=/X0r says: Top secret training! MAN! I wish I was a pilot...  
  
=Ikarus= says: sigh So what did I miss?  
  
Asuka grew angrier and angrier as seconds turned to minutes and still no response came from Shinji. She watched as his fingers danced across his keyboard, pausing for only a few seconds every now and again. Finally Asuka couldn't take it anymore and felt that a bit of reminding was in order.  
  
UberPilot says: ANSWER!  
  
=Ikarus= says: After you (and I thank you soooooo much for it) left without waiting for me, I had to run for it and take the stairs... In doing so, I tripped, flew down a good 15 or so stairs and shattered one of my legs... Which shortly turned into tang and solidified half an hour later, after which I ran all the way here... Happy?  
  
Asuka blinked as she re-read the message. She stifled a laugh as she read it again. 'Well, I suppose I did say that I didn't care how outrageous it sounded... but this is ridiculous!' she thought... 'He's changed quite a bit...' a little voice inside her head tingled. Asuka agreed as she began formulating a response. 'Let's see how big they've gotten'  
  
UberPilot says: You're bullshitting me... I want the truth  
  
=Ikarus= says: Hypocrite... All right! I'm lying to you, I'm late because I stopped to ogle some women and then went off to touch myself... Satisfied?  
  
UberPilot says: I knew it! You are such a filthy pervert!  
  
=Ikarus= says: And you are such a bitch!  
  
UberPilot says: ... What did you just call me?  
  
=Ikarus= says: It's always about you, isn't it? YOU YOU YOU! No one else ever matters! You don't even care about everyone you tease, or hurt...  
  
UberPilot says: .......  
  
=Ikarus= says: Do you know what? Just forget it... Forget I ever said anything... Forget like you always do...  
  
UberPilot says: Fuck You! I will not forget it! TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN!  
  
-Message could not be sent because "=Ikarus=" appears to be offline-  
  
'The nerve of that bastard! I don't need anyone! I don't need him! They're all below me... They should be grateful, filthy ingrates, that I'm risking my neck to save them!' Asuka's ego started screeching, threatening to explode.  
  
Meanwhile, at his desk, Shinji sat in cold contemplation, pondering over his words.  
  
'I shouldn't have been so harsh'  
  
'Nonsense! You were telling her the truth, one that she would have to face sooner or later anyways'  
  
'I should apologize'  
  
'Gah! There you go again... She's right! You're pathetic!  
  
'What?'  
  
'You're always apologizing!'  
  
'What's wrong with it?'  
  
'Everything! For one thing, you seem awfully insincere!'  
  
'It's just another way of keeping everyone happy...'  
  
'But that's impossible, there's now way in hell that you can appease everyone!'  
  
'I can try, can't I?'  
  
'True... still'  
  
'Still what?'  
  
'You really should stop doing this.'  
  
'Stop doing what?'  
  
'Stop doing a lot of things! Stop putting other's happiness first at the expense of your life... Stop degrading yourself for others, stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong, stop apologizing for things you didn't do, and stop having long drawn out conversations with yourself... Just to name a few'  
  
Shinji sighed as he broke off from his inner dialogue. 'I'm not going to apologize... not yet anyways' he decided as he turned his attentions towards the teacher, trying to push Asuka out of his mind. Or at least he tried... "Bronte... Milton... Oh how I loathe thee," Shinji mumbled as he lay his head on his desk and trying to drift off into blissful unconsciousness.  
  
In the meantime, Asuka had calmed down enough to start an internal dialogue herself.  
  
'Why did he call me that? I thought he loved me! Has that changed?'  
  
'Maybe he's finally gotten tired of having to bow down all the time'  
  
'What's THAT supposed to mean?'  
  
'Don't play stupid with me, you know what I mean. You force Shinji down, time and time again... just so you can feel better about yourself!'  
  
'And why shouldn't I? I'm a pilot! Savior of Humanity, Slayer of the Angels! I'm better than them, I deserve better than that coward... He didn't even want to pilot, and look at him! He's stealing my victories! It's not fair!'  
  
'Ego... Shut up and let the girl speak for herself!'  
  
'What?'  
  
'You're not the one that's talking... Only an aspect of you is, in this case, your ego... which happens to be the one usually in control'  
  
'Riiight... So you are?'  
  
'Your common sense, and to some degree, your intuition'  
  
'So tell me this... Is it normal for a person to be talking to themselves like this?'  
  
'What do you think?'  
  
'My guess is, Yes'  
  
'..........'  
  
'Well, aren't you going to give me an answer?'  
  
'No, I'm only your common sense, not your intelligence... Besides, you're the college grad. You tell me'  
  
'Yes then'  
  
'If you say so'  
  
'For common sense, you seem rather useless'  
  
'Says the worthless one'  
  
'What?'  
  
'You are a college graduate, yet you know very little, you're a pilot, yet you fail to realize that you will be utterly useless once the last Angel comes and goes (chances are, with your current losing streak, that you'll be dead before Seventeen rolls around, anyways... You've got a chance to have a fulfilling relationship with a guy that seems to genuinely care about you, yet you choose to treat him like shit because you'd much rather lust after a man twice your age whom could easily pass off as your father... In short, you're a little girl pretending to be all grown-up without bothering to think of the consequences of her actions, or of anything for that matter'  
  
'Shut up... SHUT UP!'  
  
'What's wrong? Can't take the truth?'  
  
'Fuck you! Go away! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'  
  
'I'm you, remember? I can't go away'  
  
Asuka tried to shut out the voice, but it refused to be silenced. Relentlessly it pressed its assault, seemingly determined to shatter the girl's protective misconceptions of those around her.  
  
'Shut up! LEAVE ME ALONE!' she screamed in her mind, a futile gesture. It still repeated, the voice reaching a frenzy pitch... And then all went silent...  
  
Ironically the silence was worse than the ever screeching, ever accusing voice...  
  
Asuka realized that her breathing was shallow and ragged... 'I will not break... I will not cry... I will not give in...' she repeated in her mind as she willed her armor back into place. A quick glance to either side quickly alleviated her fears of someone discovering her moment of weakness. Asuka took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, leaned back in her chair.  
  
----------------------------  
  
A pair of eyes observed the two from their hiding place at the side of the room. 'Strange...' Rei thought as she watched. 'Sohryu seems troubled by something... Ikari is acting in a similar fashion. Is this a result of their quarrel, or perhaps it is the result of something else?' the pale girl wondered, keeping her face passive as always.  
  
Ever since the Second's arrival, she had taken it upon herself to observe her fellow pilot's interactions. At first she told herself that it would increase efficiency in battle and would teach her more about the human psyche. But soon found that she was driven more by curiosity more than any other reason she could think of. Not to say that she wasn't justified in some regard. The quasi-relationship between the Second and Third Children was a fascinating one, especially to one who had never witnessed such a thing.  
  
'Ikari clearly has a romantic interest in Sohryu... Yet he does not express them... Instead he seems content to watch from a distance, only daring to come close occasionally... Sohryu also seems uncertain about her feelings concerning Ikari; such is the state that they are in... Something has changed... It is no longer unstable...' Rei noted, watching her subject's reflections in the window beside her desk. Most people assumed that she was just looking out the window, unaware that she was watching their every move... watching and waiting...  
  
'Most curious...'  
  
----------------------------  
  
"... I've also been growing... flowers. I'd appreciate it if you took care of them for me... Shinji knows where they are... Don't hesitate, move on! If I ever see you again, I'll say the words I could not, eight years ago... The truth is with you; take care of yourself, Katsuragi..."  
  
Click......... whhhhhrrrrrr.........click  
  
"Katsuragi, it's me...I'm sure you're listening to this message..."  
  
"Idiot......"  
  
----------------------------  
  
Brrrrriiiiinnnng!  
  
Shinji let out a rather audible sigh of relief as the bell signaling the beginning of the lunch break rang.  
  
It got caught in his throat as the potential consequences of his rash words concerning Asuka and the fact that he held her lunch in his hand caught up with him. 'Damn it... Not good... not good!' he sighed silently as he got up slowly from his seat, bento in hand. He walked like a man facing certain death. He kept a hand in his pocket, ready to move it to a blocking position should Asuka become... angry. He had felt the force of her blows a long time ago, he quickly recalled how badly bruised his face had been afterwards. He had no wish for his boys to end up the same way.  
  
"Here goes nothing", he muttered as he approached.  
  
Asuka saw Shinji coming, and for a split second, wondered why. 'Has he come to apologize? To confess his feelings? Or... is he...just bringing me my lunch' She prepared an insult... or rather tried to. For the first time, she couldn't think of anything particularly insulting or demeaning to say to him.  
  
"What are you, stupid? Gimme that you idiotic pervert!" she blurted as he opened his mouth to say something, quickly snatching the bento from his hand. She proceeded to stomp off in a suitably melodramatic fashion, Hikari in tow.  
  
Shinji exhaled. Asuka was still a little off balance after his little outburst. The haphazardly constructed insult was all the proof he needed of that. 'Not quite at the top of your game are you?' he smirked inwardly for a moment before remarking, "Where did that come from?"  
  
----------------------------  
  
'She keeps lashing out at you, making you hurt... Yet you simply take it and take it... Why? I must discover what lies within your heart... But first we must get rid of the Second... Ah! I see that you've noticed me. Come! Let's begin our little game...'  
  
----------------------------  
  
'Mutter ficken gotterdammerung schiesse!' issued a long string of rather potent curse words from Asuka as she sat down to eat. 'Smug bastard, look at him... sitting there on the roof... talking... with... Rei?' Asuka muttered as she observed Shinji from afar.  
  
He seemed deep in conversation with a girl whom Asuka had at first mistaken for Rei. 'What the hell is going on?' she wondered.  
  
----------------------------  
  
"Hello again! Still feeling murderous, by any chance?" the mystery girl laughed as she watched Shinji ascend to her perch. "You again!" Shinji called out as he hoisted himself up. "Who... who are you?" he asked, catching his breath.  
  
"Where's the fun in telling you just yet?" she taunted, "Let's just say that I'm like yet unlike you in more ways than one." She gave him a broad grin, staring at him with her crimson eyes. "What do you mean? I don't understand!" Shinji exclaimed, growing more curious by the second. This girl was different, clearly; otherwise he wouldn't be pursuing her so actively. He felt a compulsion to find out why.  
  
"Well of course you don't understand, silly!" she laughed before beginning to muse. "If you did, perhaps you wouldn't be as eager... or maybe you'd become even more interested?" she giggled, getting up. Shinji pondered her words as she began to dance around him, humming softly. 'Just who... or maybe better question would be... What are you?' Shinji wondered as the gray haired girl continued dancing, the humming having been replaced by her extrapolating on her numerous views on truth and reality.  
  
"... Look how fragile it is for you Lillims!" she ended abruptly as if greatly disturbed by something. "I should go..." she said seriously, a grave look upon her face. It unsettled Shinji greatly. She seemed to notice it, and decided to give Shinji a rather unexpected surprise...  
  
"Don't worry... I'll be seeing you again... Count on it" she smiled as she pulled away and faded from Shinji's view.  
  
----------------------------  
  
'An unknown variable... This is...unexpected. I do not know how to proceed, Should I inform the Commander, intervene at my own discretion, or simply observe?  
  
Strange... There is a feeling about this one. Familiarity? Is she the same as I, of the same origin? No... She is different. Different yet not different. Most distressing... I must protect Ikari, I must wait to inform the Commander...  
  
I believe I shall observe for now'  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji stood in a state of total shock... He was frozen in place, unable to comprehend what had just happened. His brain simply could not compute...  
  
'Mysterious gray haired girl, that looks like Rei random babbling on both of our parts ki... ERROR, SYSTEM ERROR, CANNOT COMPUTE, SYNTAX ERROR! SYSTEM MELTDOWN IMMINENT! DANGER SHINJI IKARI DANGER!'  
  
He was snapped out of his haze by a hard smack on his back, followed shortly by a loud and vigorous "MAN! Nice work!" from the perpetrator of the prior smacking. "Wha... What just happened?" Shinji asked, still slightly dazed by recent events. "Oh ho ho! You're a sly dog, Shinji..." his bespectacled friend Kensuke laughed before commencing a bombardment of questions. "So what's her name? How long have you been doing it? How long have you known her? She any good? Does she spit or swallow?" and so on and so on.  
  
Shinji tried his best to answer, or rather clarify but had a very bad feeling that he wasn't getting through. "I don't know, we're not doing anything!(I think), I just met her... KENSUKE! Could you please stop asking me stuff like that!?"  
  
----------------------------  
  
"Asuka! Where are we going?" Hikari inquired as she was jostled along by a German that seemed very anxious about something. "To find that weibchen" Asuka snapped. "What? Asuka! What are you talking about?" Hikari barely had time to ask before Asuka grabbed her and started running. "That girl! You saw her! The one kissing Shinji!" Asuka exclaimed, stopping for a moment to look about frantically. The girl she had seen a few minutes ago was nowhere to be found. It was during this brief pause that Hikari said in a sing song voice, "And why are we looking for her? ... Are you jealous?"  
Asuka suddenly turned very red... and shortly afterwards, very loud. "Hell no! I just want to make sure that any girl stupid enough to try and pursue a relationship with that perverted fool knows what she's getting into!" she shouted at the hapless brunette, forcing her lie across. Truthfully, she was feeling slightly envious... 'Bitch, trying to take my Shinji! I'll show you...' Asuka fumed inwardly, still searching for the bitch in question.  
'So he's your Shinji now? I don't recall you thinking that way before' her inner voice interjected. 'Oh shut up! If I won't have him, no one else will!' 'Are you certain that it's not, can't?' 'Just what are you implying?' 'That you are incapable of reciprocating his feelings and as a result, wish for him to be alone, until you are capable of doing so.' 'As if!'  
  
'All right, prove it then... Ask him out to a date'  
  
'Wha!?'  
  
'What do you have to lose, if you're so capable?'  
  
"Asuka? Could you please let go already! It's starting to go numb!" Hikari shouted, breaking her concentration. "What? Oh! Sorry..."Asuka apologized, releasing Hikari from her iron grip, "Did you see where she went?"  
  
Hikari shook her head, and then sighed. It was at that moment that Asuka felt it might be best if she gave up the chase for the day. People had started to stare at her; for all the wrong reasons. "What the hell are all of you looking at?" she shouted at them. They went back to whatever it was that they were doing. 'Damn it... I'll find you... And when I do...', Asuka thought, before heading out to lunch with Hikari.  
  
Part 2 – Crack  
  
Empty spaces - what are we waiting for  
  
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score  
  
On and on  
  
Does anybody know what we are looking for  
  
Another hero another mindless crime  
  
Behind the curtain in the pantomime  
  
Hold the line  
  
Does anybody want to take it anymore  
  
The show must go on  
  
The show must go on  
  
Inside my heart is breaking  
  
My make-up may be flaking  
  
But my smile still stays on  
  
Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance  
  
Another heartache another failed romance  
  
On and on  
  
Does anybody know what we are living for?  
  
I guess I'm learning  
  
I must be warmer now  
  
I'll soon be turning round the corner now  
  
Outside the dawn is breaking  
  
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free  
  
The show must go on  
  
The show must go on - yeah  
  
Ooh inside my heart is breaking  
  
My make-up may be flaking  
  
But my smile still stays on  
  
Yeah...oh... oh... oh...  
  
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies  
  
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die  
  
I can fly - my friends!  
  
The show must go on - yeah  
  
The show must go on  
  
I'll face it with a grin  
  
I'm never giving in  
  
On with the show  
  
I'll top the bill  
  
I'll overkill  
  
I have to find the will to carry on  
  
On with the show  
  
On with the show  
  
The show must go on  
  
Queen (Show Must Go On)  
  
Shinji took a deep breath to both calm and prepare himself for the verbal whipping he would surely endure upon entering his home. Thankfully he had been on clean up duty, and therefore had been spared a lot of the initial heat from his little 'Bitch' comment. Seeing as Asuka had gotten home earlier, she would have had more time to cool down. At least, that was the logical way of looking at it.  
  
'Then again, since when has she ever acted logically?', Shinji sighed mentally... 'Please...please be at Hikari's tonight...' he prayed fervently, 'Yeah right... and miracles happen how often?'  
  
He took another deep breath, opened the door, and stepped inside. "I'm home!" he called out; half out of habit, half out of courtesy. 'It is better to let whatever shall come, come...' he thought, 'better if she bitches at me now... at least I'll have gotten it over with', he told himself as he slipped out of his sneakers and continued into the den.  
  
The apartment was surprisingly silent. Shinji didn't like it. It wasn't the peaceful quiet he longed for. Rather, it was a tense silence, like that of the eerie calm that always seemed to come before the onset of a mighty storm. Something felt as if it had to give. Shinji tried hard to figure out what was causing the feeling. 'Asuka?' he guessed as he set off for his room. 'No, this feels different...'  
  
Suddenly that intangible string holding the silence together snapped. Faint sobbing, seemingly magnified by the previous lack of sound, assaulted his ears. Shinji quickly determined the origin. 'The kitchen... Misato!' he thought as he rushed to its entrance. His thoughts were immediately confirmed as he reached it. The purple haired woman was leaning over the kitchen table, cradling something in her arms.  
  
He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but found that he could not move past the kitchen's doorframe, or make a sound. It was as if his power cord had been cut and the battery had just run dry. His mind raced frantically. 'What's wrong? What happened? What do I do?... Asuka!' he said, reaching a conclusion. He couldn't do it alone, so... he'd get Asuka's aid. He quietly sneaked off to get his ill tempered roommate.  
  
"Asuka?" he asked, barely audible, as he knocked softly on her door. He ignored the badly written "Go away" sign, and continued to knock when no answer came. "Asuka, something's wrong with Misato... I d-"  
  
"Piss off Shinji! I really don't feel like talking to you right now, why don't you go find your new doll and play with her?" she shouted at him through the door, "Just leave me the hell alone!"  
  
"Fine..." Shinji muttered, walking away. He paused for a moment as he passed the kitchen. Misato was still crying. Even as he closed the door to his sanctum, he could still hear her howls of despair. The terrible feeling that he was useless, alongside guilt and shame coursed through him as he tried to shut out that horrible sound.  
  
He snatched up his SDAT from its resting place on his bed, and hastily put in the headphones. He could still hear it... He turned up the volume, but he still heard that terrible noise. He buried his head under his pillow... but the noise was relentless. His last thoughts before he forced himself into unconsciousness were, Damn it... I'm just a kid, I wish that I could help her, but I'm just a child...'  
  
----------------------------  
  
Asuka fumed quietly in the comfort of her own room. Choosing to isolate herself instead of taking out her frustrations on the source. She hadn't taken Shinji's attempt at piercing this solitude very well and was now swearing viciously in her head as not to attract Misato's attention. 'Nerve of that verdammnt bastard, coming to try and talk to me after what he pulled today...'she muttered mentally as she laid back onto her bed.  
  
As she stared at her vast empty ceiling, she found that her ire burned a little less hot. 'Just what was it that he was saying anyways?' she wondered for a while before dismissing it. 'Probably came to apologize for what he did', she told herself. The thought cheered her up for some reason. That was before reality and the increasingly intrusive voice in her head kicked in.  
  
'Yeah... riiiight'  
  
'... You again, don't you have anything better to do?'  
  
'No, not really'  
  
'Let me guess, you're here to tell me that I should accept the fact that his feelings about me have most likely changed?'  
  
'Smart guess, but incorrect!'  
  
'So... random bout of introspection, most likely brought about by some sort of trauma?'  
  
'Getting warmer'  
  
'He's not going to apologize'  
  
'Not yet, anyways'  
  
'Why do you suggest that? The whole 'Look at me, I've got a spine and I'm going to use it!' act?'  
  
'My, aren't we observant today'  
  
'Spare me the sarcasm and get to the point... Assuming that there even is one'  
  
'Should there be?'  
  
'Well... yeah!... There's no point in this, is there?'  
  
'Aside from my little visits being a wonderful indication of your rapidly deteriorating sanity... not really'  
  
Asuka sighed as the voice broke off. 'I've really got to stop doing that... Now if only I had been paying attention to Shinji...'  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji woke up feeling horrible. He couldn't shake off the guilt that had been hounding him. "Three days... It's been three days," he whispered as he remembered Misato's cries... and how they just wouldn't stop. He had guessed soon afterwards that it had something to do with Kaji. Shinji's first instinct was that the older man had been hurt somewhere. After the second day his fears became more and more concrete, as Misato continued crying. Eventually he figured it out.  
  
"He's dead..." Shinji whispered to himself, a tear making its way down his cheek. Logically it was the only reason... the only reason that Misato would be sobbing. As Shinji had been living with her for almost a year, and had only witnessed her crying once. It had been after his escape from the 12th Angel...  
  
Suddenly he thought of Asuka. "Asuka, she can't know about this... She mustn't..." he decided after further contemplating the revelation. Asuka already seemed on edge, news of his death would only serve to push her over it. Between her last defeat, upcoming synch tests, and what he could only guess was that time of the month, she was a time bomb waiting to go off.  
  
The bomb in question was waking up. Just like Shinji, she felt terrible. Her period had started the day before, and the cramps were only getting worse. She hadn't spoken to Shinji since the night of the kissing incident, and worst of all to her, she realized that she hadn't seen Kaji in weeks. Which meant of course, that it was the first thing on her mind when she came into consciousness.  
  
'Where is he? I haven't seen him since... that night,' she thought, unwillingly digging up her most recent memory of the man of her dreams. It had been before Shinji's return.  
  
The plan that night had been to go to Hikari's. That's what she had told Misato a few days prior. But with the hospitalization of Hikari's older sister, that had been called off. Of course, Asuka had neglected to mention it to Misato. When she got home that night, she had noticed an extra pair of shoes at the door... men's shoes. She had stupidly assumed that it was the eve of Shinji's return, because of them. She heard faint noises coming from down the hall, and decided to stay quiet, hoping to sneak up on Shinji. As she drew closer to the living room the noises became more pronounced. People whispering...  
  
Asuka had inched closer... She heard Kaji's voice and struggled to keep from running into the room. She failed and burst in... The cry of joy had died in her throat, as a horrible sight greeted her eyes.  
  
'Kaji was... and Misato was... They had been... They are... having sex...' she thought with a mixture of despair and disgust. She had lost her battle to win the man over before she even had a chance. She had refused to admit it until the fact was shoved into her face. She had managed to suppress the memory, the reality of it... However, it didn't last, just as her attempt to suppress the reality that was her piloting record hadn't lasted. She had failed to gain the affections of Kaji, and she had failed to defeat the last three Angels. Always defeated, always outshined by either Shinji or Misato... The strange thing was that defeat at Misato's hands was preferable to Shinji...  
  
"That bastard doesn't need me or wonder-girl... He's found himself someone else... The journals were a lie," she rasped bitterly, as she found a concrete target for her hormone fueled rage.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Misato sat alone at the breakfast table, trying hard to drink her beer. For the first time in a long time, it felt wrong... the taste, once sweet, had become bitter. She was incapable of drowning her sorrows with it anymore. It simply could not keep her under long enough to forget.  
  
"Kaji," she wondered aloud, almost as if she were speaking to a ghost, "What were you looking for... what was so important that you were willing to die for it?"  
  
She took another sip, tossed the can aside. 'Funny, it reminds me of my very first beer... it also tasted like shit, and I ended up throwing it away, half full,' she laughed mentally as she sank back into her chair. It was going to be a long day.  
  
----------------------------  
  
"I might as well get out of bed... It's a school day, but... then again, I don't want to," Shinji muttered, as he sat up in his bed. The covers lay about him like layers of discarded skin, as he contemplated what he was going to do with his day.  
  
On the one hand, he could return to school as he had been absent for the past... "Three days," he whispered, as the knowledge of the wasted days suddenly materialized within his mind. The Katsuragi had fallen into an apathetic despair after that first night.  
  
He hadn't seen or spoke to Asuka since then... It scared and, at the same time, confused him. He was afraid. Afraid because he felt that Asuka might've done something stupid to herself. 'Does she know then? That Kaji is dead?' he wondered, 'Or maybe this is all because of that girl? The kiss?' That was the part where the confusion kicked in.  
  
As far as he knew, Asuka did not harbor any romantic feelings for him. "So why was she screaming at me like that? I mean, she's can't be jealous... can she?" he muttered to himself, visions of Asuka and the gray- haired girl, dancing in his head.  
  
----------------------------  
  
High up in the mountainside, on a cliff edge sat the girl in Shinji's head. She stared down at the city below her. 'Amazing, how fragile they are... And yet they've managed to create something that has managed to stay standing, even after the countless attacks... truly remarkable', she mused as she admired the many glass towers.  
  
"Rei Ayanami, First Child... Pilot of the prototype Evangelion, Unit- 00, Am I right?" she asked with a chuckle as she heard the blue haired girl approach.  
  
Rei was surprised that her target had identified her so quickly. She had acquired the skill of moving silently, several years ago, and had yet to be detected unwillingly when she chose to employ it. "You are correct... but who are you?" Rei inquired, moving closer.  
  
The girl made no move to get up, or even turn to face her hunter.  
  
"We are very much alike... I am called Kaoru, Kaoru Nagisa," she said with a smile, as she simply continued staring at Tokyo-03. Rei remained unsettled by the girl's behavior, but was unsure of how to proceed. "You are correct... on the surface we are similar, but-", she started before Kaoru cut her off. "But on the inside we are very much different... won't you sit down and enjoy the view with me?" she asked Rei, turning her head to give her fellow albino a warm smile.  
  
Rei blinked, pondering the best choice of action. She decided that further conversation would allow her to better understand her new nemesis. So she took a seat next to Kaoru, undaunted by the proximity to what would most definitely be a fatal fall, were she to slip.  
  
"What are your intentions, concerning Ikari?" she inquired coldly of the girl. "You're very blunt... just as I had expected," Kaoru retorted, as she let her feet dangle off the edge of the cliff. She lay back down onto the sparse grass, and closed her eyes. "To answer the question, my intentions are the same as yours."  
  
"You are lying, Nagisa," Rei said, conviction in ever word. She frowned at gray haired girl. Kaoru, propped herself up on her elbows and stared. Crimson met Crimson. "Oh? I expected you to be blunt... but not so, honest?" Kaoru laughed," I simply wish to explore the wonders of my humanity with him. Isn't that exactly what you've been doing?"  
  
"You...are...correct, but my actions thus far have been to protect him, whereas yours have the potential to harm him," Rei parried verbally. Kaoru's grin faded. "You seem so very sure. How is it that you know what possible consequences the actions that you and I have taken, or have yet to take, will have?" she asked, irritation burned in her eyes.  
  
Wind rushed past them. It created an odd howling noise as it did so... Rei chose to remain silent for its duration. When it finally died away, she spoke. "I cannot... however I can feel that your actions will not be beneficial. I can feel it, just as I feel the wind that had caressed my face a moment ago," she told her adversary. The comment surprised Kaoru, as she didn't respond immediately. She simply looked Rei up and down, as if she were searching for something. She stopped at the eyes. "I didn't expect you to be so deep either... Ikari's done a good job," she chuckled, her grin having returned.  
  
"I do not understand," Rei stated, confused. "Don't worry, I didn't expect you to," Kaoru simply laughed in response.  
  
----------------------------  
  
The sandy haired Kensuke Aida sighed as he took a seat on top of his desk. He looked around his classroom, that was, save for himself, the class representative and a sprinkling of students, empty. Even their substitute teacher, Mr. Zakunachi was absent at the moment... It had been this way for the last two days.  
  
"It must be getting worse... Shinji hasn't been in for days, and from the look of it he took the rest of the class with him" he wondered aloud, expressing his frustrations.  
  
"Asuka too... and Suzahara's still in the hospital," Hikari's voice sighed. The girl took a seat next to the bespectacled war geek. Kensuke looked up from his own seat, and nodded with a grim smile.  
  
"Not only that, but everyone's started to move away... slowly but surely, they're all fleeing, ever since that last battle. No one wants to live in a war zone," he added, examining his camera lens.  
  
"You seem to," Hikari laughed as she watched, "I'm willing to bet that you're the only one that's enjoying this damn war"  
  
Kensuke frowned at that very truthful comment, as it brought up memories of happier days. At least, compared to the past few weeks they were. "Weird, Touji said the same thing to me during the second attack..."  
  
"I'm sorry..." Hikari apologized, blushing as she remembered their fallen classmate. The two of them had been somehow brought closer by that tragedy. They had even started to take lunch together, finding ways to relate due to the quasi-relationship that their two other friends shared. They had even visited Touji together, something that seemed to surprise the dark-haired boy. "He's been getting worse, hasn't he?" Hikari said quietly, as she remembered their last visit. It had been disconcerting, seeing the once healthy, strong, tanned jock... broken and pale. Worse yet was his missing leg. Her comrade in concerns merely nodded again, as he mirrored her words in his head.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Shinji took his seat at the dinner table that evening with a sigh of resignation. He kept his eyes pointed downwards, staring at the dish of ramen noodles before him. He didn't want to meet Misato's gaze, lest guilt loose his tongue and he spill the fact that he knew what she knew. He didn't want to face Asuka either. He knew he'd feel an obligation to tell her about Kaji and he didn't quite feel up to confronting her about... 'Everything', Shinji thought, frowning as he reluctantly picked up several noodles with his chopsticks and lifted them to his mouth. He swallowed slowly. It seemed to him that everything had become a stand-off with Asuka lately. The slightest action, or any conversation always led to a shouting match. Before, it had been a battle for supremacy within the household, but now it felt different to him. Perhaps it was the feelings he now felt unsure of, or the fact that there seemed to be an odd desperation to Asuka's jabs.  
  
"Pass the pork", Misato requested, her words cutting through the air like a knife. She noticed that Shinji barely looked up from his plate as he did so. She accepted the dish and simply nodded her thanks, choosing not to question the dour mood that everyone seemed to be in. 'It's been so long since we sat down and had a proper dinner together, but tonight it's so awkward... I don't blame them for it'  
  
They continued to eat in silence, tension building and building... Just when she thought that she couldn't take it anymore, when she just wanted to scream... if only to break the damned silence, the phone rang.  
  
It continued to ring, while everyone sat still, surprised at the invasion. Eventually Shinji got up to answer it. "My my, He doesn't just save the world!" Asuka jeered as he picked it up.  
  
Shinji just chose to ignore it at the moment. "Hello?" he said uncertainly, as a foreign language greeted his ears. "Oh, sorry... May I speak Asuka I her mother?" an old woman's voice greeted him in broken Japanese.  
  
"One second, please" he told her, before turning to Asuka, "It's for you, from overseas; I think she said she was your mother?" He held out the receiver.  
  
Asuka, having been ignored by him previously, snatched the receiver from his out stretches arm, baiting him whilst doing so. "Oh, I'm so sorry that I made the Invincible Shinji perform such a menial task!" she taunted. 'The hell is all that about?' Shinji sighed mentally as he went back to his seat, and continued to eat.  
  
"Guten Tag, mutter!" Asuka laughed into the phone, a wide grin on her face. "Danke, sehr gut. Und Ihnen?" she continued in German.  
  
Shinji watched her movements, the way she talked, listening to the strange tongue. She seemed so different to him now, like a different person.  
  
"Du solltest nicht dafur sorgen"  
  
Shinji wondered what the two women were talking about. 'Perhaps, me?' he laughed privately, knowing the impossibility of what he had just thought, 'Yeah... that's as likely as me sleeping with an Angel.' He continued watching, unaware that he was being watched by a mildly amused Misato.  
  
'Should I taunt him about it? No...Let him enjoy the view, you're only young once', Misato mused as she took a sip from can of beer. She had yet to shake the damnable habit. 'Ah, to be young again'  
  
"Auf Wiedresehen!" Asuka said finally, seemingly ending the conversation. She put down the phone, confirming it. She looked up from the phone, and found Shinji staring at her intently. "And just what the hell are you looking at?" she half-shouted. Shinji panicked slightly, realizing that he had no valid excuse. So he decided to escape a forthcoming argument by changing the subject.  
  
"Why are you being like this? You were smiling into the phone just a second ago!" he parried, finding his mistake too late to stop it. He simply awaited the verbal blows that were sure to come.  
  
"You think that I really want to? It's just an act... a routine communiqué, she's not my real mother" she told him hesitantly. Shinji was surprised, he had been expecting a 'None of your business, Idiot' from her, not an explanation. Perhaps he had finally succeeded in cracking her?  
  
"I mean she did raise me... and it's not like I hate her or anything," she continued, oblivious for the moment to the fact that Shinji was hanging on to every word she was saying. "It's just that- Why the hell am I telling you any of this?" she shouted, breaking the temporary atmosphere of peace. Shinji got out of his seat.  
  
"Well, sorry for caring!" Shinji retorted as sarcastically as he could, finding instead that his words felt sincere.  
  
Asuka took the opportunity to belittle him some more, trying to cover up her moment of weakness. "Well, I guess I know I've hit rock bottom, when I start getting sympathy from a loser like you!" she stabbed verbally before pushing him out of the way, and heading for her room. "I'm done," she muttered as she passed out of sight. 


	7. Shattered

Chapter 5 – Shattered

_Part 1 – Soul Refrain_

Raped by my childhood?

What the hell, do I know about rape any way?

Well I guess its fun to pretend, sorry.

Just a thought that occurred when I wasn't quite awake enough to dismiss it.

It's so easy to cheapen an event by pretending it happened.

Boring clichéd self destruction...

Alexisonfire (Polaroids of Polarbears)

The sound of rain seemed deafening in comparison to the quiet sadness that surrounded a young red-haired girl. Adults stood all around her, sobbing softly, but she seemed untouched by the contagious despair. She simply stared at the black gravestone that stood before her, ignoring the rain and the adults. Her umbrella stayed perfectly never wavering.

A kindly old voice and a pair of aged wrinkled hands materialized, seemingly out of nowhere to provide some comfort to the girl, or so they thought. "Asuka… it's okay to cry" the woman's voice told her. The little girl looked up at her grandmother, her bright blue eyes, almost, glaring out from beneath the shadow of the two umbrellas.

She spoke coldly, her voice like her umbrella. "No, grandma… I won't cry, I can't cry. I have to be strong now. I have to take care of myself." The older woman simply stared in awe, and then stepped back into her place. Little Asuka turned back to her tearless vigil over the grave.

"Can you hear me? Asuka! I said that your synchronization ratio just decreased by a whole eight points! Start concentrating like you used to!" the irritated voice of Dr. Ritsuko Akagi repeated, invading Asuka's thoughts. She awoke from her trance to a very displeased face on an open view screen. "I'm trying!" she retorted quietly, closing her eyes again, trying to will her ratio back into its former heights.

Past the glass that separated the test plugs and the techs that oversaw them, stood Misato and Ritsuko. Both wore expressions that ill-masked an ill humor. "Synchrograph is minus 12.8, it's barely making it past the borderline of the starting indicator" Lt. Ibuki whispered, as her fingers danced across the keyboard, data printouts streaming across several screens. "Pathetic! This is even worse than before!" the doctor said, frustrated.

"Asuka's having her period today… She's not feeling very well," Misato said tersely, trying to explain her ward's dismal performance. Ritsuko sighed, able to ascertain what her friend was doing. "Physical ailments have nothing to do with synchro ratios!" she growled. 'Can't cover her this time, Misato,' she frowned mentally, as an afterthought. Her purple haired friend simply scowled and remained silent. 'This is no good, we don't have a spare, and her score seems to be getting worse and worse as time progresses…' both of them were thinking, as they watched Asuka intently, as her face contorted in concentration. "This is pointless… Asuka, you're finished now" she said, before motioning to the techs to cease the test.

In her plug, Asuka cursed silently. Failure… The very implication of it shook her to the core. And yet here she was a failure once again. Unable to perform, even on a simple test.

----------------------------

Asuka practically tore off her plugsuit as soon as she got into the locker room. It fell to the floor, leaving her naked in her fury. She looked around the room, hoping to see her nemesis standing there. To her great disappointment, no one was there, she was all alone. She stepped out of the rubbery pool of red at her feet, and opened her locker. Slipping on her panties, she wished that for once, Rei was with her. She needed someone to vent on, someone to beat verbally. As she finally finished re-dressing herself, she knew what she wanted… A fight, a chance to lash out at one of her fellow pilots. At Shinji, because of everything he had done to her. He had confused her with his written feelings, and his contradictory actions afterwards. He had unseated her as number one pilot, both in the field and in the lab.

She wanted to lash out at Rei especially today. The blue haired girl had been in the testing room when she had been freed from further tests. Normally she would've have been gladdened by the prospect of the albino having to suffer at the hands of her captor, the Doctor, but today she was enraged by it. She had been pulled because her score hadn't been good enough, because it was a waste of resources to continue. She was worth less than Rei.

"Damn them… Damn them both," she snarled, punching her locker, leaving a dent in it.

----------------------------

Ritsuko took a long drag on her cigarette, sighing with content as she felt it go to work, soothing her nerves. She kept her back turned to the window, and closed her eyes for a moment. She heard footsteps coming closer and closer to her, but she ignored them for the moment, focusing on her small moment of reprieve. She let out another sigh, before opening them. She looked to her side. Leaning against the wall, was Misato, waiting patiently. 'To blow off some steam, probably', Ritsuko chuckled, ready for the torrent of emotion that was sure to come pouring out of Misato. "Speak," she mock-ordered.

"It's about-", Misato started to speak, but Ritsuko interrupted with a lucky guess. "Asuka, right?" Misato nodded. "Her pride seems to have taken quite a hit lately", the doctor spoke softly.

"It's only natural, I suppose", Misato continued, "It's worse though, because she feels that she's being beaten by Shinji…" The Major paused for a moment, as if gathering energy for what she was going to say next. "I think this is it… We've reached our limits; perhaps, it's time for the three of us to go our separate ways."

The words came as a surprise to Ritsuko, more so than they should've been. She had been expecting it from day one; that Misato would break, sooner or later under the strain of it. "Oh, what's wrong? The nice artificial family you ordered, falling apart already?" she jabbed at her friend, reminding Misato just who it was that had started the whole affair.

"I don't have to take that from a person that tries to fill the holes in her own life with a bunch of cats", Misato retorted bitterly.

Silence ensued… Ritsuko lifted up the cigarette to her lips again; inhaled. 'I deserved that,' she admitted to herself, letting the anger from the insult flow from her body as she let out another puff of smoke.

"I'm sorry… I'm just a little upset right now", Misato apologized, looking out the window past the bleach-blonde. Ritsuko smiled grimly, knowing the truth behind that simple apology. 'It's not going to get any better for you, Misato,' she thought, as she took one last puff from her cancer stick.

----------------------------

Asuka clutched at her abdomen in agony as the muscles contained within cramped violently. She remained hunched over as she gripped the edges of a sink in the woman's washroom. She stared up from her pain, and faced her reflection in the mirror. The rest of the tiled room faded away as she concentrated on it. The image oozed hatred as it stared back at her.

"Why do I have go through this just because I'm a woman; it's not like I want to have children anyways!" she spat, as another cramp racked the lower part of her torso. She felt the blood flow, and gripped the sides harder. It was at times like these that she cursed the way her anatomy had to work.

She had never dreamed of having children, because to her it just wasn't in the scenario. She still hadn't moved past Kaji, and her entire life seemed devoted to a single purpose... Piloting. Her entire life up to this point had been devoted to it. It had reached the point now, where it consumed any hopes for a future without it. Simply put, it was the only thing she could do anymore. She couldn't cook, couldn't clean, all she really knew was Eva. And now that her only future was in jeopardy, she found herself secretly terrified by the prospect of it being cut away from her. She didn't know what she'd do if she failed.

'Come to heaven with me, Asuka…' a forgotten voice called faintly from the depths of her troubled mind. She shuddered with anger, and then got back up to her feet.

----------------------------

Kaoru hummed quietly as she walked through a small park in the interior of the city. Even surrounded by high concrete towers and technology, nature found a way to flourish in its depths. The trees that grew there made Kaoru feel happy, as she enjoyed the presence of living things. She had changed out of her school uniform earlier in the day, choosing instead to don a black sundress. Kaoru found that it contrasted quite pleasantly with her skin tones. She smiled as she remembered the stares she had gotten earlier.

The majority of them had been curious youngsters, who seemed enthralled by her pale skin and crimson eyes. She had, of course, stared back at them with a broad smile, equally curious about her observers' visages. She hadn't been able to remember when the last time she had seen such small faces had been. Now as she bent down to stare at her own reflection in a small pond by the path, she recalled it. 'I believe that it was I', she laughed lightly. She continued to study her mirror image closely, watching it intently as her face twisted and turned with the distortion of the water's movements.

"Simply fascinating", she mused.

----------------------------

Asuka growled impatiently, pacing back and forth as she waited for the elevator to get to her floor. She had been recalled by the doctor just as she was about to leave headquarters. Apparently, the Doctor felt that there was a use for her, scientifically speaking. Which meant that a battery of tests was forthcoming.

A loud, 'ding!' announced the elevator's arrival. As the doors slid open, Asuka bit her lip as she immediately recognized its sole occupant. She kept her scathing remarks in her head for once, and simply slouched against the wall furthest from Rei. The doors closed and Asuka remained silent, waiting for the blue-haired girl to make the first move, to give her something to justify an insult.

A minute passed and with the exception of the 'click-click-click' of the Elevator, there was silence. "She will not accept you, if you do not open your mind to her", Rei said softly, the words tearing through the silent air like a knife.

Asuka laughed bitterly. "So you're saying that it's entirely fault then, that I'm to blame for my downward spiral into nothingness? That I'm the one that's doing it?", she asked rhetorically, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes… Eva has her own mind…" Rei answered cryptically.

"What, you mean to tell me that the armored doll is sentient? That it can think and feel for itself!" Asuka spoke, her voice growing louder.

"You must be aware of it by now, even it may be only marginal", Rei said, seeming slightly surprised by Asuka's ignorance.

"Well, I know something's really up when a wind-up doll like you starts talking to me. Bad enough when Shinji starts offering sympathy… Hey, maybe tomorrow, it'll even snow, fuck; maybe there'll even be a blizzard!" Asuka screamed, almost hysterically, spite filling each word.

"I am not a doll…" Rei's speech was ice in contrast. A more fitting analogy for her words would have been gasoline. For that's just what they were. They only served to further inflame the dangerously combustible redhead.

"Yes you are! You'll do anything for your damn Commander, won't you? If he ordered it, you'd kill yourself, wouldn't you?" she snapped, the urge to strike her fellow pilot becoming more and more pronounced with every exchange of words.

"Of course, I- " Rei began to speak. As soon as the first two words were out of her mouth, Asuka made her move. The German grabbed Rei by the shoulders spinning the poor girl to face her. The first girl's face was livid, eyes glinted in fury, and the second girl's face was as cold as ice. Rei didn't even flinch as she felt the sharp sting of Asuka's hand making contact with her face, again and again.

"You are a doll then! You're a doll and I hate you! I hate you! I HATE EVERYTHING!" Asuka screeched, pushing her past the colleague she had just used as a stress valve, and rushing out as the doors slid open. As she turned she saw Rei standing there calmly, her face calm and icy as always. The only change was her cheek, now a bright scarlet that bore testimony to Asuka's anger.

The doors closed…

----------------------------

Shinji sighed as he stared at the metallic mesh above his head. He was sitting underneath a staircase deep inside NERV, listening to a tape on his S-DAT. He usually ventured down here when he wanted to get away from everything and just… be. Today he wanted to get away from something in particular. He wanted to get away from his responsibilities, his feelings, and his roomies. Today, especially, he just wanted to exist, and nothing more. Misato was beginning to scare him with the coldness she had recently been affecting. Asuka made him feel guilty about too many things for him to want to think about, and the stress of piloting had started to catch up again. He sighed again, and slumped against the cold wall, letting the music flow through him. It worked, for a few minutes, before he felt a need to think about something. This was odd, because he couldn't quite recall feeling such a need before. At least not when he was in this hiding place.

'Strange, I could just have bought an MP3 player… but I insist on keeping this old piece of junk, I wonder why?' he wondered, as he stared down at the black box that he held clenched with one hand. Everywhere he looked whenever he deigned it necessary to visit an electronics store, newer models taunted him. 'Look at me! I can hold up to 50 gigs worth of songs on me! I'm lightweight! You'll never have to go waste another CD' they all said to him. He ignored them each time, saying that they weren't practical and that there was no point in diverting from the status quo. There was no sense in changing anything; he had been perfectly happy and comfortable with what he had.

Alarms shook him out of his musings, as they usually were wont to do. Shinji felt queasy as he remembered what he had to do now. His Evangelion awaited him, as did another Angel. He contemplated running again, so he wouldn't have to face the stress anymore. He had no particular desire to spend another month or perhaps the rest of eternity locked inside the beast. Kaji's words suddenly came back to haunt him. He knew that he had to pilot if he ever wanted to make peace with the world.

Shinji made a mental note to check the price of a decent MP3 player when and if he got back, as he got up and bolted for the cages.

----------------------------

Light glinted off of four giant lenses as they seemed to stare down at Asuka. She was in her plugsuit once more, standing on the umbilical bridge before her Unit. Tapping her foot impatiently, she waited for Ritsuko to arrive. She constantly adjusted her glare, from one entrance to the other, expecting the bleach blonde doctor to walk in at any moment. When it became apparent that, that wasn't the case, she returned to staring at her Evangelion's head. A crazy idea entered her own head.

"Look, you're my Eva, all right? So you're going to do exactly as I tell you from now on," she told the red leviathan sternly, wagging a finger at it. A few nearby engineers and technicians stopped what they were doing momentarily to watch, wondering just what the pilot was doing. Asuka continued to nag the giant, hardly noticing the curious looks she was getting. "You're going to be a good Evangelion, and you're going to let me synch with you", she said, folding her arms across her chest, glaring at it. "Why does a weapon need a mind anyways? It just ends up causing more problems."

"What did I tell you, Hideaki? These pilots are all nutcases," one of the nearby techs whispered to another while pretending to check one of the hydraulic locks that kept the Evangelion restrained. "It's not like I'm arguing with you, Yoshi… but really, I think it's just the gals that are the crazy ones," the second tech, pretending to help the one named Yoshiyuki with the lock whispered back. "Eh, it's only a matter of time before that one cracks too, mark my words," Yoshi told him sagely, before finally getting back to work.

"Oh this is bloody stupid…" Asuka muttered darkly, realizing the sheer folly of trying to talk to her unit.

The wailing of alarms and the klaxon calling all personnel to battlestations interrupted her cursing. "An Angel? Another one?" she exclaimed with mild disbelief. She didn't know whether to further curse her horrible luck, or bless her good fortune. She decided that neither would be appropriate at the moment, and ran for her entry plug, praying that she'd get up and out before Rei did.

----------------------------

Misato watched from her high perch on the uppermost level of Central Dogma, NERV's brain and control centre, as the numerous technicians and officers scurried about. The giant room was charged with a sense of purpose, filled with the various beeps and whistles of instrumentation and data read outs, and barely audible, the murmurs of people who were willing to do their job, and weren't afraid to die just yet. This Misato found odd, as surely the memory of the last battle should have been painfully fresh within the minds of all those present.

"Status," Misato inquired of the two lieutenants sitting before her. "Pattern is blue, the Magi have it confirmed", the bespectacled Hyuga told her, his eyes glued to the other numerous screens at his console. "Patching recon satellite feed to the main monitor", the long haired Aoba said. A few keystrokes later and it was up. "Maximum magnification…" he added before diverting his eyes upward to gaze upon the image everyone else was also staring at.

Against the black backdrop of space, there was a blight blue entity that shimmered with an eerie inner light. It looked like an oddly shaped bird forged out of luminous crystal. It remained unmoving, its wings flexing only slightly, giving it the appearance of a seabird riding the thermals looking for prey.

"It's beautiful…" a low gasp came from somewhere below. "An Angel…" another exclaimed.

Misato scowled slightly, but quickly resumed a stern look of neutrality as Ritsuko entered the bridge area. In her mind, Misato was smiling. The good doctor was usually the first one on the scene… and was always cool and calm. For the first time, she was flushed, and more importantly, late. Misato didn't even notice the fact that the Commander had been absent and had only arrived moments after the scientist.

"Target remains in orbit", Aoba reported as everyone continued watching the Angel, completely enraptured by its form. Almost as if the spell was broken by his words, everyone hastily busied themselves with what they were supposed to be doing, keeping their eyes downward.

"So, does that mean that it's just checking out a comfy place that it can crash into? Or is it just going to try and destroy us from way up there?" Misato asked sarcastically. Ritsuko glared at her disapprovingly, recovering her cold manner almost immediately. The third bridge lieutenant, Maya, simply stared at Misato with disbelief. Hearing a superior imply that they were probably going to die, so blatantly and casually would be horribly damaging to morale. Maya was glad that the people on the lower levels couldn't hear them clearly. "We can't possibly hit it at this range!" Hyuga voiced the damnable facts.

"Yeah and unless it comes down to us, there isn't much we can do offensively at the moment," Misato sighed, her mind racing to formulate some sort of battle plan and at the same time taking inventory of whatever they had that could possibly hit it. "The Eva series wasn't built or designed to engage an enemy that's still in orbit."

----------------------------

Asuka sat in the plug, hands gripping the controls apprehensively. She waited for orders, pushing all other thoughts out, trying to focus on the upcoming battle. It had been ten minutes since the alarm had been sounded and she had inserted, a part of her mind noted, worried by the lack of communication between her and Central Dogma.

As if in answer to her worries, the comm. buzzed to life, and Asuka grinned as she heard the noises in the background. She could positively feel the excitement on the other end, meaning that there was something large and particularly nasty waiting for her up top. She couldn't wait to take it down.

"Rei's going to take the point, I want you to back her up", Misato's voice ordered, shattering her illusions of grandeur instantly. Asuka blinked in disbelief, wondering if she had heard correctly. "You want me to back up Rei?" she shouted, waiting for the slap to the face that was to follow. "Correct," Misato said curtly, confirming the insult. "I can't believe this…" Asuka muttered, taking a deep breath of LCL. "Unit-02 LAUNCH!" she yelled, punching the button that would send her into the enemy's arms, and into the glory's reach. 'Show you who's second best,' she thought bitterly as the Evangelion accelerated, and the G-forces hit her.

----------------------------

"ASUKA!-"Ritsuko barked furiously. Misato cut her off immediately with a single movement of her hand. "No, if this is what she wants to do, let her go ahead…" she said quietly, acutely aware of the Commanders observing her. She wasn't going to take the hit for Asuka again… she was done with that. Finished with covering an adolescent girl that acted as if she owned the world. It was time for Asuka to realize that she wasn't invincible, or so Misato reckoned. "Equip Unit-00 for long range firing and prepare to sortie it through route 35", she ordered calmly, ignoring Ritsuko's fuming. "If she screws this up, she's finished as a pilot," Ritsuko warned her with a harsh whisper in her ear, before turning back to say something to Maya.

"Excuse me, but aren't we going to launch Unit-01, Major?" Hyuga ventured timidly, not wishing to wedge himself too far in between the two angered women. Misato sighed, sensing it. "The Commander has ordered that it is to remain in cryo," she answered, hazarding a glance at the high seat behind her. 'And considering what's happened lately… it'd be best not to argue about it', she frowned mentally, turning back to the situation at hand.

----------------------------

Deep within the underground test facilities stood the heavily restrained Evangelion Unit-01. Additional plating kept it locked in its prison, unable to move, even if it were to try. Its eyes smoldered dangerously with impatience. Inside this inert mountain sat Shinji. He was just as impatient as his Eva seemed to be. He had expected his Eva to be in its regular cage, waiting for him to just get in so that he could be hurtled to the surface where destiny awaited. Much to his dismay he was sent down into NERV's auditing department and effectively out of combat. Now he was keeping tabs on everything that had been and was happening by monitoring the numerous conversations that played across the many different frequencies. Despite the charged atmosphere, and the severity of the situation, he felt terribly bored. He longed to join Rei and Asuka on the surface. He wanted to be useful, for once, he actually wanted to pilot. If only so that he wouldn't feel guilty in his supposed safety.

----------------------------

Rain poured down from the heavens, leaving Asuka's body tingling as a million feathers seemed to hit Unit-02. She scanned the heavens for a moment… Nothing but clouds and the water. When it was clear that nothing was coming for the moment, Asuka decided to go for the original plan, and scanned the area which she was in. She moved quickly to a hidden weapons locker that was nearby. Within a second of sending the signal, the street before her slid open, and the familiar barrel of the positron rifle began to rise from the depths below.

She lifted it carefully, jettisoning on of the fin like sponsons connected to Eva' shoulders. She then proceeded to attach the positron rifle to the slot that remained. All of this was done in a matter of seconds. "If I don't perform, they're definitely going to replace me," Asuka worried, bringing the rifle up to bear. Another press of the button, and the targeting sights slid out and forward, covering her head like a futuristic helmet. She watched as the targeting icon struggled to get a lock on something.

"Look if you're going to try and kill me, then hurry up and do it!" Asuka snapped, as her trigger finger twitched nervously. "Target remains in orbit," Aoba's voice reported. The news infuriated Asuka; to her it was as if the Angel was staying out of her range, just as so the annoy her… as if to say "Ha, look where your hot head got you, aren't you embarrassed now?"

"Come down and fight me, damn you! Lazy Angel…" Asuka cursed loudly. Just as she did, the targeting sight locked into place, finally pin-pointing the Angel's location. Just as it did, and Asuka was about to pull the trigger, a thin ray of light shot down through the heavens, blinding her. As it hit Unit-02, the beam suddenly widened, engulfing the red giant. Asuka felt an odd sensation, as if a small animal was pawing at her mind… and then the pain took over.

----------------------------

Kaoru sighed happily as she firmly planted her parasol in the damp mud on the mountainside where she had conversed with the First Child only a day or so ago. She quickly spread a blanket underneath it, frowning slightly. "You couldn't have picked worse weather for this…" she muttered, before setting down her basket, and taking shelter underneath the huge umbrella. "Looks as if I'm not too late for the show, though," she chuckled as she watched Unit-02 step out from the lift. Kaoru grinned, almost maniacally with glee. She had expected that Unit-00 would be launched first, and that she'd get a chance to see Unit-00 in action again. Rei seemed more entertaining as a pilot, if one enjoyed watching acts of desperation, which Kaoru had found herself enjoying more and more. She hated to admit it, but she was slowly becoming _tainted_by all the human contact.

While Asuka busied herself with scanning the skies, Kaoru opened her picnic basket, her humming rising softly over the heavy pitter-patter of the rain beating down on her parasol. Inside the basket lay a bento filled with various kinds of sushi, a small bowl of garden salad, and a rather large bottle of peach schnapps. She had discovered the drink only last night, after managing to walk into a rather out of control college party. Everyone had been so drunk, that they hadn't noticed the teen walk in. Kaoru smiled again as she remembered the smell, and the noise. The house had been charged with a feeling that was positively alive. She remembered picking up a bottle on a nearby table, sniffing it gingerly. She had liked the smell, and decided against her better judgment to have a sip. Kaoru hadn't been prepared for the taste. It had been suitably sweet… the smell of it promised that much, as least. It was the kick of it… the way it had warmed her up inside as she swallowed. A gentle burning moving down her… She immediately went after another nearby bottle. She hadn't liked the taste of that one though, as it was far too bitter and just a tad bit too warm. She read the label on the first one… Peach Schnapps, it said clearly. She quickly spotted an extra bottle lying about, unopened (strangely enough)… So she took it, figuring that it would be a shame to leave it in such poor company. After all, it wouldn't be missed too sorely given the present circumstances. Now it lay inside her picnic basket, awaiting her lips and subsequent enjoyment.

She'd save it for the climax of the show. For now she would remain content to simply nibble on a rice roll. A beam of light burst down through the gray skies, hitting the red giant below. Kaoru grinned around a mouthful of rice and seaweed. "Let the show begin!" she said triumphantly as she finished chewing. Within seconds of contact with the light, Unit-02 began to thrash wildly… Firing off shots blindly as it tried to shake off the damnable light. Plumes of black and orange blossomed throughout the city, as the Unit's cannon pumped shot after shot of incandescent light into random targets. Several shots arced upwards, tearing through the dark cover of the clouds. Kaoru watched the fireworks, counting the number of shots…. "Only one more, and then you're empty," she said a second before that last shot was lobbed her way. She didn't even attempt to move as it shot towards her, rapidly increasing in size. Until finally it was nearly on top of her. Kaoru simply tilted her head, and raised an eyebrow as it reached her…

Kaoru smiled as she felt heated air graze her, as the shot passed overhead, almost taking the umbrella with it. The blanket and the basket remained untouched. The bottle of alcohol remained nice and cold, the salad crisp, and the sushi was whatever sushi was supposed to be like, optimally. Kaoru didn't have to question it, she knew it.

The Evangelion below was now contorting in agony, the light in its eyes flickering dangerously as it emulated the pilot's mental pain. This way and that, it twisted, each muscle spasming out of control as it fought to keep the pain at bay. "Like a live fish put on a skillet," Kaoru remarked, popping another sushi roll into her mouth. She eyed the bottle hungrily as she did so. 'A sip wouldn't hurt…' she reasoned as she carefully took it out of the basket. Almost absentmindedly she laid a hand on the top and unscrewed it. With a steady hand, she raised it to her lips and wet her tongue. A shudder ran through her body, as the she felt the alcohol's sting on her taste buds. She took a sip, and smiled broadly as gentle warmth spread through her. "It's good to be alive," she remarked, before taking another.

----------------------------

Misato was frantic as she tried to figure out just what the hell was going on. "The enemy has a particle beam?" she questioned, looking over her underlings shoulders, trying to follow what was happening. "I don't think so, but we can't I.D it!" Hyuga responded, fingers dancing across the keyboards. "MAGI report that it's similar to an AT field!" Aoba told her, only a split second later.

"We've got mental instability in the pilot! Psychograph's going crazy!" Maya shouted as she watched the scopes fluctuate. Ritsuko rushed over and within seconds managed to make the situation seem ten times worse to Misato. "What? They're attacking directly across the Ego borderline? The Angels understand our physiology that well?" she exclaimed in disbelief.

"Sortie Unit-00!" Misato ordered, praying that the positron cannon would be able to emancipate the trapped pilot. They didn't have many options when it came to hitting something at this sort of range. She didn't want to think of it, but if it failed then she would be wholly responsible for putting Asuka in this situation. 'I just had to be the evil bitch today, didn't I?' she cursed at herself silently as guilt started to chip away at her armor. She had to resist the urge to just succumb to it… right now she had a job to do.

----------------------------

Shinji listened frantically as the situation above went from bad to worse. His nerves were already frayed when he heard the first scream. He clutched at his controls, wanting desperately to get out of his cage and Asuka out of harm's way. "Calm down… Ayanami's up there… she'll save Asuka," he told himself, so as not to go completely insane with stress. It was all he could to do keep himself from trying to break his way out of the restraints and tearing a way up to the surface. The rational side of him was in agreement with the notion that Rei was going to make everything all right. With a deep breath he fell back into his seat, and waited.

----------------------------

When Asuka opened her eyes, she found herself in total darkness. She winced slightly as her head began to throb. The last thing she remembered was the beam of light hitting her, pain… and then nothing. "Where's the entry plug? What's going on?" she wondered aloud, as she stumbled through the black fog. To her surprise, she couldn't make out the words as they left her mouth… Every sense seemed dulled by the dark blanket. She thought she could hear explosions in the distance, but everything was so muted that she couldn't be completely sure. She began to see blurry images moving, far away from her as the dark was suddenly replaced with brilliant light.

The itching returned for a moment before pain shot through her head. The itching soon became scratching, and the feeling spread throughout her entire body. She clutched at her sides as she felt a presence… an intruder. "Get out!" she screamed, moving her hands to her head, where the pain had intensified. "Leave me alone! Go away! Get out!" she shouted more aggressively as she focused on dispelling the feeling from her. Her wails grew more and more desperate as the scratching became clawing. Bit by bit she felt it as pieces of her plug suit were shorn from her.

With one defiant scream, she succeeded in gaining a reprieve from her tormentor. She fell to her knees, gasping for air, having been completely unaware of how much effort it had taken to commit that act. Bits of flesh tingled as they were exposed to the bright void. She felt too vulnerable, but couldn't find the energy to get up. The dim figures closed in on her, and more than ever she felt naked. She sunk further to the ground, trying to cover herself up. She felt an odd sensation, unlike any she had ever had the displeasure of feeling before. Something was trying to probe her, trying to break through her barriers. She gritted her teeth once more and tried to resist, but something told her that it was ultimately in vain.

She looked up, and the light seared her eyes. Pain and an explosion of color seemed to blossom before and in her. Reds and blues surged forth from where the light had first hit her, even with her eyes snapped shut she still saw them. They swirled around her, and more and more colors joined them. Emeralds and sunbursts assaulted her beleaguered senses. She raised her hands to ward it off, but the swirls and ethereal ribbons shot straight through her hands. Each new flash was like a newborn sun…. Asuka screamed in pain as she pushed herself against the ground, and tried to stop the light; but everywhere she crawled to, was saturated by it. "Leave me alone!" she shouted, trying to will it all away. Something in her head told her, that if she resisted the damn things, that everything would turn out all right. Another part of her told her that the first one was lying to her, like a mattress, and that resistance was futile.

Then, as soon as it had begun, everything stopped. Like a vast dark tide, it swept over the sands of her sanity, threatening to wash away her fortifications.

Thud

Thud

Thud

The sound of a door closing shattered the silence. Asuka gasped for air again, the impact of each sound knocking her flat to the darkness below. When she finally got up again, she wished she had stayed down. A door stood before her, opening slowly, hinting at what lay beyond, and then slamming shut. Asuka was completely unaware that it was her own will that closed the door each time. She closed her eyes, and the door shut again. She got up off the ground and looked around. The darkness had molded itself into a poorly lit corridor. Old bulbs hung from the ceiling, and many were either burnt out completely, or on their way there. She looked behind her. The majority of bulbs were gone, obscuring everything on that end. She couldn't see far down it before it ended it pitch black. A gust of hot air blew towards her from that direction… words spoken by some alien tongue were carried by it.

'I'shtuli N'azgut Illiathis… Seraphiz'

Asuka shuddered involuntarily as they hit her ear. Although the words were completely incomprehensible, the tone of them was more than understandable. Something wanted her, something that even now was moving towards her in the darkness. Asuka looked frantically from the door to the end of the corridor. On the one hand she had a possibly- no- definitely dangerous creature, and on the other, a door that filled her with dread. For a long second, her sense of logic seemed to desert her; but as an outline slowly became visible to her from the end opposite to the door it returned to her. She ran for the door, choosing what she felt was the lesser of two evils. It wasn't as if she was entirely certain, she was still trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and just where she was. Also, it wasn't as if she could just stop to think about what was happening, as something was constantly happening. She was being thrown off-balance far too often for her taste or for her head to get a grip on anything.

'Ca'dori Myr dJina'su hamu'si!' the voice cried behind her as she shut the door behind her firmly. Her eyes quickly found the numerous bolts that would keep whatever was behind the door now, there. With a sigh of relief, she collapsed against the door. For now, she would have her peace, her time to get things in order. Or so she thought. She saw something swaying gently from the ceiling, out of the corner of her eye. Asuka remained motionless, telling herself that she was just imagining things. "Asuka…. Asuka," a hauntingly familiar voice called to her from the direction of the object. Asuka closed her eyes and repeated the words 'not real' to herself trying to shut out the voice and bury the memories it carried.

"Asuka… Look up…" the voice told her in a semi-stern, semi-sweet voice. Asuka couldn't resist it; slowly she turned to face the speaker. A woman was hanging from the ceiling. Her face was obscured by shadows and red hair, but Asuka recognized her immediately. With a deranged smile on her face, she stood up and faced her. "M-mother?" she asked, just for the sake of appearances, or so she told herself. It was stupid, the whole act, this entire place… she told herself. "Asuka, darling… why didn't you come? Why did you choose to stay?" the cadaver asked her, unseeing eyes leering at Asuka from the darkness.

Asuka chose not to respond, simply glaring at the skeleton from her past. "You're not real," she told it, finally with as much force and conviction as she could. The corpse simply smiled at her, teeth gleaming in the darkness. "Is that so?" it rasped, laughing. Asuka backed away slowly. At the edges of her hearing, slithering manifested itself. As it grew louder and louder, it was clear that whatever was making the noise was all around her. In the shadows, something moved. As it drew closer and closer, the smile on her hanged mother grew wider and wider, until the face began to resemble the Cheshire cat...

The slithering had stopped, and everything seemed frozen in place. The shadows seemed to lift for a moment and Asuka saw what had been making the slithering noise. At first she thought that it was a snake of some sort… It was long, seeming to stretch on into eternity. It lifted its head and with its mouth wide open began to scan the area. Then, she realized that it was a rope. A long rope, and that what she had thought was a mouth, was actually a noose. Before she could react, the rope pounced. Within a split-second it was up and around her neck. She didn't even have time to cry out before it tightened, and she was lifted off the ground. Asuka tugged at it frantically, trying to free herself before she suffocated. The thought that she should have been dead already, never entered her mind. She was still struggling with the rope when it jerked her forward, a little at a time towards the still hanging, still smiling corpulent shade that taunted her from only a few meters away. "Get… away…. Get AWAY!" she gasped, choking as the first wave of sensation hit her. The only thing comparable to the smell was a dump in the midst of a summer heat wave, filled to the brim with rotten meats and spoiled foods. Even then, the smell probably didn't come close. When the rope slackened enough she breathed through her mouth. She fought hard to quell her stomach's protests. That was before the second wave hit her, as the monster opened its mouth again. She couldn't hold it back this time. The taste of it clung to her palette. With a choked gargle, she vomited, it coming out in short intervals as the rope slackened and tightened…. Letting the bile burn her throat as it was denied an exit.

As she finally reached the vile hanger, one last dip into unpleasant sensations ensued. No physical senses were assaulted this time though. This time her soul and mind bore the brunt of it. Bad memories, failed dreams, and old nightmares made up the stuff of the foul miasma that permeated her. Asuka rode it, perched perilously on its crest. She was in danger of wiping out and drowning in the depths of her mind.

And suddenly it all stopped.

----------------------------

'She's faring rather well… better than I expected. Either that or you are losing your touch…' Kaoru smiled, as her thoughts hurtled towards the now inert red giant, and using it as a kick off point, to the crystalline Angel in orbit. All of this happened within the space of a second. A voice that radiated serenity and calm answered.

"For over three millennia have I been prying into the minds of the children that we have seen fit to put to the trial… Tabris. Thus far no race has passed my test unscathed. These… Lillims? They will certainly not continue farther along the Path after this encounter... I am confident in my abilities to deal with them," the voice added with grim satisfaction. Kaoru couldn't help but smile at the comment… "Time for the real show then?" she asked.

----------------------------

'Shit, shit, shit…' Shinji thought frantically as all audible noise ceased to come from Asuka's com line. He though that he heard muttering coming over it, and had muted Rei's line to try and be sure… but as far as he knew, it could have just been himself that he was hearing. He was becoming convinced that he was hearing Asuka's death rattles. He gripped his controls tightly, and waited… hoping fervently that he had been right and that Ayanami was taking care of things top side.

----------------------------

Rei had been redeployed, NERV having to dig up the experimental positron sniper rifle that Shinji had used in combat several months ago. Unit-00 propped itself up on a building, wedging the massive cannon into place between two skyscrapers. Steam billowed out of the numerous ports and vents as the rain hit the superheated cylinder. Without a thought, Rei gently squeezed the trigger, exhaling as she did so.

Hard light stabbed forth into the sky. Cutting a swath through the clouds, it arced towards its target. Soundlessly it slammed into the Angel's AT Field. Bursting apart, streams of brilliant white streaked across the skies, slowly thinning out into nothingness.

Inside her plug, Rei let out a slight sigh, and wondered what the next course of action would be.

----------------------------

Shinji finally gave into panic… opening a line directly to the command bridge in Central Dogma, he let loose his plea.

"Father! Let me get out there! Asuka's… she's dying! We have to save her!" he shouted, his left hand tightening and relaxing.

"Not a chance in hell! This Angel's ability to attack the pilot's mind directly… it's too dangerous!" an older voice barked over the intercom. It took Shinji a moment to recognize the voice due to its seemingly unnatural tone. 'Sub Commander Fuyutski?' Shinji thought as he finally made the connection…

"Correct, Unit-01 must not be placed in a position where it can be contaminated," his father's deep cold voice spoke, resonating inside the cylinder. Shinji slammed his fast against the control, frustrated at his father's latest attempt to check him. A cold fury grew in him…

"That won't happen… I'll blast the damned thing out of the sky first…. Evangelion doesn't need miracles… It makes them," Shinji argued, readying himself to get the hell out of dodge if things didn't go his way again.

There was silence… nothing, with the exception of the low beeps and buzzes that indicated the equipment at work. Then, a flurry of activity.

"Power output is at Maximum! We can't get anymore juice!" "Not enough… There's simply not enough to penetrate at this range!" "Psychograph's going crazy, we're losing vitals!" "Don't let it feedback! Try to set up a buffering effect. "Get some breathing space for her!" "I'm trying!"

Shinji tried to follow all of the voices as they delivered their terrible messages, his hand clutched the start up button again. Just as he was about to begin, a voice cut through the rest. "Rei… go and retrieve the Lance from Dogma…" was all that the Commander said. Or that he needed to say, as Rei's voice sounded shortly after that in affirmation. 'Lance?' Shinji wondered.

----------------------------

Asuka shivered slightly as she slowly swayed… hanging from the end of the living rope. The shadows of her mother and the horrible thoughts and sensations she brought had disappeared, giving her some solace. She had long stopped trying to free herself of the rope… It seemed impossible to loosen, or escape. And so she had waited… waited for the suffering she knew was forthcoming.

She wasn't disappointed when it began anew. A symphony of tortured voices screamed out in anguish to her, seeming to reflect her inner pain. Like a change in the wind, the tone slowly changed from that of personal suffering to accusation. Asuka squirmed furiously, like a worm being lowered into fish infested waters. As the voices rang clearer and clearer, she had the feeling that something was probing the crevices of her very being… Soon the voices gave way to figures, and the two coupled almost broke her resolve.

Faces leered at her from the shadows, each spewing its message… and the truths.

Kaji….

Rei….

Misato….

Ritsuko….

The Commander…

The girl with the gray hair...

There were several others, but they were too far back to be seen… and their cries were but whispers compared to the fury of those closest to her.

"Just a little girl…"  
"So much better than you…. I'm the favorite"  
"Just a tool, not worth caring for…"

"Replacable"  
"Failure will not be tolerated, you have failed in your duty"

"He's all mine… You wasted your chances"

"Just a little girl…"  
"So much better than you…. I'm the favorite"  
"Just a tool, not worth caring for…"

"Replacable"  
"Failure will not be tolerated, you have failed in your duty"

"He's all mine… You wasted your chances"

"Leave"  
"Leave"  
"Get out"

Over and over the voices laughed, accused, and taunted her. "Shut up!" she managed to croak as they closed in. She lashed out with her foot at the closest one to her. Her leg went straight through Misato's face, leaving a gaping bloody foot shaped hole as it made contact… Misato simply stumbled backwards for a moment, before straightening again. The others continued speaking even as she fell out of line. The remnants of an eye spun inwards to survey the damage, and a twisted smile appeared as the blood began to drip down it. Asuka screamed as Misato continued to advance, more blood pouring from the hole.

"Does that make you feel any better? Is that what it takes for you to feel happy? Does this make you proud?"

"Get away! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Asuka screeched as the thing with remnants of Misato's face leered at her, pawing at the leg. The others, still delivering their messages followed the lead specter's lead.

Rei, Kaji, Ritsuko, the Commander… all of them with terrible faces, spewing those terrible truths. Asuka desperately kicked out again, tearing bloody chunks out with each fell swoop, but still they came. And because they came, Asuka continued to thrash about wildly till she saw naught but blood. Still the voices came. She fought with all her might, but still the voices came. The hands, the touching, it all seemed to stop… it was the voices that cut her now.

----------------------------

Kaoru smiled as she watched the girl's personal demons do all the work. She had decided to tap into the distressed redhead's mind, as to get a better seat, so to speak for the show. In her hand she still held the not quite full bottle of peach Schnapps. She took small sips intermittently, and let out a small chuckle afterwards.

'Not quite fun or fair if you make her do all the work, now is it, Arael?' she projected; eager to see what twisted fruits the comment would bear. Arael had always been touchy about reputation. 'Simply watch, Sijea Tabris… simply watch and learn', the serene voice answered, a tinge of scorn tainting its calm.

Kaoru laughed once more, not caring at all if the Second Child could hear her or not. At the very least it would serve to heighten the anxiety, and crystallize the experience. It would be most marvelous, she thought with much glee.

"Asuka?" a timid, familiar voice inquired from somewhere behind her. Kaoru immediately spun around. To her great surprise, Shinji Ikari stood before her, an odd smile on his face. "But-"Kaoru gasped in disbelief as he stroked her face. "Did I not say, simply watch, dearest Sijea?" the boy laughed clearly, as if he hadn't a care in the world. Kaoru quickly had a vague conception of what would happen now. So, she began to laugh even harder than before. It would be a most excellent show.

----------------------------

Asuka struggled to keep her stomach's contents down where they belonged. She had clawed and kicked her way free from the damned living rope. She had, had to bite deep into its flesh to get it to finally let go. After that she had to forcibly remove half of the people she knew from her path forcibly. "Oh god… Kaji… I'm so sorry, Kaji", she whispered as she remember the way his head had exploded on contact with her fist. She had just murdered the man she thought that she loved. It was as if in that one moment, she had died.

It was in a pitiable state that she crawled away from the pile of body parts, off into a forest she had never seen before. One filled with tall stones, and oddly shaped trees. Blood trailed behind her, some her own, some… She didn't want to think of that. Her plugsuit was in tatters, dried tears streaked her face….and for the first time in a long time, she was deathly afraid. This wasn't what she was used to, she was used to fighting an enemy with no face, and fighting from inside an impenetrable suit of armor… she was reaching her breaking point here. She was filled with disgust at herself. 'Oh how the mighty have fallen,' she winced.

"Asuka!" a voice called from deeper within the forest. Asuka perked her head up at the sound. She told herself that it was impossible, that the person making that sound couldn't possibly be here… Yet, she hoped against all hope and picking herself off of the ground, made her way slowly towards the voice.

"Asuka!" Shinji's voice cried out to her like a beacon in the dark. She finally found the strength to limp towards it. "Shinji?" she yelled out, desperately knowing salvation must be at hand… where there was Shinji, there was NERV. She nearly cried when she saw him. He wasn't wearing a plug suit… There was no back up. Regardless, she stumbled forth till she was face to face with him. He looked at her wide-eyed, shocked. She stared into his blue eyes, and knew that it wasn't fake. "I-" she began, immediately cut off by her left leg giving out. She clenched her eyes, waiting for the ground to meet her, but nothing of the sort happened. "You okay?" Shinji asked as he swiftly slipped forward to catch her. Asuka inhaled deeply, looked him in the eye and gave an honest answer. "No… I'm not…" and then she simply collapsed into blackness.

When she came to, her plugsuit had been replaced with a sundress, and wounds that she was unaware of, had been dressed. She was propped against something soft…. Something with a vaguely familiar scent. With a slight groan, she looked upwards. She bit back a slight gasp as Shinji wrapped his arms around her, smiling while doing so. She was about to move, or say something, but he acted first. "Don't worry, you're safe now," he said, somehow managing to re-assure her, even as he caused her some degree of discomfort with his closeness. "I promise that you'll be safe now…" he repeated, closing his eyes and leaning back against one of the odd stone pillars that populated the immediate area. He let go of Asuka, and remained motionless, as if waiting for something.

She considered moving from where she lay now. Something deep inside of her demanded it. A little klaxon going off. In the end, she chose not to move. She thought she knew enough of his feelings, and for once, she thought that she might know enough of her own as well. All of the bottled up emotion, reactions, the waffling between attraction and repulsion as mood and image demanded it, seemed to simply flow out of her. She remembered the days that Shinji had been gone, dissolved inside the purple behemoth that was Evangelion.

This was her big chance, her opportunity to tell him what she had done, how she had invaded his privacy, and how she felt now that she knew. "Shhhh," he said quietly, slowly stroking her hair, "No reason to worry…" Asuka stiffened again as she felt his hands slowly move down from her head, gently caressing her shoulders, and finally came to rest on her breasts. The world went red.

----------------------------

Kaoru screamed again as she felt the violations through her mind-link. Her fingers dug into the soil, her breath ragged and uneven. "My… GOD! What a wonderful exper-r-r-rience!"

As Arael used its strength to thrust harder and harder, Kaoru slowly sank to the ground, fighting the urge to scream aloud as she rapidly reached orgasm. She passed out screaming Shinji's name as the waves of Arael's combined climax and psychic death-scream hit her.

----------------------------

Asuka came into consciousness screaming. Frantically, she scanned the area around her. Dark… the first thing she noticed was that it was very dark. Then the smell of LCL hit her. She calmed down just enough to stop screaming. Then her body remembered what had happened to her. The screams returned.

----------------------------

Kaoru awoke, soaking wet. Still somewhat breathless, she sat up, frowning as she noticed how damp her clothing had gotten in the rain. Stripping naked, she laughed as she felt the sun warm her lithe body. With one fell swoop, she finished off the half-forgotten bottle of liquor she had stolen, squealing in delight as the liquid began to make its way down, warming its surroundings as it went. The sensation reminded her of another warming presence entering her body. Suddenly, she felt very hungry. Remembering her picnic basket, she fished out a pair of chop-sticks. Roll after roll of sushi disappeared into her mouth as she rapidly made her way through the bento. With both of the predominant courses out of the way, Kaoru pulled out her dessert, a massive bar of milk chocolate. Slowly, she broke off little pieces, each one an experiment in how best to experience it. Each piece was like a world unto itself for the girl who'd never had chocolate before.

As the last of the chocolate went down Kaoru smiled, recalling a conversation she had over-heard while in the convenience store. "Mmmm… good, but not _that_ good," she laughed.

A/N: Wow, a good two years since my last update, huh? I wonder if anyone's still waiting for this? Anyways, this little Author's Notes is just to say:  
A) I'm not dead! (Neither is this fic)

And  
B) No longer will I be updating in big Chapter blocks like I used to. From now on, I'll be updating one part at a time

Enjoy!

- Shinji


End file.
